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male
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anonymous
writes: I need help. My wife and I are in our forties. We are both in our 2nd marriages. Just the mention of her telling me she was at the same resturant as when she dated someone gives me this sick feeling inside. I was married for a long time before but can't remember such emotions for my ex, or anybody for that matter. I hate the thought of her with anyone but me. It just gets me sick. I realize these are unjustified feelings. She has 2 kids with her ex. Somehow my mind accepts this but not any other of her relationships. She had many boyfriends before she married that she told me did most acts except intercourse. She wanted to save that for the man she would marry, which was at 21 years old. I applaud this but can't deal with after her divorce when she went to clubs and dated many men. She has told me I am her 3rd man to have intercourse with. One man was a 3 year relationship, the other a 2 month fling. This one hurts the most. Why?? She has told me I am the best lover she has ever been with that includes her 20 year marriage. She told me I am the complete man in every way for her, so there shouldn't be any esteem issues. I just don't understand why I can't let her past go. From reading these posts, I should have no issues. She has made it clear she would wished I was the man that took her virginity and would have been content if I was her only man ever. So what's my problem? Why can't I deal when she talks about her past with another man? I have not even gone into her issues yet. This is the short version. I had a past before I was married that she feels she's up against. She loves me in bed but can't get over how experienced I seem. I have been more than her but this is not why I am so good to her. She just brings the best out of me, for sure. This brings her to question me about my past and when we talk this gets her sick also. I don't like to talk about these things but she wants to know and says she wants to know what she's up against. I try to reassure her that I was not like this with other woman and that she brings the best out of me and there is no comparing in my mind. I am 100% in the present and she is all I could ever asked for, my true soul mate. So we end up talking over and over about the same things. We communicate great, so we end up fixing things but some things can trigger the same fight again and again. We have been married a short time. Do you think more time in the relationship will soothe these emotions for us? Sorry for this long post but we need help and she doesn't want to see a therapist with me.
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (28 January 2006):
 you say the 2 month fling hurts the most, i can kinda relate to that and i think my boyfriend can although i cant nessarily explain it, my husband is pretty relaxed when it comes to my exes and he dosent fret about them but he is mates with the guy i dated for 4 years but wont acknowledge or make an effort if one of exes that only lasted a month comes over to say hi , but i am the same too , i often wonder why this is and the best i can come up with is that the long term relationships probably fizzled out and maybe the passion left before it ended and that dosent seem like such a threat in our minds but when it ends after just a month or so maybe the feelings hadnt fizzled , maybe we are more inclined to see it as a steamy fling, i try get round this by thinking to myself i am just assuming the worst and most short relationships end cos their hearts just wernt in it, or maybe its something else but whatever it is lots of people feel the same way , the best thing to do is to remember they are with you now and yes time should soothe, if this information is fresh to you it can take sometime to adjust to it but when you do you will realise you think about it less and less stongly
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2006): You are both together now and in your forties. Be satisfied with that and happy. It is called LIFE. Get over yourselves and grow up. You have finally found each other, please try to enjoy It NOW instead of fighting over the PAST.
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