A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am older than my husband. Every time me and my controlling abusive husband have an argument he will say no one else will have me as I am old ( early forties, which no one believes my age) and will use a load of vulgar language towards me. I have actually told him tonight as he is in custody if I am all these things then don't ring me again then. That's the right thing to say isn't it? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 Yes it's totally the right thing to say.
It's totally appropriate for you to leave him to rot in custody and it's totally ok for you to end the marriage and move on.
Being alone (which you won't be forever) is preferable to abuse.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2016): There's no point in overanalyzing other people's behavior, it drains energy. It is what it is. Turn the light towards yourself. Why do you stay in such a bad relationship? (or why have you stayed, if it is really over)It may sound crazy, but some part of you (an identity that you have created and that was useful loooong time ago) is getting something out of it. Which part of you is that? Do you really need this in your life? If you think that you do, why do you think that? etc.Ask yourself as many questions as you can think of. The answer is within you.In thsi free society of ours (np forced marriages etc.), such as it is, other people in our lives (especiallyu the partners) reflect one part of us. Pure and simple.So it is not important what HE THINKS about yourself. It is impoirtant what YOU THINK.Make a decision before he rings you (or not). It is you who decides. Do not hand him the power over your life.Do you want to be with him?
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (10 February 2016):
 Your husband it mean and quite frankly an a***hole. Typical beat down language of an emotional abuser. He has you, so what does than say about him then? Sound like you would be better matched to someone closer in age instead of having to listen to his childish carry on.
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A
female
reader, lovebug123123  +, writes (10 February 2016):
This sounds like a poor excuse for a man. Kick him to the curb, you deserve someone better.
I agree with above posts, divorce sounds like the right plan because he sounds like a bad egg.
Confide in a close family member or friend and let them know what is going on. His behaviour is not acceoptable and you could get hurt if he hits you or something etc. Once you have support around you, you know if things get really bad you can leave straight away, arrange somewhere to stay etc.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (10 February 2016):
 Yes, telling him to not ring you again was the correct thing to say.
You could also investigate if there is someway to have the prison block him from calling your number.
I would also instigate divorce proceedings as soon as you can, preferably while he is still incarcerated.
You don't have to accept his abuse, which is a form of control, he is trying to make you believe HE is the only person who would have you, to stop you being your own person and calling him for what he is. Don't let him try and control you from prison .... take the chance his being locked up has given you and rid yourself of him for good!
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, dean93  +, writes (10 February 2016):
Yes I think this is the right thing to say. Him saying all these only tells you he is insecure about himself and has to put you down so he can feel good. I don't think it is a mature way of handling an argument either. He has nothing else to say but to make you feel bad about your age. I had an ex who used to put me down all the time, and it affected my self esteem a lot and it turned out he was the one with the inferiority complex the whole time. This is not what partners do to their loved ones. They encourage and support each other, not put them down. Furthermore, many people still find partners in their 40s. It is not uncommon at all. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect, is mature, and makes you feel good about yourself. Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (10 February 2016):
 It sounds like your husband likes to fight dirty. And when arguments turn to a personal level, such as yours, they are rarely healthy and are usually a sign of a poor relationship. It is also a sign of lack of respect. I wonder under what circumstances does he stoop to this level?
First off, what he is saying isn't true. Tons of women in their 40's manage to find love and companionship. Take a look at the dating sites and you'll soon realize how many 40+ men are looking for similar aged women.
Secondly, he is taking a dig at himself -- after all if you are so undesirable, why is he with you?
I suspect there are far larger problems in your relationship other than the personal digs. I would highly suggest seeking some sort of help -- either for yourself or as a couple so that you can dissect the heart of the matter. Hopefully, you'll learn some tools to help you deal with the situation or find the support to make a graceful exit.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 February 2016):
 If he's in custody because he abused you, he shouldn't be your husband anymore. Divorce him and arrange separate living arrangements. He will just get angrier once he's out of prison. He's not demeaning you because he's telling the truth. He's just worried that you would be divorcing him anyway so in a desperate attempt, he puts you down hoping that you would stay with him since no one wants you.
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