A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm a female who is nearly 50 and all throughout my life I have been scared to go on dates and avoid dating sites like the plague.The thought of having to sit there looking pretty making small talk with a potential partner makes me feel very uncomfortable and the whole situation feels very strained and awkward. Are there other women (or even men) who feel the same?? Surely it can't just be me? As a result I have only been with 2 or 3 men and usually men who I've just got off with from work/Uni so I am not finding the right ones, but I still will refuse to date.What has happened to the old fashioned way of seeing someone you like, getting to know them first and then going out with them? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2019): Plexi - OP here again. I have plenty of men 10-15 years older who show (or have shown) an interest in me, but I'm not interested in settling for someone in that age group in the slightest. I'm not looking for a long term relationship or I would have forced myself into dating by now.
The lady who replied at the end of the page, I think you sound very level headed and maybe one of my hobbies will lead me to meeting someone compatible, away from a dating website.
Cheers.
A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (7 May 2019):
 Firstly, I recommend that at your age you should be looking at men 10-15 yrs older unless you do want to just have some fun( which is fine if that's what you want)!! Men your age(prob freshly divorced) or younger men just want to have fun or want a younger woman to start a family with ( I'm just being honest not mean). You need to look for people who have potential.....you wont know if you are interested in them until you get to know them.....think of how many books sound kinda boring based on the cover or are a little blah for the first few chapters but then get really good as you get further in...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2019): I tried online dating briefly and i didn't like it so i understand how you feel. I met my partner via a friend who introduced us and it wasn't even intentionally done so to get us together we met by chance.
Unfortunately if you are not willing to go out on dates to get to know someone how are you going to meet someone?
Have you got any specific interests in which you could join a group or any new hobbies you want to try out where there will be groups of people? It is a case of getting out there but not in drinking environments more places where you feel comfortable and likely to meet people with similar interests.
Or why not join more reputable dating sites if you haven't already??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2019): Thanks Plexi - OP here & that sounds a good idea if I do find someone. Trouble is I never really meet that many men who I'm interested in. Wiseowl I do have a social life but find the only men who are interested in me are men who are very much older - not anyone around my own age or younger.
Cheers.
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A
female
reader, Plexi +, writes (6 May 2019):
If you find that you don't meet anyone interesting enough through work or you normal life then you shou SHOULD consider going online.........just to see what's out there! IF you meet someone with potential, email each other a couple of times and then move it to talking on the phone regularly to get to know each other for a few weeks and when the time comes to meet, DON'T go on a formal date......just meet for a coffee( you buy yours, he buys his), talk and see if there's enough there to start dating:) Hope this helps and gives you the courage to ease into it!! XO
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2019): I totally agree with WiseOwlE yes nowadays we men are afraid even to send a friends request to a female on FB for fear of being accused of harassment. However you can help to encourage a prospective candidate by a small smile and hi.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2019): Honeypie touched on a good point regarding men being hesitant about approaching women. Of course, the coarse and pushy types of men don't care much one-way or the other about appropriateness, or harassment. They're the exception.
However, there are gentlemen who are more careful; because the movement has forgotten you have to approach to connect. Man-haters and sexism has cast all men on the same heap. So you have to be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it! You just might get rejection for the same reasons men get it.
All good causes or advocate groups get infiltrated by toxic people who take things beyond reason; so that makes it tougher for single-ladies less inclined to be bold. Even those who are self-confident or assertive; who want to take the more aggressive role as the pursuer. Men nowadays are more likely to resort to our fight of flee instincts. So good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2019): It comes down to making a choice between loneliness; or finding yourself romantic-companionship, I guess.
You're an adult, and by this stage in your life you have to put aside all fear and trepidation regarding something that comes natural for nearly all adult human beings. We all have to seek a mate. By any sensible means necessary! It won't fall into your lap!
How will seeking others sharing the same problem help you in any way? It would only mean they suffer from the same issues that you have. Finding company in your misery when you need to find a breakthrough may be counterproductive in this instance. You need a love-life! You want romance and good male-companionship! You need to overcome what holds you back!
Have you ever sought professional-counseling to determine if this avoidance could be due to a social-anxiety disorder?
