A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can I deal with my demanding mother?I'm a 34 year old married mother of three and yet my own mother dictates my entire life.She's had health problems on and off for the last 7 years and when she was at her worst, I had to quit my job and become her main carer. She eventually got better and although her quality of life is slightly compromised (she had a hip replacement so can't walk far on her own and has the occasional fall), she is mostly independent. However she still treats me as she did when I was caring for her, at which time I was at her beck and call 24 hours a day. Now that she's better, I'm back at work 30 hours a week along with my 8 month old and my school age children, I can't cope with her demands. A couple of examples are as follows, I finish work most days at 3pm, she will call me at 2.30 and say she needs to go shopping urgently as she's out of bread/milk etc, I'll explain that I finish work at 3 and as soon as I've picked the children up I'll be there. This isn't good enough, she will demand that I leave work early and get her en route to getting the children. If I refuse she tells me I'm selfish. This will happen usually two or three times a week, bearing in mind I take her shopping twice a week as it is. Last week I told her I had parents evening after school for the children, so I wouldn't be free until 5pm at the earliest, she called at 3.30 and told me that she had invited her friend over and I would need to pick her friend up at 4 to give her a lift. I explained that I couldn't on that day as id already told her about parents evening and was not available until after 5. Again she got angry and hung up on me. When I did go round the friend was already there - she is in fact a driver and so didn't require a lift after all but my mum had offered me to save her friend having to drive. This weekend we are due to go and see my husbands family who live 5 hours away (a trip we only do two or three times a year) and she's just told me she was hoping to take the grandchildren out for the day on Saturday and has bought tickets to a play park already so will lose her money if we go. It's like she's always wanting me to choose her over any other aspect of my life. My poor husband has remained so understanding throughout it all but it is putting a strain on our relationship as we hardly see each other let alone have any family time.I've had it out with my mum on a few occasions but she either calls me selfish or starts crying and tells me how she misses her old life before she was ill which I totally understand and sympathise with and then feel guilty that I'm not doing enough despite seeing her twice a day every day without fail.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 October 2016):
 I guess your mum got a fright when she took ill. She got used to you looking after her and being there for her all the time. She probably enjoyed having your full attention and now she still wants it. However you have a family and a young child to think about. Off course it is great you are helping your mother, but you need to also put your foot down.
I know it is not nice to hear but she is emotionally black mailing you. Yes am sure she is lonely and it is tough being alone and old. But she needs to stop trying to interfere with your work and also with your family life.
You cannot give in to her, you must just keep saying no. It is great that your husband is being supportive but am sure even his patience will run low. You just need to be firm. If you told her already you are spending time with his family and she complains that she bought tickets, just tell her you are going to hang up. Don't allow her to push at your heart strings because she is using it to get your full attention. You need to be strong.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 October 2016):
 This is emotional blackmail, pure and simple. Your mother has learned how to control you by throwing tantrums when you won't do as she wants. The only way to deal with this is the same as you would with a child who throws tantrums: don't give in. Ignore the bad behaviour and "reward" the good behaviour by spending more time with her when she is being reasonable. I had a similar situation with my mother, who used to give me a hard time because I had dared to move to a city an hour away from where she lived (and where I had lived up to the age of 20). I have lost count of the number of times I turned around, walked back out her door and drove back home within minutes of arriving for my week-end visit, because she was shouting at me and telling me how selfish I was for not living with her. (The reason I moved an hour away was precisely to get away from her!) I would then phone her during the week as normal for a chat, ignoring what had happened the previous week-end. In time she learned that, if she was civil and polite, I would stay for a while, take her shopping, help her with any jobs she needed doing and spend time chatting with her. If she started to give me a hard time, I would simply leave. Why are you afraid to stick to your guns where your mother is concerned? Your first priority SHOULD be your family. Every time your mother shouts "jump", you ask "how high?" It sounds like your family is already suffering as a result of her selfish behaviour (SHE is the selfish one, not you!). You need to stop letting her manipulate you before you lose your husband. How will you cope if that happens?Agree with your husband how much time your mother actually NEEDS (not wants) and how often you need to visit her. Then, barring accidents or emergencies, stick to that and refuse to be manipulated. It will be hard at first because she will tantrum, pout, sulk and accuse you of being selfish. You NEED to be a bit selfish, for your own sanity and for the welfare of your family. Once she learns that her tantrums and emotional blackmail no longer work on you, she will stop, because she will not be getting what she wants. You need to learn to be assertive and not let her run your life. And GO and see your husband's family. Maybe losing a bit of money (if she has, in fact, bought the tickets and is not just saying that to manipulate you) will teach her you are not going to be bullied by her any longer.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (26 October 2016):
