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male
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anonymous
writes: I am a married man of 6 years and have known my wife for 8 years.I love hear from the bottom of my heart, the problem is we have never spoken about our previous sexual relationships up until recently, when my wife made a comment saying that she was sure that I have had more sexual partners than here.Since that moment I cannot stop thing about my wife and her previous relationships, it is now driving a wedge between us. The only comment she has made to me is that she has not had a chequered past, from this i take it that she has not had many partners. I just cannot get my wife past out of my mind and it is driving me crazy, can any one help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): I had the same problem with my wife (ex now), it was so painful that I sought medical help just to cope with my pain.
I came to conclusion, either I continue with anti-depressents and seeing my doctor every month, or just walk away with what's left of my sanity and self-esteem.
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reader, Thorn_apart  +, writes (28 December 2010):
I am there too. I've been married for 10 years to a great girl. We have 4 children. When we were dating, she told me she was raped by a university classmate. Afterwards, she went into a relationship with a rock guitarrist, who had like two divorces and was living tnx to his mother, who paid his bills. She'd been with him for three years. She hesitantly told me that she never loved him and she went into a relationship with this guy just because she needed a friend.
So I married her, in love and thinking that I was being "the good guy". Later I learned that "good guys" get the girl... after a few bad ones had her first.
When our twins were ca. 1 year old, she confessed me that the "three times she had sex" whith her rapist... THREE TIMES! She went to his apartment and did it with him. Then she told me that she liked the guys she's been with. And the reason that she didn't have sex with her last boyfrend (another one after the rock guy), was because she didn't have enough intimacy with him. So she just needed intimacy and the thing would start. When I asked her why she would go with these guys, she answered "you cannot despice anyone".
I felt raped, used and cheated. That was like nine years ago. Sex used to be good. Now we go intimate like twice a month, which is not enough for me. When I asked something more than just regular sex, eg. blowjobs, she answered me that it made her ashamed. So, it's ok to do it with her previous bf, but not with her husband. Years ago, she asked me to go to a motel. THAT really ashamed me. Going to a motel like going with a whore? Not my idea of intimacy. And she wasn't ashamed of that. She even told me that going to a motel to her was like going to the supermarket.
To all the benevolent women in this forum, no, I didn't do it with any other before. I married her a virgin when I was 27. In all these years, I never kissed, groped or fucked any other woman. Still, when I come back from a travel, she asks me questions like trying to find out if I've been unfaithful to her. I answered back to her once: I'm not the one under suspicious, but you. I am not the one who's used to go with anyother just because "you cannot despice other people". She acts like hurt when I tell her so.
She could be a good friend. She's a good mother. I didn't divorce her before just because of the children. In catholic faith, I could even call this null marriage, because she lied to me in order to get married to me.
My conclusion is that life is not made of deservations (if such a word exists). I don't feel like deserving this. I always thought of marrying a virgin, with my same views on sex and religion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2009): Dear anonymous,
Love has to be based on honesty -so you have to tell your wife what is troubling you. It is usually best to get these things out of the way when your dating or engaged. However in this case you will just have to sit down with your wife and tell her how you feel. However once you find out about her past this may lead to you wanting to know more and more....which may become unhealthy for the relationship if its too much. Both of you should talk about your pasts accept it, get over it and move on. But make sure you remember its in the past it doesnt matter anymore and there's so much more to look forward to in the future and keep whats in the past behind you! All the best
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2009): To eonporter, The poster does not have OCD and I doubt you are qualified to make that diagnosis. The visual aspects of a man's (men in general) psyche will often lead to this type of reaction. This phenomenon has been genetically selected for for tens of thousands of years. Virginity was not necessarily always religiously or morally founded. The woman with little or no experience was prized for her health and the greater chance that offspring would be the spouse's. I read a lot of "forgive and forget" advice or "who are you to judge her" commentary, but there is an innate (not intentionally sexist) predisposition to these attitudes in the male of the species. You may as well try to train them to dislike rough and tumble games and sports. The irony is that if the more liberal posters here, the ones with experienced wives, were totally honest...most would still pick the same lady but would have preferred her to be innocent. They that deny this are lying to themselves. Virtually no male relishes the thought of his current love or wife having her body wrapped around numerous men. Sadly the sexual revolution has produced many casualties: the women that thought it would actually be liberating (only men were liberated to have more women than ever) and the men with character (the minority that believe sex and love are closely linked) suffer because their spouses were too stupid to maintain the standards that were commonplace just a generation or two ago. Those standards help saved people from carrying the tons of sexual baggage that is a burden to so many in the present. If you are not bound by children, get out! Find a lady with values and less of a past.
