A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met a guy on a dating site 4 1/2 months ago. At the time I was trying out the site and didn't feel comfortable posting my real photo and other personal information on a dating site. In the past I had an issue with a online stalker so i was nervous about posting anything real up. I posted a few pictures that resembled me however the girl had bigger 'assets'. Anyway, the guys on the site were as expected mainly looking for sex and not taking it seriously as I wasn't either. But then I met an amazing guy. Tall, handsome, professional, educated, and charmed my socks off. We quickly grew close and spent hours talking online during the first few months. We told each other our deepest secrets, dreams, desires, we agreed on about everything even about sex and marriage. He'd send me an email about every day and show me his webcam. I don't trust people easy and I don't let people in my life easy but his openness about everything made me trust him more and I knew he was the real deal. He told me he never felt this way about a girl before, that he's in love with me, that he'd do anything for me, that he can't wait to introduce me to his parents, coworkers, and that he is determined to have me, that we'd have beautiful kids and of course how beautiful i am and all that after a month or so of knowing him. He also sends me his personal info very easily which amazes me as I never do that. He also canceled his account at the date site as well as I did too but I did put up a new page for a while with my real pics and info. I received the same attention from the fake page as I did on my real one but I stopped using the site altogether since the last month because I really do feel in love with this guy. I cant stop thinking about him and the hurt he would feel and maybe the rejection I will also feel since he tells me how 'beautiful' i am prevents me from telling him about the fake pics and location. Everything I told him, fears, likes, dislikes, job, school, everything personal about me has been true. Everything except for the pics and location. He's in his late 20's but says I am his first gf. I also lied about my location, we don't live that far away. He's a great person and I'm afraid to lose him as a potential real boyfriend if anything. It's very rare I meet someone that is so in sync with me intellectually, physically and emotionally. Any advice from someone who has gone through something similar is appreciated! I am trying to work up the nerve to tell him and how to tell him and easing the hurt he would feel at the same time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice. I told him the truth 2 days after reading your responses but he went from hot to cold in the intensity department. When I told him, he was indifferent after seeing my photos even pleased he said I was more beautiful than he had though before and he was glad that I was being open and honest with him and he said he thought this would further our relationship together. I gave him my contact info and expected him to call or text because he had been so eager to before but he went from hot to cold. Before, he would be very persistent, wait for me to get online and would send me e-mails about every other day but not after I told him the truth. He seemed more distant, even going for days at a time talking to him or talking to him once a week. His interest left me very confused even though he said he still 'loved' me and wanted us to be together. I told him what was bothering me and he blamed it on work that he was really busy with his new position and sometimes too busy to send a text which I thought was ridiculous. I told him some days or a week before thanksgiving that I was concerned and wanted to discuss a few things with him. He still seemed to be avoiding me only sending me a text saying that he hoped his being busy with work wasn't making me change my mind about him. So finally, after not hearing from him at all over thanksgiving weekend, confused, hurt, and angry I send him a text that said something along the lines that you can't be too busy to even text someone you supposedly love or care about and that he went from hot to cold when i told him the truth and that I was moving on and hoped we could stay friends. That is when I immediately saw him online and he tried persistently to keep me. Rang my phone but I was too hurt and angry to talk to him at that moment. He said, i love you. Do you love me? my response was I do. I just don't want to get hurt. You turning hot to cold hurts. Then he went on to say that my being not honest hurt when he was being nothing but honest he said and that he thought about it all the time. Now, I accepted him totally, flaws and all I knew he had or might have, I was ready to give 100 percent of me to him so all he was saying hurt. He asked me quickly if the reason I wanted to move on was because I had gone out on a date that thanksgiving weekend I said no because I haven't. I was very loyal to him. Then I asked him if he had dated anyone that weekend since I havent heard from him and he said no he hadn't. That he spent that friday with friends, saturday working all day. So then when I tell him that I am just going to give him space 2 weeks time he insists he doesn't need space he just wants to be with me. I tell him we won't contact each other for 2 weeks and that is when he tells me that he screwed a girl that weekend, twice on saturday and once on sunday that he was tired of waiting for me, that he had waited months for me and passed up opportunities for me here and when he was traveling in europe. When he was in europe he'd email me nightly and sent me his inteniary. That thanksgiving weekend I had taken some lingerie photos for him, he didn't ask for them but I had wanted to send him some and he was like, ha what a lie! so i sent him one for proof and he was still frigid. Jealous and angry I told him I had passed up opportunities for him too which was true and he said that he had all the time when I was 'leading him on'. He called me a cunt then blocked and deleted me from his messenger list. The complexity of emotions after that I felt the urge to go to his house and show him how much I loved him but of course that would've been crazy and hurtful if he'd pushed me away. I had a silly notion as well that he would be my first. Anyway, after grieving for about 2 weeks, having some intense dreams and coming to terms with things, I sent him an email explicating that i wished things hadn't ended so bitterly after 5 months of getting to know him so intimately. I told him the truth because I wanted a relationship free of lies or secrets. I told him that I had learned from my mistakes and experiences with him which I have. In a way, this experience has made me more open and more free, silly as it sounds. It also matured me. I also said in the letter that I was doubtful he had really cheated and might have said that out of his frustrations with me. I was confused with him being angry and blocking/deleting me after he said HE had screwed a girl. Anyway, I received no response to that letter but a week later he unblocked me so I do not know if that means anything. I do still care about him though and I feel sad that I will never know what could've been with him as I am sure I would have made him very happy but having him in my life even as a friend, since we had connected so well intellectually, spiritually, physically, and emotionally before I told him the truth. What could be going on in his mind now? Should I contact him again?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 November 2010):
 "Frank, I have something I need to talk about with you. When I posted my profile on the website I met you on, I had had a very awful situation with an internet 'stalker' and I was concerned for my safety. Now that you and I have got to know each other, and have become close, it's time to let you know a few things.