 Yes your mother is behaving as a petulant insecure child. This is all about her control over you.It is disrespectful for her try to monopolise your time. And it is time for her to learn that you have boundaries that cannot be crossed.No she cannot make promises on your behalf without asking your permission on your behalf. Re the friend she wanted picked up.No she cannot make plans for your children without confirming beforehand that her plans do not conflict with their pre-existing plans. Such as sport, music lessons, a family event you have planned, a birthday they have agreed to go to.Your mother is an adult.She is your mother, but that does not give her the right to lay so much guilt on you.She chose to purchase the tickets without respectfully asking you first.Now she needs to face up to the consequences of losing money over the tickets.Or perhaps she knows of a family in need who could NOT afford the tickets. She could gift the tickets to them.You do have a right to family time with your husband and your children.You take her shopping twice a week. Add in an extra milk, or some long life milk, to the shopping and then say no next time she demands that you pick up some milk then you can suggest the long life milk in the cupboard to use instead, when she runs out.She is not listening when you tell her when you will not be available.Thus you need feel no guilt when you say NO, next time she behaves demandingly. And do mean NO. Yes you can agree that it is upsetting that she is lonely or sad or regretful. Those are her emotions. You are already doing more than enough already. But remain firm about your NO. At the moment she is trying to manipulate you, and she's been very successfully doing so. Could you speak to her doctor and ask if she needs some counselling to deal with her insecurities?Your mother is not friendless. She clearly has some social contact with friends.Not sure of her age but she could be anywhere between 54 and 80. Is there a nearby day program two or three times a week that she could participate in? To build her confidence and feel less insecure?Or failing that is there a hobby she could develop at home? What are her interests, or were her interests before ill health took a toll?A hip replacement does not mean a person can hardly walk very far ever again. Though if they fail to do a little walking every day then they will not build up any confidence and will not reach the level of fitness a hip replacement can allow. If that happens then fear and insecurity will hamper their recovery and also may result in depression.Talk to the Doctor about what options, support and therapy could improve your mother's balance, confidence and mobility. How long since your mother had a full medical and eye evaluation? Could there be some medical issues that are worrying her, leading to pains and concerns she has not told you? Such as cataracts (eyes not seeing as well) or balance issues (her falls) or depression (her insecurity)?You are entitled to a life to.Your husband and children are a priority and especially your children need you right now.You have already given up a lot for your mother.And you already take your mother shopping twice a week.Enough is enough. Your mother's behaviour is putting a strain on your marriage and that is not good enough.Organise a baby sitter once a week and schedule a simple date night for just you and your husband. Don't mention these plans in the evening to your mother or she will try to disrupt the date night. And don't make it always on the same night of the week. It does not need to be expensive. An alternative could even be on a saturday afternoon, when you and your husband could visit a park and share lunch together. Your husband needs you too.Some quality time one on one is important reinforces your love and commitment to each other.After all you would not have your beloved children without your beloved husband.He too needs some of your time and attention to. If your mother runs out of milk then suggest she use the long life milk and you will be there on the next shopping day to get more milk.Next time your mother phones at an inconvenient time tell her that you cannot talk at that moment but that you will ring after you finish work.She has your phone number to access you. She cannot try to use that accessibilty to undermine your job by demanding that you leave work early.Rather than you being selfish the boot is on the other foot.It is your mother who is being very selfish towards you in the way she is behaving. There is NO shame in saying NO when an unreasonable demand is put to you.You DO have a right to say NO when a demand cannot be met. You work at your job. Plus you have an 8 month old (thus you are likely to be sleep deprived, at times) and you have a child at school (with all the things you need to attend to with a school age child).Plus you have a husband who has experienced how much time you have given to your mother (time when he did not see you, and time when he had to do double duty with household duties because you were busy attending to the 24/7 demands of your mother). You already see her twice a week for shopping without fail. During that time you shop and talk and maybe even have time for a sit down and have a coffee together. That is twice as much as many daughters ever do. Now is the time to put some boundaries in place, and mean it.Your mother is likely to become more demanding over time, not less demanding.You still have a right to pursue your career, to spend quality time with your husband, and be available to support your children. You also have a right to some time to yourself, but I know that is the first casualty (re time) when you've had sleepless nights, children not well, shopping, cooking and cleaning and some time to talk things over with your husband PLUS all your mother's demands.Taking on too much can affect your health. If you became sick then where would that leave you? Who could step in to help take over all the things you are already doing for everyone else?. No one as dedicated as you, that is for sure.Do respect you and your body so that you do not begin to suffer health issues in the face of not enough sleep and too many competing demands and needs.Do respect your right to some quality time for you, instead of being treated as a 24/7 carer to your mother. You most certainly are NOT the selfish one in all this. You are being imposed upon due to your kind nature and that is unfair.
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