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reader, eonporter  +, writes (23 March 2009):
And also, this is not easy to hear, but I have to warn you. It's very likely that you have some degree of obcessive-compulsive disorder. I've been to several doctors and all gave me the same diagnosis, and my symptoms are EXACTLY like yours. Treatment consists of psychotherapy and mild anti-depressants, basically. Go look after treatment, you probably need help.
I am so sorry for both of us, wish I was a normal person to love my wife as she deserves.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): Hi,
I can relate to what you said, somewhat. You might feel i am crazy, but I cant even imagine my wife hugging any guy. She NEVER had sex with anyone, but had a boyfriend for 4 months. She casually mentioned that she hugged him and I ot terrified and puked when that thought cam to my head. I can imagine how it would feel when u think about her having sex. I cant find a solution to this. Lets live with it.
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reader, eonporter +, writes (15 October 2008):
I feel sorry for you, I suffer from this same problem. The most useful advice I have ever heard on this subject is that you should care VERY much about your own self-esteem and try to focus less on your wife in general, not only on her past.
In general, put more focus on you and try to make your day better. Every day. Love more yourself than anyone else in the world, and you will feel better, trust me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2008): I'm haunted too. My b/f of 10 years has lied to me about his past relationships, particularly one which was with a woman I know, liked and admired. I suspected all along that there was something between them at one point, and I've asked him several times during our relationship, but he always denied ever being intimate with her. Then one night, he confessed that he cheated on his previous fiancee with that woman 3 times. Furthermore, during our years together, prior to this confession, he had the nerve to bring me to gatherings where she was in attendance. Who knows what little games they played behind my back. I feel so foolish to this day, thinking they had this dirty little secret all along, and what a fool I looked like. Who knows how many other people at the events knew about them. Anyway, the person I feel very sorry for is his ex-fiancee. To this day, she still doesn't know. He broke up with her and a lot of that had to do with his guilt. He says he was young and a bit messed up because his relationship with his fiancee wasn't good. (Huh, wonder why)I'm still with him, but ruminating every day about it. I visualize them having sex and it just kills me. He says he feels terrible about lying and didn't realize how it would affect me. Duh! He says he felt he was protecting me...yeah right...by having us all together at gatherings. I have my work cut out for me, if I want to continue in this relationship. My fear is that he'll do it again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2008): First of all, relax. You're both adults with a past, with baggage. There is nothing wrong with that, it just means you've been alive all this time. She's with you now, that's all that matters. Let her past alone. You can't change it. If you can't leave her past alone, you'll have ot leave her or you'll end up causing a break up. What do you want? Do you want to lose her? If so, keep focusing on her past. do you want to be happy with her? If so, accept her past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2008): How many of you guys wrote your comments during the middle of the night? I too have something similar. I was a minister. got saved young and waited for my wife. i was 27 when we got married. I met and married a beautiful young woman who had a son from a previous guy (selfish male whore, really). She wooed me and encouraged me. I really thought she would be a great pastor's wife. i was wrong. She quickly proved to lack any amount of grace for simple folk (and some people who really were cruel). I felt very good as a man while we were courting. Guys like that - to be encouraged and supported. But when we got married... oh boy. The encouragement stopped. I adopted her son, and she has criticized me for ANYTHING and everything ever since. She just lost her mind. She was mean to everyone... had a negative outlook on life, made comments about drowning the kids in the tub. i took her in to the hospital and we had counseling for a while then too. She does not know this, but the counselor told me that she was messed up and I'll be damned if I do and damned if i don't and that I should just do whatever to make myself happy. He didn't think she was worth sticking with and he commended me for my commitment. It has been 6 long, hard years. I love my wife. I suppose at times I feel self-pity... other times I have concern for our kids (one biologically mine and then the adopted), and I just could not ever come to leaving her. She minimizes my contibution to the marriage and to our family. the only passion I get from her is anger. She might have sex with me once a month (if that often). She sometimes searches for old flames on the internet. she says that she is trying to find one of them so that she could apologize to him, but she searches the other ones out just because she wants to know what's happening with them. I have had a clean past, yet some girls from college have sent me christmas cards (from TOTALLY out of the blue and unexpected) and she asks ME why they have sent me cards (like I am supposed to know?). She tells me that she can't trust me to do anything, yet lives under my blessing. She is OCD and has crazy outbursts of anger with the kids over stupid stuff. She has a very adolescent emotional self. she yells and screams at me, and I just remain silent. All i get out of it is "I hate you, i don't trust you, I can never count on you, i never should have married you, don't leave me." is that messed up or what? i should have been smart, because conventional wisdom says