A
female
age
41-50,
*mptyHeart
writes:I need help on something...My husband passed away about 4 1/2 years ago, and I was left with 3 young children (9, 6 and 5). I ended up, out of fear of being alone, dating really fast. I got into a 3 year relationship that was not good. He was critical, overbearing, and judgmental. He met my kids after a year, and they just hated him because he could be mean to them, not in any abusive way, just too overbearing. I FINALLY ended that after 4 years. I was able to be alone finally and be happy with myself, plus it just bothered me that my kids were unhappy. So, as they say, when you are not looking for love, and you are content with yourself, someone will come into your life. And he did. I met the most generous, kind, and good man there is. I have never been so happy in my entire life, we have talked marriage. Here is the problem...My younger 2 have met him and love him, my whole family loves him, my friends love him, but my oldest (14), refuses to meet him. I am trying to give her her space, and not push meeting him, but it is having an effect on our relationship. He tries to understand, but gets frustrated because he wants everything to go smoothly. I feel bad for him, he is so patient. I feel bad for my daughter too, but she has to understand that I finally found someone that makes me happy again. She screams at me all the time, she says she wants to move out, I can't go a day without her screaming at me. I offered for her to go to therapy for her issues with losing her dad, I offered us to go together, she wants NO PART in therapy. We all have gone to bereavement counseling, that didn't work for her. Im at my wits end and don't know what to do. I soooo want this to work. He is being so patient with me. I am crying every day over this. How do I find a happy medium and have her meet him? Have her accept this new situation? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 April 2013):
 Even if her dad had not died, at 14 she would be fighting you. It's part of being a 14 year old girl.
I think that with your update you have a great grasp on this
yes it's frustrating for you and for him and for her.
maybe she's scared to meet him because she senses that this is the right guy and she's afraid if she lets him into her life as a (quasi) stepdad that she's betraying her father. It's not true but that's how some kids think.
I would not address HIM so much as her dad. He died when she was 9 and that's devastating. Talk about daddy and how much you loved him and miss him. Make sure she knows he's always there and a part of your life forever. And that no one can EVER replace him.
I know that when my mother was literally days from death her biggest fear was my father being alone after she died. She begged him to remarry (the scene was out of a woody allen film trust me). Sometimes young folks cannot see that moving on with our lives is what our loving partners would have wanted for us. Perhaps you could talk to her about it and see if she thinks you are being disloyal to daddy?
Maybe she's afraid she won't be able to talk about him after this guy is part of her life?
Are there pictures of her dad up in the home?
I was 35 when I lost my mom and I HEARD her and saw her beg my dad to remarry. It was still hard for me to accept that he had met a new woman that he got serious with. It took me a LONG time (years) to accept her as my father's partner.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 April 2013):
 What is she screaming at you about? Is it general rage?
Why don't you go to family counseling without her?
It sounds as though you are taking on feeling bad for everyone else. You feel bad for your daughter, and she screams at you to make sure you feel bad. You feel bad for your new beau, he shows his impatience to make sure you feel bad. When do you get to have your own feelings? When do you get to make them feel bad for making you feel bad?
Don't take on other people's feelings. They are their own. You can manage your time to keep them apart for the time being. Stay calm and focused when in the presence of your daughter. Don't react to the screaming. She wants your reaction, she wants to know she can get to you. Don't cry in her presence, if you can manage.
She also needs to know that she can trust you to make good decisions. The last guy was a bad decision and it affected her, perhaps there's something you are not aware of?
Your daughter has this as her family past: a dead father, a controlling if not abusive man whom they hated and now a new man she is fearful of meeting. She hides her fear behind her anger, I bet. She's also a teenager, and this time isn't known as being all peaches and cream even for the most stable and intact families. Teenagers are difficult. They are going from the stage of believing that Mom (and Dad) are so smart and great to facing peer pressure and the whacky new world of social networking, and deciding that Mom is a big dork. If Dad were alive, he'd be a dork too, but because he has left the family in the most final of ways, he's kind of frozen in time and may be idolized as a means of keeping his memory alive.
I go back to you needing to go into family counseling. Not necessarily bereavement counseling.
If your guy is a great as he says, he will be patient. Release yourself from worrying about his patience or impatience; that's a burden you have put on yourself, and one you don't need.
