A
male
age
30-35,
*ricc72
writes:Ok me and my girlfriend that i have been dating for about 7 months are having trust problems. It all started about 3 months into our relationship everything was great up till then we had never had a fight or argument in the world. she is the very nice girl who never ever wanted to cause problems and have fights she is definitely not a party girl she has never ever drank and is still a virgin. She is 16 i am 18. About 3 months into our relationship we are up in her room while her parents and her brother who is 18 in my grade and all his friends are partying downstairs. I am somewhat friends with all of them but one and the one i don't really like i didn't mind him and could tolerate being around him and talked to him occasionally. He and her brothers other couple of friends are all close with her family and are best friends with her brother so they are over there almost every day. So one night i was laying on my girlfriends shoulder in her bed with her cuddling and i see the one i didn't really like texts my girlfriend while he is downstairs partying that he can't sleep and asking if i was still there and what she was doing i don't know if she saw me reading her texts while she texted him but she gave him pretty much yes and no texts and asked why and he made up a lie and said o everyone down here wanted to know. I asked her about it and she said she didn't know why he was texting her and he wasn't trying anything or anything. i worried about this for about 2 weeks and she randomaly asked me what i would do if another guy liked her and i said probably tell him to fuck off and she said o. i countinued to question her for about another 2 weeks until i asked her about it one time and she finally told me she said she liked him and didn't know why to tell her and has liked her for a long time and said very inapporiate things to her she says she told him to leave me and alone and don't talk to me about it because he would wait till after i left at about 3 in the morning to talk to her.me and the person who tried doing that got in a big fight threatening each other but that's not what im posting about i don't know if i can trust her. She hid and lied to me for a long time without telling me. She has cried countless times about this because she has always told me and all her friends and her family has always told me that she is very trustful and would never cheat on me. We are the only two that have done sexual stuff together so i am worried something happened between them one night when he was drunk. Her parents have told me he will never try anything again but i always get a feeling something happened. I am always questioning myself if i can believe her and if she's telling the truth she has been very upset cause she doesn't think i can trust her she knows she screwed up not telling me and she says she regrets it every day and would never do anything like that again but i am always questioning if she hiding anything or lying again. He tried countless time to get togeather with her when i had no idea even asking her to go to mcdonalds for breakfast and she went. She has cried so many times about this and says she told him she doesn't like him that way. She tells me she thinks he is gross and would never do anything with him but im really worried cause i don't know. She loves me with all her heart and i love her with all my heart so i don't know what to do. She has promised me so many times i am the only guy she's ever done stuff with and she has never cheated on me and never will and her reason for not telling me was because she was scared because she didn't want to cause a fight and she says she didn't know why so i am always worrying about this and questioning myself if i can trust her now i need help bad..
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male
reader, ericc72 +, writes (26 April 2011):
ericc72 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you have anymore advice for this cause im still hurting..
A
male
reader, ericc72 +, writes (25 April 2011):
ericc72 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much cerberus you have been a huge help!! I still have some questions though how do i not think about it and forget about it im having trouble with that cause when i get into deep thought and start thinkin alot about it when im alone or not doing anything important it pops into my head and starts eating me up and making me really upset and im gonna try not to tell me girlfriend anymore cause i can't stand to see her hurting and crying about this any more cause i have been asking her and questioning her for months now cause i get so upset about it cause things like why she actually went to mcdonalds and what actually happened some of those weekends that stupid guy got drunk and waited till i left she says it was just stuff like i wanna be with you and cuddle so bad and if we were togeather i wouldn't want sex which he would though cause he's like that and she would just say no i don't wanna be anything other than friends and i don't wanna talk about this and all that but i just wonder if anything else was said and she said she can't remember that well cause it was so long ago and she can't remember everything but she said he never said anything about having sex with her so im questioning myslef all the time if other things were really said or if anything else actually happened those nights i was gone and the whole mcdonalds situation has me bothered too cause he texted her that morning cause he stayed the night at there house cause he was drunk and asks her the next morning to go to mcdonalds. The only texts i saw by him was that night saying he cant sleep and asking if i was still there and that has me bothered to she didnt really lead him on though she gave him one word or 2 word texts..even though she says he's gross and disgusting and would never do stuff with him im having a hard time getting over this and its really hurting me inside..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): I think you need to find a way past this in your mind then OP. This could be an important lesson for her and one that she won't repeat. OP the fact that her parents are even getting involved to ensure this guy gets his act together and leaves her alone is a very good sign.