that she would have been screwed up because her family is screwed up, right?. But my family is nothing worth bragging about and I have worked hard to shed those generational sins. so I don't want to be judged as a waste because my family may be seen as a waste to many. She was ready to make a clean break and start a new legacy. We have common dreams and goals, and sometimes she can be that woman i had always dreamt of. I tell her that i love her and compliment her everyday of so much. She doesn't usually even have anything nice to say about me. i for one, believe that the past must be rectified and be revealed so that trust and intimacy can ensue. This is something we are tought in counseling classes, and this is what counselors do when you go to therapy - they get your past and try to help us while we come to resolution. I have sought out from her information about her past, because she was not always honest in counseling. At times she has been open with me, other times hesitant. When I begin to address her about her past (because our past does shape us), and share how it is affecting us she gets resentful and defensive about anything I try to say in the even the gentlest way. her bitterness and anger have taken root and are choking out the good. I have a big ego, and at times she just stomps on it. She won't make love to me, and tells me that she is not attracted to me because of the way i act or because i am not doing enough or not doing anything right. bottom line, a pastor/counselor/whatever cannot be therapist for his own wife, but my commitment remains. So we are at an impasse. sometimes I have some thoughts in my head about some guy using her in the past. I have had nightmares about her with someone else. I wake up feeling resentment, but put it away quickly without saying anything. She should feel security with me. i won't ever leave her. but she just fights me so much. It is early morning on valentine's. I had hoped we would be making love, but she has pushed me away again. she went and got into bed with our daughter. she thinks i should go play with rosie.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): An interesting trail and I can't help but sharing appreciation for crazyCat Ladys response.
I too have had this problem, I met my wife when I was 19 - i had limited experience and she was experienced. We are now both 37 and have kids but not a day goes by when I don't have insecure thoughts about my wifes past and her day to day thoughts. She is completely free spirited and I am not.
She is open and honest and whilst it helps it can heighten the insecurities in me
In one "frank" conversation we talk about our fantasies. One thing led to another another and my wife said she feels sorry for me for not having many sexual relationships and we continued the conversation whereby I ended up making a pretty dumb statement that "my experience is that surely sex is in the head" and that its all physically pretty much the same. I then get a quick response back saying that wrong everyone feels, smells and tastes different.
Now, I've always considered that I am a proud person - and this comment kind of kick started something in me to sort out that comment of pity. I made that choice and it seems that it is totally and utterly un-appreciated.
I run my own business, and once I have sorted out a few problems there (to pay the bills - its not my life commitment), I've got something on my mind that says the pity comment is next on the list to sort out...but its a worry as I know where this could end up?
Take care, try not to look to far back and follow your heart (but check with a trusted friend first).
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2007): first love is the way of the bible meaning a virgin would have been nice and that is what i was tought but that was 2000 thousand years ago. and that brings us to 2007 i also am a man and have and do suffer from this same problem the answer is not an easy one it depend on who and how your wife had sex. and under what conditions if she thouht she was in a commited relationship i might could understand and live with this if she was just out whoring around and giving here gift from god away to anyojne just to see how many times she could do it or just because she was bored and put no more thought in her own virginity and safty or the thought of the man that she would marry and have his children i donm't think forgives is going to be forthcoming and she probley will need a lot more than that anyway. Me and my wife of 30 yrs have children grandchildren and i have knowned some of the past details that has been the hardest part far me and the half truths and lies just seem to keep coming even after 30 yrs.there are no answers you either live with the hurt are leave. and say a lot of prayers to god and try to tell your wife you love her anyway the best you can good luck to all of us men in this situation. may god have mercy on me and you
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reader, Sirion  +, writes (25 October 2007):
I find myself in a similar position to many of the people here. I have been with my wife for 13 years, married for 7, and lost my virginity to her when we met, at the ripe old age of 23: we're both 36. Before I entered her life, she had been in one long term relationship, had no strings sex with ten guys, and made out with many times more. It has always been an issue for me, but has now become the biggest in our otherwise happy marriage, and is threatening to tear it apart.
We live in an age where having many casual sexual encounters is considered a normal part life, and objectively I can appreciate this, with no moral distinction between the sexes. However, on those rare social occasions, where the wine is flowing freely, tongues loosen, and the talk turns to sex, specifically the number of partners people have had, my answer is met with a wall of deafening silence. Eventually, someone (invariably a woman) mutters some platitude about it being romantic that I've only been with my wife, and the conversation moves on to something decidedly non sexual.
