A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This isnt what some would call a relationship question,but it does have to do with the parent/child relationship beetween my son and myself.I have been a single mom for around 4 years now.I have a daughter age 6,and my son is 8 years old.He doesnt have his father in his life and I dont know if that is part of the problem here,but that can not be changed.His sister is very well behaved,he is the only one that has ever given me problems and it seems to get worse as he gets older.He is out of control at home.He does not listen to anything that he is asked to do,and will yell,throw things,name call,etc.He picks on his sister constantly,and she spends much of her time crying when he is in the same room as her.Our happy home is often disrupted,and entire days are ruined on weekends because we can not spend time together without fighting.Lately his language has been getting bad.He will say things that are rude and direspectful,and his sister is picking up on it.I feel scared of ever dating anybody seriously,because I fear that nobody would be able to deal with my sons actions.I have no real social life,because I have devoted much of my spare time to my kids for years,and yet I feel that I am failing where my son is concerned.I dont know what to do with him,and a lot of times I let my frustration get the best of me and I yell back.I am normally a very quiet and easy going person,but my frustration with him grows worse each and every day.I probably need advice both on getting him to listen,and controlling the way I handle it when he acts this way.Usually the conversation that comes of this will be something like "I would listen if you wouldnt always yell at me".And my response is "I wouldnt yell at you if youd listen without being yelled at".This comes up a lot,and I dont know if its me,or him,or if its a mixture of both of us.In school his behavior isnt any worse than most other children.Sometimes he will get checkmarks for talking in class,or running.But nothing more serious than that.It seems that the main problem is his behaviour at home.I get stressed out and depressed over it,and dont feel like doing anything but sleeping because it is the only time that I can find peace.Please,no snide remarks,as I am doing the best that I can,and am seeking advice on how to fix things before they become worse and can not be fixed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2009): Watch Super Nanny if you can (Friday nights on ABC) or go to supernanny.com. She's awesome.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2009): I understand you are doing the best you can. But perhaps you need to change tact. Because you normal methods are not working.By getting frustrated and yelling you are giving him power. And he knows it. He knows all he has to do is keep pushing and you will break long before he does.The key is to remember, as the adult, you are stonger and faster and can do far more damage to him than he can ever do to you. As long as he fears and respects this, he'll stay in line for the most part.I'm not saying hurt the kid. But a solid whack on the butt (make sure you make contact with skin and he needs to feel it) as a last resort never hurt anyone.But remember, never give in. Reward him ONLY when he does something nice or follows your orders, or make a valiant attempt even if he is unable to complete his task due to some other outside force (school, bedtime, lack of knowledge etc). You must also remember to punish. Never, ever threaten to punish and then not follow through. Your kid will leanr that you are weak if you don't follow through. So never make threats you are not willing to keep as these will be called instantly.You have let him at this point have the power to get under your skin, when that power should lie with you. It is your job now to wrest that power from him and NEVER let him have it back until he builds it himself later in life.You can't be too strict either or he will go out of his way again to annoy you simply becaue it does annoy you. He has to WANT to do things for you. He needs to understand when things are wrong and when they are right.So a little leeway, but know when to reign him back in if he get carried away or gets out of line (and kids do act like that a lot).How to do these things, is no sure thing. Its a lot of trial and error to find what works for you and your kids.Don't give up and don't let them get to you. You are here to be a parent and not a friend. That means occasionally being the bad guy whe needed, but never losing your heart.Flynn 24
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