You have to give her a pass on this one, you have to find a way of believing her when she says nothing happened because despite what I said in my original response, it very much sounds like she is innocent and just handled it the wrong way. You have to see that when she says this is not a mistake she will repeat that she is telling the truth because it is, although there is no way of knowing for sure show her faith OP, she wouldn't be trying this hard nor feel so devastated by this if it wasn't a genuine mistake, so cut her and yourself some slack. This is not something you will have to face with her again so you have to let it go. Try and see these things for the positives. This girl must be head over heels in love with you and you must be good for her too, if even her parents are trying to protect your relationship.
Don't let an inability to forgive and forget spoil what you have, because I have a feeling her inexperience and innocence is one of the things you love about her. There's no point in bringing this up anymore, she's given you your answers and I have a feeling you truly believe her too. You have to consolidate this in your mind and let it go. Listen OP because this is very important, you must completely move past this any way you can and you can never bring it up in argument or in the future in any kind of negative way.
She's working hard to prove herself to you, so show her some faith, start finding a way of moving on from this and start getting your relationship back on track again. If this was a genuine mistake which I think you feel it is then it's time you started being the boyfriend to her that is so good for her that her parents are even fighting to keep you. Time to be that guy again OP, time to start protecting her from your fears of what may have happened and trust her when she says nothing did. She made a mistake, but it's time to step up and be that guy again, she won't make the same mistake again, don't let your feelings destroy the beautiful thing you have with this girl, something that will only become stronger and better because now you know she will never do anything like that again because she's had a taste of how painful that can be to both of you. Time to ease her mind and let her know that she doesn't have to worry about that anymore, that she only has to know you're not going anywhere and you want to build what you have with her because you trust her completely and love her.
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A
male
reader, ericc72 +, writes (23 April 2011):
ericc72 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the reponses i have talked with my girl about this many times and everytime i bring the whole situation. It brings her to tears because she has told me while crying she regrets it everyday and promises she would never do something like that again and she sayys she thought she had it taken control of and didn't wanna cause a big fight because she knew i would get pissed at him the fact she lied and hid it for that long is what is bothering me. She has been doing better telling me stuff the last few months she tells me when her brothers friends are at her house and what she is doing all the time i have asked her so many times if anything has ever happened between her and that other guy and she always tells me he is gross and disgusting and would never ever do anything with him even if we broke up somehow and her anwser to going to mcdonalds with him was because noone else was up in the house and her parents wanted breakfast and she did too even though i know she doesn't really like breakfast that much the simple fact he asked her by text that morning and she went bothers me we have talked about this and she promises me and swares to god looking at my face she has never cheated on me and done anything with another guy and tells me her anwser will never ever change and i told her not to be afraid to tell me and i wouldn't break up with her and she says i am not afraid and i would tell you but nothing ever has but i always wonder and by the way the guy who tried doin everything my girlfriends parents told him if he ever trys anything again he will never be allowed there again and he said he wouldn't but i still just can't get over wondering if something ever did happen
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 April 2011):
 I read this twice through and hope I'm getting the story right.First of all, I can tell you with certainty that you *can* trust her. She's not a party girl, and she's kept her virginity. Hardly seems like the behavior pattern of someone who's going to sneak out behind your back for a random drunken sexual encounter.The one you can't trust is this other guy. He is in full-on pursuit mode and isn't taking no for an answer, nor is he backing down. I agree that she shouldn't have gone out with him to McDonalds, and she needs to learn the art of shooting men down so decisively that they break off the chase. She's not getting off on his attention if it's making her cry.let me ask you this - say you went to a party and some girl you know from school or work comes onto you. She pushes up against you, tells you she's always been into you, and kisses you. You break off the kiss and tell her that you've got a girlfriend. She starts texting you, and you give her short, terse answers in hopes that she gets the hint. Would you immediately run to your girlfriend to tell her exactly everything that happened?Most likely, you'd not say anything because you think you've got it under control, and you don't want to hurt her. What if your girlfriend was the one who was jealous of this other girl? You need to cut your girl some slack in terms of trusting HER, or you will drive her away from you. You have every right not to trust the other guy, and now that you know your girlfriend has gone to McDonalds with this other guy, tell her to shoot this guy down once and for all. Sometimes, we have to outright tell someone we're not interested and disregard the guilt of causing someone to feel rejection.I do assert this - do not comb through her cell phone, computer, email, and stuff that is OFF limits, or she will not only break it off with you, but she will hate you for not trusting her when she's really not done anything to deserve it. She's a virgin for crying out loud!