Without meaning to blow my trumpet too much, I'm a good looking guy, but one with a crippling fear of rejection, and almost pathological shyness, even when a woman shows overt signs of interest. I explain this, but am left feeling like a sideshow exhibit from a more puritanical age.
In the distant past, I've put my wife under the spotlight, and have tried to wring out of her, every detail about her previous lovers; where they met, who instigated, did she come etc. She has been as honest as she can be, but has rightly reserved some memories for herself, not because they are too painful, or shameful to recount, but because a: they are none of my damn business, and b: she is trying to protect me from myself. We have two young children, and the thought of ending the marriage over this is inconcievable.
My wife has the patience of a saint, and has even suggested that I have some discreet affairs, or one night stands, to get it out of my system. This is also not an option I am willing to consider. I've had many opportunities to stray, and have declined them all. When this happens, my moral side has a tickertape parade, but I feel a small part of me dies. I have considered suicide on many occaisions, and feel I am running out of time.
Incidentally, the only other person I know who is also struggling with this same issue is a woman; a close friend of my wife. She lost her virginity to her husband at a similar age to me. He had been with hundreds of women before her, and it is also threatening to wreak the happiness they have. I might add, that she isn't a hideous troll; far from it.
Please help
Dan
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2007): After reading many of these email it is obvious who is male and who is a female. Although the perspectives very greatly, many males have the same insecurities and these are unfortunately enhanced by some of their partners, women. From my perspective it has a lot to do with honesty, truthfulness, and although we, men, understand there was a life before us, the problem is sometimes the type of life. We hold women high in our lives and don't expect them to act like men...but sometimes they do.
This question just doesn't have a simple answer but has many simple and sometimes ugly solutions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2007): You should stop to thinking you wife past. Main thing is that is she honest with you. She looks like true and honest because she discussed with you everything. We are human being and have a chance to mistake. Young people have mistake so its not mean that they can not change. Let her time to change and give her security that she can rely on you instead of think for breakup or finish the relationship
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2007): As a therapist, I can tell you that the issue of ones pre-marriage sexual past is very real. The tact of not exploring in as much detail as your partner needs to the issue of your sexual past will often times lead to later resentment and mistrust. My seasoned advise is that couples should be forthright in detail their previous sexual experiences. Secrecy and half-truths will never lead to intimacy and trust. -not politically correct therapist
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reader, boobooboots +, writes (27 February 2007):
I think someone hit the nail on the head regarding the different groups.
For me, the important thing is not the 'number' but how they happened. I don't have a problem with the number of sexual partners my girlfriend has.
What i do have problems with is that she gave herself away so easily for one night stands. Different moral standards in a relationship has the potential to cause problems. Some people can get over it and not let it bother them... others can't and have to find someone that they are more comfortable with.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (27 February 2007):
 Plus, I have a very strong belief that all the male anon postings are actually you hunny!! Laern to write in different styles so you don't get caught out in future!!
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reader, willywombat +, writes (27 February 2007):
I have a problem with your 'its funny how all women say the' budzone. first, you cannot believe that view is universal of All women and if you do have that belief you are very naive. Two, if you wish to 'debate something' take it to the forums, and don't hyjack a legit thread to spout your sexist agenda.
You have tried this before honey, and it is wearing thin and getting a little (yawn) boring now.
Have a good life.
x
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reader, budzone  +, writes (27 February 2007):
I get on my high horse and I ride it proud, you can just keep walking lady. It's all about morality. Morality refers to the concept of human ETHICS!!! which pertains to matters of good and evil and is also referred to as "right or wrong" ....and is used within three contexts: #1 individual conscience. #2 Systems of principles and #3 judgments...sometimes called moral values ...shared within a cultural, religious, secular or philosophical community and codes of behavior. This means that there is a division between groups. I just happened to fall in love with someone from a different level or different group of beliefs, I'm not saying I'm right or I'm wrong because there is really no such thing. I'm just sharing my beliefs just as everyone else here. Don't take it personal. Just keep doing what you believe is right and follow your heart. Like they say listen your inner voice. The one we push aside when it tries to tell us what is best for us. Cheers!
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reader, willywombat +, writes (26 February 2007):
I think this topic has been over aired SO many times before and it always contains the same words and phrases. NOT all women are 'used' by men, they are (surprisingly) active participants in having sex!! Not sure if you understand this, but it it something that is a mutual thing!!