"I am the girl you know from the conversations and secrets and webcam and all that. What I am not is the girl in the picture, I used one that looked like me, but that picture isn't of me. It's a little embarassing and hard to tell you this, but my chest isn't as big as that girl's chest.
"I also am not located where I told you, again, I was trying to be safer online.
"I am sorry about these deceptions, I understand if you ar angry or upset with me, I just hope you understand that it wasn't through a desire to deceive you that I did this, it was through a sense of self-preservation.
"I'll give you some time to recover from this revelation of mine, here's a picture of the real me for you to look at while you process this."
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A couple of red flags in this for me. One, you put up a false picture of yourself, so the guy has formed an image of you which is not reality. This may or may not be something he can get over.
The bigger red flag, though, for me, is the declarations of love and the planning for the future with a guy you have NEVER MET. This is fantasy thinking and you are setting yourself up for some severe let-downs. What if you AREN'T compatible in person? There is a HUGE difference between being compatible and enjoying each other online and actually BEING with a person. I'd say you both need to dial the intensity back a notch anyway, and your revelation about your appearance may be enough to get things back on a more reasonable timetable. I know people can develop strong feelings for people they have never actually met, but this isn't really something you can build a future on until you see if you are actually able to translate that compatibility to real life. You've done a lot of the work but declarations of love and planning weddings is way out ahead of where you actually are, okay? Reality check time.
You've created a situation that will reset the entire relationship and I'm afraid waiting longer will just compound the situation. I'm not saying you give him all your data right now, let him process the real you vs the fantasy you (of the appearance) and then if he can adjust, then you can make plans to meet up. But you MUST bring a friend and you MUST take care to be safe, do it in public and tell other people where you are.
I'm telling you all this not having any online dating experience but I do have LDR experience, the difference there is that we actually saw each other, often, and had known each other for 2 years before we started dating. I'm just going at this from the common sense angle.
You're going to have to tell him sometime, you might as well get it over with. Yes, you are destroying a fantasy, but do you want to live in the fantasy, or in real life? That's the fundamental question for you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, whatthehell  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 hey. I have tried dating sites before and well, there are a lot of people who don't use their own pictures too, that's why I can't blame you. Besides, sometimes, you don't just want to risk your privacy.
You know, I think you should stop being afraid. take the plunge, girl. You can do that! What you are doing is escaping. You can't escape the problem. You will just make it harder for both of you if you go on another month or so.
Okay. do you call each other on the phone? If you do talk to him about it. If not, take a video of yourself and send it to him. I think, this way, he can see how truly sorry you are. For me, just sending a message is not an option because you don't want to seem insincere. You don't want to lose him, right?
How many pictures did you show, I wonder? If this guy is head over heels for you, perhaps he would be able to accept the fact about privacy issues because he still wants you in his life. It would be quite difficult for him to accept and deal with the fact that you didn't trust him enough, though. So, I guess, while you are chatting. You say that you love him and care for him. Tell him about the dreams you share and how important you are to him. Assure him that those are real and that he is the man that you love. then, apologize. tell him you're sorry because there are things you didn't say to him because of privacy issues and that you couldn't bring it up because you didn't know how to tell him. Then, you ask him to watch the video or listen to a recorded confession. Just be truthful. Be honest of what happened. A lie can't be covered with another lie.
I wish you luck. Girl, don't postpone it. You have to do it ASAP!
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