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female
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anonymous
writes: Should I give my cheating ex a second chance? I have been parted from my ex for 9 months after a 6 year relationship. I have known him for 20 years. I found he had been cheating on me as the woman found out where I lived and came to tell me. I never suspected a thing as he has always been great with me and made me feel special. He eventually confessed and it ripped me apart. Since we split he keeps trying to contact me and tells me he is sorry and loves and wants me back. I feel that I can never trust him again but I also miss him and the life we had before all this came out. I worry I will live to regret not giving him another chance but at the same time he is not the person I thought he was. I never thought he would ever hurt me with another woman. I need some advice!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2006): This all really depends on the depth of his indiscretion; there is a world of difference between drunkenly making a stupid mistake, regretting it and telling your partner the next day as opposed to say, a longterm, calculated deception. Which was it? The first is far, far easier to forgive and far less likely to happen again.
Because his mistress, and not he, was the one to tell you, I'm inclined to think this was an ongoing thing, in which case you need to reflect on the fact that all those sunlit memories you have are of a man who was misrepresenting himself all the while. The takehome message is: you didn't know him as well as you thought, and getting back together with him at this point won't really restore that happiness you had before. Everything will be different, so you need to consider if you can be content again knowing that he was so unfaithful. It will definitely be hard, but again, depending on the degree of his cheating, maybe possible. If you do take him back, make sure you aren't harbouring resentment against him, because that can definitely poison your relationship in the longterm as well, whether he remains faithful or not. Not everyone can be so charitable (nor should everyone be!) so reflect on whether you can be so forgiving.
This is a hard decision, take your time in making it, and weigh his actions and your feelings very, very carefully.
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