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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: i broke up with my boyfriend 4 months ago he treated me really badly and hurt me physically and mentally. i have a new boyfriend and he is really kind and loving, but i have 2 problems 1) my previous boyfriend was quite aggressive and often went into a rage, and so sometimes when my new boyfriend just raises his hand sometimes i burst into tears or it makes me jump and i cover my head, i know he'll never hurt me but its like a natural reaction now to expect him to get angry and hit me, my boyfriend is upset and doesnt understand why i think he's going to hurt me. my second problem is that i still have feelings for my previos boyfriend even though was violent i got really upset when i saw him flirting with this girl who puts it about a bit he doesnt like ehr but he did it to rub it in my face and he enjoys seeing me jealousd and upset. i wish i felt the love for my boyfriend that i felt for this guy who treats me like crap. why do i like someone who's so mean to me more than someone who's so good to me? i'm thinking of moving colleges. i've never really got over my boyfriend but i don't know why i should feel relieved but i dont.i feel really depressed and alone and i cry a lot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2007): I am glad you wrote in, hun. You do need objective feedback here and some support for what you are going through. You are going through inner changes about this ex bf...that you aren't seeing or understanding. Your first big step was getting him out of your life.. You were so brave to fight back, take a stand and get him out of your life, dear. I commend you! But the reason you want him back is you are still in 'survival' mode', a phase so many abused women endure. You have to keep rationalizing, dear. Don't take astep back, whatever you do. You are having feelings for the happier memories..and you are forgetting the pain. Women do this! Why do intelligent, warm, wonderful women like yourself feel this way? Because women have it in them to nurture and overlook the bad stuff.. and this is what you are doing. But look at the price you paid. The ex's abuse almost destroyed your confidence. As an abused woman, you internalized his rage, his anger his criticism and you let yourself believe what he did was valid. Thus your self-image sank lower and lower. He likely made you start to begin feeling worthless, incompetent, unlovable.
And we know, abusers are often quite often charming people which only adds to our confusion. The abuser can turn on the charm with the woman he is abusing, making her doubt her instincts. If the woman does challenge the abuser, he might turn on the charm so effectively, that even make her doubt her instincts. This lowers her self-confidence even further. Abusers are master manipulators...plain and simple. You were in a toxic, abusive relationship, and you found the strength to acknowledge that abuse. This is not an easy thing for some women to do, especially as one's self-esteem is badly weakened.All I will say to you, is please stay stoic..stay determined to retain that better environment you made for yourself after he left. This new guy sounds like a gem!
Now, work these feelings through. be overjoyed the ex is 'out' of your life. The littlest remotest contact from you..will tell him..he's allowed back and you may not get rid of him again. Remember, abuse escalates. Please don't talk to this ex..ever again. Promise me that. It's time to think of you and your needs...use your head, ignore your thoughts about him and get out and do something to take your mind off him. If this gets too tough, think about getting some counseling. Talk to a professional about your feelings but in the meantime, go live your life-go live it happily and abuse-free! Take care my dear and stay strong.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2007): It seems that your last boyfriend has made you dependent upon him through his abuse, and you are validated by his acts of violence. You should seek counselling for the abuse that you have received, and you should be open to your current boyfriend about your last relationship so that he can understand and help you through this difficult time - if he chooses to. Sometimes you have to make the journey alone so that you can find your self - before the abuse - so that you can heal and be rejuvenated.
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Victim/daybyday.htm
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/How_many_years_does_it_take_to_move_on_after_an_abusive_relationship
I hope these sites can help you. God Bless.
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A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (13 February 2007):
 I think you felt you could change your old boyfriend and you were constantly striving for his affection and to know he loved you, whereas your new boyfriend gives you all those things on a plate so they don't mean as much when you gwt them because you didn't have to work for them. Does that make sense? Trust an outsider, you're much better off with your new boy than with your old one.
CD
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