A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, I'm so confused and I need an honest opinion....I was with my ex for 3 and a half years...before that we were best friends for 6 years so in total, we've been close for 9 almost 10 years...recently (about a month ago) he dumped me saying that the "pain of the bad things in our past" are haunting him and he needs to be single and experience single life so that "MAYBE in the future we can be together with a fresh, clean slate"..now of course..i love him deeply, and i am a firm believer in the saying "if you set someone free, let them go and if they come back it was meant to be" and so when he said this..even though it hurt i would be willing to give him his space..but the issue is this..this wouldn't be the first time he broke up with me to live the "single life" last time was last year around the same time and in fact he came back to me with full force..everything was like a dream..i played a little hard-to-get and i had him chase after me..and although it seems mean, i truly did it to make sure he wasn't just going to give up again...i wanted to make sure he really wanted to be with me..he even wrote me a notebook's worth letter saying all the things he "realized" during our break up time and what he wanted to do for me and in fact he did it! the duration of the school year and summer vacation was seriously a perfect dream! this time..i honestly didn't expect the break up and we seemed to be happier than ever..we did have a very bumpy first year of our relationship but we always (and i emphasize on the always)made it through and were always happy....people referred to us as the "perfect couple", "high school sweethearts" that they expected to get married first, "perfect for each other", "good for each other"..and we truly connected on every level...emotionally, mentally, physically, anything i wasn't, he was, and vice versa, we just filled each other's voids and it was perfect...i've heard the age old "you guys are young! you'll move on and be fine" and "you don't know what love is, you're too young to understand"..and yes, we may be young..but i believe love knows no age and we definately had it...as of the break up, he calls me his "best friend" and has confessed that it would "kill" him if he ever lost me completely from his life and it would also kill him if i were to start dating other guys...also he has told me he misses me but "this is how it has to be" otherwise he feels that he'll just keep going through this cycle...and i respect that..its just making me feel like...we have no chance of being together...i know he said "maybe one day" but i feel like he's just letting me down easy...even though he has told me he still loves and cares for me...he's convinced himself that there's no other way to make us work without doing this and that he has to give us up...[something you must know...we have talked about marriage and moving in together many many times and HE initiated it..so you know he was serious about me]...how do i show him that we can work through it together like we always have?..also do you guys think we have a chance to finally be together???(i know this is long and i'm sorry but i really dont know what to do now and i just want some advice or thoughts)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much clariss...i'm trying my best to just live my life..i guess i know that i'm one of those people that like to have some sort of assurance even when i know there's no such thing since no one knows the future even the people involved..
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): Hi
Hey, I am going to give you an advice that is as old as us agony aunts. Do you believe in life and destiny? Do you trust in the power of time and that eternal force that runs us all... the force that connects the leaves to a tree? The force that brings two people together? Trust in that force.. and for now, let time do its thing.
Like a little caterpillar that goes in the cocoon or any other natural act of nature... just leave it be.
Things do not have to turn out for the worst. Just live your life and see where that takes you. As for the little falling out bit, don't worry, it is hardly a damaging fight. And, I am so proud that you did not yield and you stuck your ground.
Just let time do its thing and trust in destiny. Meanwhile, let him go. Often in life love is not enough and it is a long long long long life, you never know what lies in store.
Every end is a new beginning and you never know where this journey will take you! As for the pain, of course, it is going to hurt, but just live with it for now.
There is little for you to do. Just go with life. And trust, and live your life too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi clariss, sorry i haven't replied in a while..so much has happened....i went home for the weekend due to the flu..and he came to visit me...caught up on things..laughed and had a great time talking..but then things began to get physical and we stopped it BECAUSE we are no longer together..but this physical attraction along with the emotional attraction we already have together is making things so confusing..almost like...why..if you're feeling all these things for me...are you doing this? even though i understood that he feels that this is for the best...so i asked him the other day..and he said "honestly..i made this decision and i have to do this..if we are meant to be together..i want us to be happy completely..i dont want to have this feeling of wanting to be 'single' anymore..." and so again i stepped back and just let the days roll on by as his "best friend" but just as expected..being "friends" is a whole new level of difficult and painful..so tonight we have a falling out...and now we're no longer on speaking terms...he says he still thinks of me as a special person and its going to hurt him that we're no longer talking but he said he thinks it'll make it easier on me to move on...but i cant help..(you're going to think i'm coo coo) but i cant help thinking that because of this time apart (for real) it will finally give him the chance to see what its like without me..and maybe he'll finally realize what i've been seeing for himself...but also i worry because well...we ended it on a bad note...i'm truly beyond confused now...and i'm such an emotional mess...2 months after the break up and i'm worse! i honestly feel pathetic...but i KNOW in my heart that we're supposed to be together....i know i sound crazy i truly do..but its something i know
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Hi
And one more thing... maybe all the talk about your being the perfect couple is adding to his dissatisfaction... I mean, no man wants to be forever seen as this amazing hero and quite frankly, when everyone has taken it for granted that the tow of you will get married, this simple realization might also be adding to his desire to get away (even if he has discussed marriage with you, no one likes to know that that is all)!! SO, let him know that you have not taken all the gossip about your being the perfect couple too seriously and that you are okay with living in the moment and don't really expect a ring after the end of the rainbow. (Ok, so I know that you do, but the only way to get a man to do that is to show him that you couldn't care less whether that happens or not!!!). And, quite frankly, long relationships tend to be reliable (and often border on boring). I think that you should show him a new side of yourself... such as you can learn a new skill that you have always wanted, or you can take up a new challenge... don't let him think that that is all there is to you... To keep him interested, you will have to be interesting... and I don't recommend being a whole new person, but keep evolving and changing.