Learn to identify what it is you can control and what you cannot. Stop taking on others' pain.
This is not your fault, that your husband died. You did choose badly in the second man but grief doesn't contribute to clear, logical thinking, does it?
Take it slowly with the new guy, make sure he's really as wonderful as you hope and just learn to let go of other people's worries. You have your own, you don't need to pile on the sh*t.
The next time she screams at you, do your best to put your arms around her, tell her you love her and that you feel bad that she's feeling so upset. Don't try to fix it, just empathize with her, don't tell her she needs to go to therapy. Just love her, despite her rage. Lots of teenage girls yell at their mothers, it's almost part of the growing up process.
If she is continuing to escalate her acting out, then you should take her with you to the counseling, whether or not she wants to go.
The root of her fear and pain and anger is… what? Her dad's death? The awful second guy? What else is going on in her life that is causing her grief? Does she feel alienated at school? Is this one thing, meeting Mom's new boyfriend the one thing she has control over?
Maybe watching you be happy with the new beau is scary for her. It means changes again. All the big changes in her life have been negative. Change isn't good for her. Change is very very bad. Change is to be resisted and avoided at all costs.
I'm not a parent. I was a teenager once but never faced losing my Dad. I'm not a trained psychologist or counselor. I'm just throwing out ideas for you to think about.
You're living in fear too, you know. You're taking on other people's stuff because you feel responsible for it all. You are not. You are one person living her life, with children and a terrible loss (actually, two losses) behind you. You are not an awful person, you deserve to be able to make rational decisions that will lead to a stable and hopefully happy life for your family. You are doing the best you can.
Stop crying every day. Don't let other people (including your daughter) pile on stuff that isn't yours. You can indicate the route to balance and wellness for her but she is the one who is choosing not to take it. She needs to own that for herself.
I hope this helps you think about what you can and cannot affect and what you should and should not take on as your own stuff.
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A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (24 April 2013):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't plan on moving more forward than I already have. We talked about marriage, but no intention to do so for another year or so. I truly believe that this person is the best person for me. I was married for 10 years, knew my husband for 17, and I knew what it took to have a happy and successful marriage. This is very similar to the same feelings I had before with my husband. I know it 120%.Everyone in my family and all my friends are telling me to make her meet him. And that she cannot rule her mother. I feel differently for her. I agree with giving her the time to be ready, but Im not going to wait until she is 18 either. Im respecting her wishes, going against what everyone else is telling me. What I really wanted to know, was how to go about dealing with this age and bringing someone (EVENTUALLY) into her life? One day, she will have to meet him.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (23 April 2013):
 There a few things at play here:
1) She's (understandably) hesitant to meet a man you're dating after the last guy was such a dud.
2) You might be ready to fill the void that your husband's death left, but maybe she isn't. He was your lover, but he was her father. You can have any lover you like, but she can only have one father.
3) She's 14. 14 year old girls are notoriously difficult with their mothers.
You have no choice but to honor her feelings and be patient.
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A
female
reader, EmptyHeart +, writes (23 April 2013):
EmptyHeart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI meant 4 1/2 years since my husband passed. I dated my ex for 3 years, and then when I wasn't looking, this new guy came into the picture, really unexpectedly. I wasn't planning on jumping back into it. It just happened.
We actually hit it off very quickly and it progressed quicker than I thought. But you can't put a time limit on when you fall in love again. Also, I don't plan on introducing my daughter that quickly. We're just enjoying each other and going out and having fun. Will not let him live with me until we are married one day.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2013): I’m often inclined with these questions to side with the children. She not only lost her father, she spent her adolescent years under the thumb of a bully. Her home should be her sanctuary, but she lost that through your mistaken relationship. It’s hardly a surprise that she’s not prepared to give the new chap the benefit of the doubt.Fourteen can be the toughest age to deal with – even under the most ideal circumstances girls that age can turn into she-demons (speaking from experience). I highly doubt you’ll appease her if you back off on this relationship. But forcing someone new into her life isn’t going to make matters better either.You are the one constant, the one anchor in your children’s lives. Your children must come first. And that, sadly, means not introducing new people into their lives -- not now, not after you got it so wrong the first time. Go out on dates with this guy by all means, but don’t live with him and don’t force his presence on your daughter.
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