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2011): You know if this was any other situation I'd say you couldn't trust her but this one is different.It looks to me like she is just young and dumb (inexperienced), it sounds like a genuine mistake to me. Girls of her limited experience and actually a lot of older women too just cannot distinguish between innocent friendship and a guy who is actively pursuing them nor how to act when they do find out. Seriously I know girls that haven't got a clue a guy is trying to get with them when everyone else in the room says they are. Not only that but girls like that think it's okay to feed this behaviour and respond because their intentions are innocent and they "won't do anything", as I said girls like that are just dumb to this kind of thing. Because you know as a guy that letting other guys romantically pursue you is a huge no-no and it doesn't matter whether she would have done anything or not the very fact she was letting a guy so blatantly come on to her like that is dangerous because she's keeping the door open and in the heat of the moment slips can happen, next thing she knows he could be kissing her. I mean what would have happened if you weren't there that night? You know exactly what would have happened because you're a guy and you know guys like him. He would have went up and crawled into bed with her, and you know what she would have let him too because she didn't tell him to stop all this crap when she easily could have. That's what is eating you up inside because you have no idea whether that has happened already because she did allow a guy to do all this stuff behind your back. She hid it from you and her reasons for doing so are valid (she could genuinely have been scared of your reaction) but that very same principle means she's too scared to tell you that he did crawl into bed with her before and tried it on. If she was scared of your reaction to his pursuit then she'd be even more scared to tell you that he did something already. Even if she did push him off or anything like that. I'm sorry OP but it's very bad news to be dating a girl that is that naive (assuming she is actually innocent in all this), that's almost worse than if she did it on purpose.I've been in this situation before OP, the way I handled it was this. First I demanded (not asked) for full disclosure, I was the one she fucked with this behaviour whether intentionally or not and she was going to have to work hard to prove herself after that if she wanted to regain my trust. The first step was to tell me everything, that I was going to find out anyway and if I found out she kept more stuff from me then it was over, but if she told me everything now then I wouldn't and it would be the first step of regaining my trust. Now the girl I was with was just naive, incredibly naive. She thought it was cool to lead guys on like that because she had no intentions of doing anything (I know for a fact she wouldn't have initiated anything) and she didn't realize that was happening. You see some girls think it's okay to let guys do that as long as they don't respond, but it's not. By not telling this guy that he doesn't stand a chance by not making it clear to him to back off they leave the door open for him to try it on. That's a major breach in trust, and is wholly unacceptable but then again some girls just don't know any better. You need to have that talk with her, you need full disclosure, you need to find out why she thought it was okay to let happen and you need to make it clear to her that it's not. That if she ever lets another guy do this to her and doesn't stop it instantly then you're gone without a second thought. If she ever hides anything from you or you find out she hasn't been completely honest about all that happened with him that you're gone, again no compromise. But first you need to get the full story out of her. I find it hard to believe in all that time he didn't physically crawl into bed with her or try and kiss her. He did that night and something tells me it's not the first time. That's it really at the moment you're right not to trust her, whether through stupidity or whether she enjoyed the attention what she did was for me a deal breaker, but if she's just young and dumb then you can put it down as a mistake, assuming she never actually did anything, and assuming she never got into the position where he was able to make a move. Because if she did OP, then that would be it for me, if I found out that he had crawled into bed with her and/or he tried to kiss her before and she stayed in contact with him I'd dump her ass.
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