A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm recently out of a long term relationship. We had been sexually stagnant, possibly incompatible. Early on there was pressure to orgasm and he would leave angry if it didn't work, or there'd be some let down and sometimes crying. This was years ago but I'm trying to explain the background. Since those times, I began to rely on toys to make me orgasm so we wouldn't have that drama. My guy never on his own figured out how I work (and I never really pushed it because of our history).So I have new questions with my newfound freedom--When the attention is turned to me, and not just the joint activity of sex, I had been fantasizing throughout that time to get it to 'work' quicker. I feel uncomfortable about doing that with new partners. I am trying to start over sexually just by myself, so I've been using my hand but it takes FOREVER. Like 45 minutes. Unless I let my mind stray and fantasize, then it's maybe 10 minutes or so. What do I do? I've read stuff like just focus on the sensations or my breathing but I just get bored. How do I explain to guys what I want, what I like? I don't think most men don't expect or want to deal with toys, especially if they're fairly casual relationships (I can't get into anything serious for a while and I'll be safe)--it's seen as something to spice up not the default and/or as a kinky thing? I feel like the answer is "just show them" but I feel like when I'm asked to show what I like it's more for them than for me, like to turn them on vs. getting myself off.Thanks.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 September 2014):
 I think the consensus is that a lot of women don't orgasm vaginally. Men know this and sort of gave up but the considerate ones would go down on you and make sure you come that way. Your ex was too stuck up on that issue and gave you a lot of pressure. He probably made you feel that is something wrong with you if you can't cum while having sex. Maybe that's the time you decided to rely on toys. I don't like it when orgasms become the end all be all of sex. It should be connecting, and feeling each other's energy. I don't really care if I orgasm. Even the men you meet are going to be casual, if I were you I would tell them I use toys when I am single but would love to know if they could help me achieve orgasms. If not it's okay. To hell with what your ex thinks.
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