A
female
age
36-40,
*manda15
writes:My husband told me that he had cheated on me I have decided to stay and see if we can make it work. We have been together for 10yrs and have 3 children hence why I am trying to move on. He has done everything I have asked ie deleted her number, blocked her from Facebook gave me his password for Facebook (although I haven't used it) and has told me when she has tried to coach him. The OW lives in the same village and works in the same company although totally different area as both of us. The thing that I am finding so hard is seeing her as it is a constant reminder. I need advice on how to get over this. I am fine when he is home or I am busy with things but it is the moments when I am home that I sit and think things and get upset which I don't want my children to see. Please help any advice is appreciated x
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (19 February 2015):
Of course it'll hurt when you see the OW. Your husband cheated on you with her and it hurts. Time is a great healer and gradually, once you come to terms with what's happened, you'll find it easier to see her.It's a shame she can't move away but that's life. You see her often and it'd be better if you did'nt at all. In the meantime i'd suggest you focus on finding out how and why your husband cheated? There is often a reason but that reason may not have anything to do with you. Find out anyway.You and your husband need to heal your marriage. Learn from this experience. Some couples have ended up with stronger, happier marriages thanks to an affair. You have very right to feel angry with this OW and dread seeing her.But what you need is a change of heart not scenery. You are not a victim! People will see you as the poor wife who was cheated on but you've held strong and are making every effort to make your marriage work. That's called being a survivor!The OW, and I say this from almost being one myself before, usually feel duped into thinking their affair partner will leave their wife etc but this does'nt always happen. Affairs usually end in tears, the OW woman hurts more than you'd imagine.But ask yourself this. What kind of a woman is happy being the OW? Is it lack of self esteem or desperation? Why not find a single man to plan a future with not someone else's husband? It's shameful and sad. So when you see this woman, feel sorry for her.If she wanted to be happy, have a healthy r/ship and a family of her own, she'd leave other women's husbands alone. But she did'nt, did she? She may have serious low self-esteem. Feel sorry for her that she stooped so low. But don't let this experience bring you down either. That's why I suggested focusing on your marriage and yourself. This affair would've crushed you so before any lasting scars are left, allow yourself to heal. Have a look on the internet. There are some wonderful articles and topics that will help you a great deal. Use this as an opportunity to learn and heal.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (19 February 2015):
 You're feeling the vacuum that happens in the aftermath of the disclosure of the affair, and you're right, the process is far from over. It isn't enough just to cut off contact (though that's a good start). There's the damage done by the cheating as well as finding out what made the marriage vulnerable, if that was a factor.
You both need marriage counseling, and I'm not talking about a couple of sessions. I'm talking about at least a weekly ongoing commitment that lasts a while, helps you cope with your emotional backlash, and deals with him as well, because getting into an affair is like a drug. You don't just "go off" it, and his telling you...what precipitated that? Usually, if a guy isn't caught by his wife, it's not just because he can't live with himself.
It's usually because she either made demands on him for more than just an illicit affair (i.e. she wanted him to leave you, or show her more attention, or the feelings ramped up and became near-obsessive on both parts), or there was an ultimatum given by her or someone else who found out about the affair (i.e. "either you tell your wife, or I will.").
My point is - the issue that motivated his adultery is still there, and just ending the affair isn't dealing with it.
If you both are serious about rebuilding he marriage, it can't be about "getting past" it. The relationship can't be as it once was, and you're already realizing that you can't do this on your own. You need support, and you need tools, and more importantly, you need to know that your husband has had a true radical change from the cheater he's been to someone who's engaged in the marriage and you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): Since you have already made the decision to forgive, move forward with him and stay in the marriage, then just take it day by day. It is normal to feel the way you do. You are not going to forget about this overnight. You may never forget it. But with time, you will feel stronger and less anxious about it. Especially if he keeps his end of the bargain and continues to be open, honest and faithful in an effort to rebuild the trust between you. For the mere fact that time heals all wounds. You two could also try marriage counseling or you yourself could see a therapist. A professional who will be able to coach you and guide you and provide an environment, away from your children where you can talk out your problems. When you are at home and these thoughts go through your head try to think of something else. And think about your kids and the commitment you've made on their behalf to stay in the marriage. And keep lines of communication open with your husband. If you are feeling down or anxious about it, talk to him.
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