A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I started a relationship with a man 7 years ago when he and his wife were on the verge of a divorce. He was thrown out of his house and needed a friend at the time. I wanted to be that friend. The divorce came soon after. I had also separated from my husband some time before that and got divorced soon after.Neither of us was the cause of the others divorce. He gave me an impression then,that he needed me and made me feel so. We had a lovely steady relationship for more than two years. In 2005 he changed his job and moved to the UK; he called me to join him, to start a new life, which i did in 2006; this was the first time we were actually 'living together'; When I arrived I discovered he had got himself involved in three different jobs; one was his regular full time job in the NHS as a doctor, and the others two were part time,to keep him occupied while he had been alone here for nearly a year. His son and daughter were also studying in universities in the UK but had precious little time for him. I had hoped that after my arrival he would cut down on his working hours and spend time with me as I was new to this country and new nothing of the place, but i discovered that he was spending almost 14 to 16 hrs/day working(any more than 8 hrs were extra hrs). Obviously, I felt unwelcome. In spite of the fact that he had actually got me to give up a steady job and friends. He did not appreciate that I had made a big move, and i joined him because i really wanted to start a new life and home with him. i felt let down when he had no time for me and he found me too 'demanding'. I did not have a job at the time but I because had money of my own I was not a financial burden to him at any time.Things still went a few steps backwards in our relationship. After about 10 monthsnhe finally said he had realised had made a mistake and was not able to take 'close relationships'. He then suggested that the only thing that would make things better was for me to move out and get a place of my own. I readily did so, but was later blamed for 'leaving him'... during the time that i was with him, for some reason or another his relationship got better with his ex-wife. He told me to not worry; apparently since they had parted friends and had gone through an 'amicable' divorce he had to do it for the sake of his children who were 20 and 22 at the time. Also while i was actually living with him he planned to go on a holiday and broke his journey for a week, on the way,to spend part of his holiday with his ex. I told him at the time that this wasn't fair but he told me off by saying it was 'his holiday, his plans, therefore nothing to do with me'. Subsequently he decided to take up a job in the city where his ex lives. The reasons he gave me were that we were not getting along anyway; the pay package was good and the weather was good (sunny Dubai!) In all fairness to him he has visited the UK several times. He comes and stays with me though his children are also here. He swears he loves me and proclaims it quite often. He has also asked me to marry him but on at least four occasions when we have been on the verge of going to the registry office he has got 'cold feet' and we have not managed to get anywhere. His ex-wife also has a long term relationship going on with someone but because of being in the same town my partner and his ex meet frequently and have nurtured their relationship into a strong 'friendship', so he says, and he says this relationship is important to him. I feel sidelined out of it all mostly because i am geographically not close to him and i feel, that over the past nearly two years that he has been away,I have become emotionally distanced. We communicate less and less,and most of the time have nothing to talk about. Though he says he loves me and needs me, I don't feel there is much truth in it anymore. I have been loyal and faithful to him for more than seven years but I don't see us getting anywhere.I have never cheated on him in the slightest way. I don't think he appreciates that at all. He avoids any issue of sitting and discussing the future. I have offered to step out of his life and let him live it the way he wants to but he wont let me leave. He insists he needs me; that he has no one else, and that he has nowhere else to go... I am totally confused and lost. I am tired of living in the uncertainty of something which I can't even call a relationship. He does not support me financially so I am not indebted to him in that way. I genuinely care about him and love him but lately I am not even sure whether he values my love and faithfulness towards him. I feel he takes me for granted and I am not certain I want to just hang around and wait for years and years for him to decide whether we will ever be together. Long distance love has not helped me in my relationship. For him, he says, it is good because he can see me when he wants to and live his life the way he wants to at other times...I don't want to leave him but if this is the way it is going to go on... with no commitment whatsoever, I don't think I will be able to go on. I don't know what to do. I can't see that he wants his life any different from what it is now. I need some advice...I am totally lost!!!
View related questions:
divorce, ex-wife, his ex, long distance, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Artistry  +, writes (1 February 2009):
 Hi there, You are not lost. What you have outlined is exactly what and where the relationship and the situation is. What I would want you to do, is to try to take yourself out of the situation mentally and read your letter to us, as if it were someone else, and write down what you think that other person should do. It is all there, people also need door mats, to clean their feet on, sorry to be so blunt, but you ned a mental shake-up. This man only wants you there when he wants you, he is not able to be intimate with you because he doesn't know how to share his feelings. It's his world, come to the UK because he wants you there, get out of his house because he doen't want you there, but he "needs" you, please! He is a selfish so and so, who relishes using people, he detaches and then blames you for not being there. Get you mind together, he doesn't respect you the way he should, he certainly doesn't know the meaning of love, that's why he says he needs you, but for what. When he gets tired of your presence he sends you packing, that is not some one who cares about you or your feelings. You put what you were doing on ice to come to him and what does he do, hardly pays you any attention, pets get more than that, but it's not his fault, you are not gving him all he "needs". Look at the picture as it is, you have to stop loving someone who really does not care for you, as a person who really cares should. Accept it, sometimes we make decisions that are not in our best interest. Make the decision to be good to yourself, this man is not the answer. He is emotionally gone as far as your "relationship" goes, I don't really think you actually got to know the real man, you came into this, I think seeing what you thought was the man you cared about only to find when the curtain was pulled back, he was not what you thought. Move on, seriously, enough time has been spent on this un-sustainable situation. Plants need water and sunlight to grow, you as a human are getting nothing in return from him, it hurts when you care, but you can't keep giving and not receiving, that hurts worse. So now, cry if you wish, but this is your only life, I know you don't want to spend it this way. So go back to where you lived, or choose a new location, but move on and fast. You really don't even have to tell him where you are going, his ego is only going to want to talk you into to staying for just that, his ego. Give up this man without emotion. Turn over a new leaf and start to live again and grow. You have been drained by trying to put him first. Stop it. Stay in touch, let me know your feelings. Preserve your sanity and save yourself from nothingness. For that is what he is giving you, nothing. Please realize that, and if you re-read your letter, you will see that this is what you described. Take care always. I wish you the best, but you must make the decision to love and respect yourself. Deep breath and move it forward now, please. You deserve better.
|