If he insists on leaving, there's little you can do, except to ensure that when he does get back you have evolved into this absolutely irresistible woman... one that he's got to have!!! (Him not being around to see you evolve will add to the impact)!!!
So, don't worry, as long as there's love, he will come back to you...especially if he loves you!!!
(Of course, keeping a man interested is very hard work, as I have discovered in the past one year)!!! So, don't worry, it will all work out for the best!!!
Love :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Hi
Okay, him not wanting to date other women definitely makes this thing a little, well, unusual!
Is your relationship too tight? As in, do you guys do everything together? In that case, maybe it would be better to go different routes occasionally. Or, maybe, you think that you are still and always an individual, no matter how loving the man, but perhaps he doesn't think so! Have you guys talked about this? I mean, how about letting him know that you are perfectly fine with him going out and doing his own thing once in a while? That you won't have to be involved in everything that he does!!!
I mean, there is nothing wrong with wanting the best of both worlds... we all want that, right? I am in a relationship myself and I feel that I get to do everything that I want (including hanging out with other men), except for dating others. So, now, I don't get that if your man doesn't want to date other women then why does he want to go single? Is there any reason for him to believe that being in a relationship means that he loses his space and his individuality? I think that the two of you need to have a very open and detailed talk on this issue. Why does he need to have to go single in order to pursue his interests and live? I mean, hey, my man does all that he wants (including going out on long holidays) without wanting to break up with me! Forgive me, but I am having slight trouble relating to his need to being single, if he doesn't want to date other women!
Also, I think that this time you need to set terms with him, such as, will he call you or will you guys ever hang out together, he cannot just get out of your life.
But, first, let him know that he can do all that he wants to do without being single, and that you'd be ok with it. I mean, if he can have the best of both worlds while being with you, then why would he feel the need to break up in order to pursue his interests and then go all out to woe you back??? Just talk,ok!!
Best of Luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for your advice Clariss,
Everything you said makes sense and i totally agree, but i really think it's work putting effort into..and if he were to come back to me, i would take him back, because i had left something out...he had told me specifically that he doesn't want to date other girls, when he said he wants to be single, he said he wants to grow as an individual, i always thought that we were still individuals just we were in a relationship..but i guess there are things he wants to do that he can't do while in a serious relationship..but since he said he doesn't want to date other girls, i don't know what that could be...that's why i've gotten so confused..almost like he wants the best of both worlds.."freedom" of being single, yet have me as his "best friend"...i don't know how to make it so that he'll realize what he's missing and finally just be with me (he says he loves, cares, and misses me!) and just be happy..right now, i'm just living my life..no matter the stresses, there are things that have to be done and i know that, school, friends and family are high on my priority list right now..but this situation is definately making it hard..
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): Hi
I like your levelheadedness. You are a sensible girl and at your age, that is refreshing! Ok, so it was perfect and you want to work through it. That is very understandable. But, honey, it seems to me that the man you have fallen for isn't exactly quite there. If it was equally perfect for him, he wouldn't want to go. Period. He comes back, but only after making sure that nothing better than you is out there. And to make sure you stay, he underlines the fact that you are his best friend and that it would 'kill' him if you dated other men. Well, what a selfish man! Typical of many from his generation (and sadly, many above his generation). I'm not saying that he doesn't love you, but at such a young age, he might have these feelings of going out and exploring the world, as he sees many of his friends do! And, perhaps he thinks that he is missing out on a lot of experiences by being with you!
Well, now, that is all fine, but do you really want to his long suffering girlfriend who waits for her man, no matter what? Come on! And, even if you believe in this romance and this love, well what is the point of wanting something that just might not happen?
And, even if there is a fair shot of the two of you getting together, this is not the time! I think that this time you should take your boyfriend very seriously and let him go! And, then you too go out and date men! (Yes, I can imagine how tough that is going to be). At least live your life to the hilt. Study, get a career, go out with friends, party etc. And the next time he comes groveling, asking to be taken back, don't. Period. How many times will he put you through this experience? And, yes, you were right in playing hard to get the last time.
Love is great, but you have some self-respect and he must understand just what life feels without you. In his head, you are the woman who is always there. Well, this time don;t be there, let him know what truly life would be without you! If he is serious then he will get the lesson and remember it, otherwise... well, we all have a great sad story in our lives! But, seriously, this time you too go out and explore the single life!
Best of Luck :)
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