A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife is 42 years old. Her sister is 43 years old. For reasons we don't understand, my sister-in-law hates my wife. I understand that they fought when they were little and throughout high school, but no singular event occurred my wife can point to. It's not like my wife stole her boyfriend or humiliated her in public or something. In fact, it's my wife who has always wanted to be the "closer" sister and her sister is the one that constantly pulls away. My wife says when they were in high school (when her sister had her license and my wife not yet) her sister would give rides home to her friends and make my wife walk home. Anyway, their relationship spills over into our marriage. My wife alternately talks about how much she hates her sister and also about how isolated from the family and alone she feels. (My wife's family all lives on the East coast of the US, except her sister who lives 30 miles from us here in California.) We rarely see her sister and when we do the visits are short. She won't invite us over and if we invite her over she is usually over just long enough to eat. (My wife is an excellent chef.) That hasn't been lost on us. My wife talks about this with her parents (in their 70's) and they agree that there is bad blood, but they don't know (or won't admit) why. They aren't terribly helpful and are upset the sisters do not get along when they are not in denial about it. My wife feels like she will have to take care of her parents when they age, because her sister doesn't really seem to care. In fact, her sister told us: "I don't really need to be around family like you do. I will move wherever I want to be and be happy." My wife's mom is developing a lot of health problems (sadly, some of them mental) and her sister doesn't want to hear of it because it is unpleasant to hear and she thinks it's dramatic. This places a tremendous burden on my wife. I want to support my wife in her desire to make amends with her sister. However, it is difficult to make amends when it is not clear what the issue is. I have tried to play mediator in order to find out, but without success. My wife (and her mom) are willing to go to therapy with my sis-in-law to try to get to the root of the problem, but my sis-in-law says nothing is wrong and it is just a personality issue so she is not willing. Sorry for the novel here. I realize this is not uncommon. My brother and I don't always get along. My dad hasn't seen my aunts in two decades. However, it hurts my wife terribly that a member of her family wants nothing to do with her and it upsets her even more that she doesn't even know why that is. Tonight we talked about it with her mom (visiting from back East) and her mom just got upset that her kids don't get along saying: "We just have to accept her as she is and love her anyway." These sorts of platitudes do not make my wife happy. In fact, they make her more upset and she sees this as ignoring the issue. I am of course biased in favor of my wife, but I don't know any friends or relatives (on my side or my wife's) who don't wonder what the hell my sister-in-law's problem is with my wife and the rest of the family. I have told my wife to just move on and let her be, but that just makes my wife feel so lonely and unloved. She is just dying to have a good relationship with her sister and for her sister to get along with her mom as well as one big happy family and it boils her blood that her sister often treats them both as worse than acquaintances without explanation. I would appreciate some advice as I am stuck in the middle of this.
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female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (14 April 2013):
In most families there are clashes of personalities between brothers and sisters and the parents dont even the the reason WHY.I suppose it what we call life.However this is very difficult for you to be stuck in the middle and hard to handle. While your wife wants a relationship with those mentioned ther is no point at all if they dont want the same.In a gentle but firm way point this out to your wife and hopefully with time she will see this . In the meantime take a step back and dont be drawn into any chat about the said family. Best Wishes Nora B.
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