A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Six months ago my boyfriend, "E" of four months had to move to America after his parents divorce. We initially planned to stay together while he was away, but after two months we agreed to split as the situation was so impractical. I was pregnant when he left but had an abortion, which we both agreed on as we are both still young. We have argued a lot since he's been away, but never argued when he was living in England and we saw eachother most days. A lot has happened in the meantime, and I am casually with someone else, "J", but "E" is coming back to England later this week and has said he would like us to catch up, and see if we could carry on our relationship. "J" however is set against this, and refuses to let me even see "E" as friends, and is making me choose between them. I don't want to lose either of them, but "J"s controlling actions are upsetting me and making me want to be with "E".What do you think I should do? Please don't suggest who to pick as I don't want to lose either!
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (24 May 2010):
 Chigirl is right. This new guy is NOT being controlling, and in fact, I think you're labelling him controlling in order to try to massage your conscience. If you're with a new guy, J, then you're with him. You can't go see the old guy E and expect J to be okay with it. You do have to choose. Put yourself in J's position. He's invested in a relationship with you. He's given you his heart, and you're treating it like it doesn't matter. Under the circumstances, I think he's shown a lot of class by not breaking up with you on the spot.E is in your past. You have to let go of your past and not romanticize it. Because if you drop J and go back to E, you'll soon become dissillusioned in your relationship with E and then start pining after J. That's not fair to anyone, least of all yourself.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 May 2010):
 You are in a position where you can loose either. J is making you choose because he knows you are meeting up with E to see if you two will get back together! Of course he isn't fine with that. Even if you in the aftermath tell him you are only meeting up with E as friends, J knows better. He isn't controlling, he is upset that his girl is so willing to go back to her ex.
If you are not over E, don't get involved with anyone else. And if E and you can't work it out, it is best for you to be alone! If you are afraid of being alone, the only thing you can do is pick J and not go and meet E. Because J at least sounds like he wants to stay with you, while E is not certain.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (24 May 2010):
Well I'm sorry, but you do have to pick. J's actions are not controlling, as E is en ex boyfriend whom got you pregnant AND WANTS TO MEET YOU SO YOU CAN CARRY ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP. You're wanting to have your cake and eat it. Well you can't. Make a decision. E or J. You can't have both. And by the sounds of it, you don't really want J anyway. So if you want E, just get rid of J. But don't play them both, or you'll look bad and lose both. You can't have both. But you will lose one. Make your choice and stop with the "I want them both" talk. J is your boyfriend, and given your history with E, he has every right to feel this way about E. He got your pregnant, you had an abortion, and now he wants to come back into your life. J has every right to make you choose. So choose.
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