If you were more social and outgoing you'd likely meet people the good old-fashioned way. Nothing has happened to this normal method of seeking romance by random chance. It's just that the modern era has introduced dating through the use of social media; which offers a wide-range of choices. This is the age of convenience! Like you, I avoided that route; but I met someone by chance. I'm a loner, but I don't avoid human-contact for strange reasons. I like to observe and study people. I love humanity. I develop lifelong friendships. I offer advice, and volunteer to help people.
I wasn't looking at the time we met; but just happened upon someone wonderful. Going strong for six years! I had a partner of 28 years, who passed-away with cancer. We met as kids, so I had little dating experience; but I jumped in with both feet when I finally did. I didn't know what I was doing, but I love a challenge! It didn't go badly. Randomly dated a few nice people. I had a brief romance, and got dumped...but I recovered! I met someone wonderful two years after I had been dumped. I never lose hope. I believe in God and blessings. Hopelessness is not an option for me.
Searching for hobby groups, travel clubs, and attending cultural events where people gather for socializing and entertainment allows you to meet a variety of single-men of all age-groups and personality-types. Take-up golf, gourmet cooking, a dance class, and just going to the local park for a jog or a stroll will expose you to "people."
Loners by nature, like you and I, have to open ourselves up and be gracious to the public. You have to have a circle of friends and a support-system that keeps you active, and forces you to practice using your social-skills. If you're in-hiding, you probably have few or no friends. If you can make close-friends, you can find romance. It's basically the same thing; only a different kind of chemistry.
Drastic-times call for drastic-measures! Sweetheart, you haven't had a real date for most of your life; and perhaps you may have to break the "no dating-sites" rule! You've got some catching-up to do! I agree that they don't guarantee you anything or can be creepy or unsettling. However, you do need an option when the well is dry; and there are limited prospects. Not dating co-workers should be your rule, if anything!
Take adult-classes in a foreign-language, improve your professional-skills by taking night-classes and attending seminars; or become a volunteer for a good cause to help those in need. You'll meet generous and kind-hearted gentlemen.
Socializing and exposure helps! An available single-lady in her 40's who hasn't really dated much in her life has to consider every resource available to her; if she wants to find romance and companionship. You have to step outside your comfort-zone. If it isn't possible to do that on your own; seek professional-counseling to determine why that isn't possible.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 May 2019):
 People still see someone and work up the nerve to ask them out on a date. It's NOT all apps and online dating. Many people meet through friends and family still.
However, many men don't approach women out in public as much as before, because some are worried that it will come across as either harassment or inappropriate.
And secondly, you HAVE to be out and about to be noticed and approached or approach someone. Are you? Do you socialize, see new places, try new things, meet new people?
Thirdly, if you had no success looking for a partner at work, maybe it's because that idea is a bit flawed. You aren't hired to look for men to date, you are hired to do a job.
And lastly (and NO OFFENSE meant) many might presume that you aren't single due to your age. As a LOT of people your age group are NOT single. And you said it yourself.. you refuse to date... so why is this an issue?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2019): I've met all of my bf (not that they were THAT many) and my husband through first high-school and then later on university and work.
Dating sites that we have here where I live are pretty bad. I've never been on a dating site, because (and I do not mean to offend people who have, still do and have found their mates that way) I do not want to seem desperate. I know some people, both men and women, who use them and women mostly search for partners, while men search for sex. Guess who gets disappointed in the end. I'm not saying that is the case everywhere. But unfortunately here, the sites give some people the means to pretend and tell others what they want to hear. Not that people cannot deceive you when you meet them through more traditional means.
I've been only on one date. Seriously. I met my husband-to-be in a hallway. He was standing with some of my friends. When I left. He asked a friend of mine if he could have my number. The friend called to check... and we went on a first date. After that we just spent time together no pressure, getting to know one another.
Actually, this is how I got to know, as I said, all of my ex-bfs. By casually spending time together (school, work). It really takes the pressure off. You do not constantly need to be the best version of yourself.
However, I realize now, that at a certain age, one has to look beyond an office in order to find someone.
Let's say you're looking for someone caring, who likes to help others and be a part of a community. I'd start volunteering somewhere. Because, there's a higher possibility to meet someone like that in a soup kitchen or in an animal rescue than in a bar (not that there's anything wrong with bars).
What is your passion? What are your hobbies? There are some hobbies that are less social, but there are clubs and associations for anything these days. It would give you a chance to meet people without the pressure of looking for a mate.
I hope this helps.
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