The very fcat that some men refer to women being used as a persons sex toy etc shows that that is how THEY view women. It says more about the insecurites of the men involved than the person they are judging!
Oh, and whilst a mans ego is important to a man, it is equally important to a woman. get off your gender high horse and try answering the question, not spouting a load of sexist nonsense.
To the question asker....Crazycatlady is pretty spot on. You are allowing yourself to be controlled by an off the cuff remark. We all make them. We all sit and obsess at times. The problem is your obsession is now driving a wedge into what was previously a very happy relationship. Please do not let this mess up your marriage. You cannot change the past but you can change your attitude and how you react to things.
FGS, she hasn't even done anything wrong except make a comment! Please do not let this destroy your relationship. If you cannot stop obsessing then i strongly suggest you seek counselling. You need to talk to somebody who will help put your fears and behaviours into the correct perspective and help you move on.
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reader, budzone +, writes (26 February 2007):
It's funny how all women say that. I have the same issue that many men have about the wife's past. I cannot stand the fact that she was someone else's sex toy and that she was used for one night stands by complete strangers from bars, parties or college guys. And as all men know, one night stands are strictly perversion and animal style sex usually mixed with alcohol or drugs. This is not the person I dreamed of having as a wife. I was brought up differently, even though my family had it's problems I was always taught to respect women and treat them like princesses. I guess it's the harsh reality that women are just like men if not worse. It's BS that the past is the past! the past molds you and shapes you into who you are now and the past carries into the now. If you know someone's past was abusing children but the person claims that the past is the past and he or she is not like that anymore, would you trust this person with your children? probably not, and same goes for our wives and sex with strangers, if they have done it before the chances are greater for them to do it again than women who have not done it at all! just like cigarettes or alcohol or any indulgences. Remember we are in a world of stimulation and we as humans need to be stimulated and we run or seek things or experiences that we are used to because human beings fear the unknown so they choose what they know. Anyways, I love my wife to death but her past haunts me. Call it whatever you want, insecurity, immaturity, whatever...I call it being a man and having an ego. A man's ego is very important to a man, and it's very few things that create a mans ego, such as occupation, material possessions, past accomplishments, locality, and most importantly their women and beliefs of what a woman should be. We have created the world for women, men have built structures, created roads, supermarkets, malls, fashion, music, movies, entertainment all in base of women. If you don't believe me and you're a man...let me ask you a question...if women never existed would you care about shaving or looking good for other men? would you wake up in the morning to go to work? why work if there are no women? I wouldn't need to buy things to impress anyone. I'm lazy, I rather just burp and fart and eat with my hands. I rest my case. I think Sigmund Freud was not too far off in his theory about how everything leads back to sex. After all that is the only reason we are here. Anyways to make a long story short. If you feel the way you feel it's because you have given your heart to your wife and that is the biggest thing a man can give a woman, so we feel cheated when we give out something so important to us while other men had her without attachments and no real sacrifice. I don't know about your mind but in my mind I get short circuited when I think about the love I feel for my wife and how great it is to love her and respect her and at the same time my mind tells me "you fool! wake up! this woman doesn't deserve your heart" so it's a constant battle in my mind. All I can say is that Love is a bitch but without it there would be no life. It's the universal balance and it sucks sometimes. So deal with it and try not to fight too much because life is too short to be dealing with BS. Anyways if you need some reading material I would highly recomend buying the book "Eye of the I" by David Hawkin. All pain and suffering starts with a thought and YOU choosing to entertain that thought. And remember this formula T=E=A=R in other words Thoughts lead to Emotions, Emotions lead to Action, when you take Action you will have a Reaction or Results. It is the way we are made and if it wasn't for this simple formula we wouldn't do shit. Anyways, I hope you guys win the battle that you are fighting in your own minds. As for me? I love my wife but I don't know how much longer she will put up with my attitude. Pride and Love don't mix. I will leave all the BS in gods hands because I don't know anything about anything and I just want to be happy. If we are meant to be with each other then so be it, if not then I will always love her no matter where she goes or who she is with because real love is eternal. Good luck guys.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2007): My wife has led a very checked past. She had sex from a very early age with many men, several times with total strangers, and has even experienced (once) sex with 2 men at the same time. When we dated, she told me all of this and I thought I could handle it, and have for many years. Recently, all of this stuff has come flooding back to my mind and has made me feel insecure. I know she loves me and I'm sure she has been faithful during our marriage, so I don't really know why this has all came back to me (my age, maybe - just crossed the 50's boundary). One of the things we've always done is talk, at night in bed, before going to sleep. She has very patiently answered any questions I've had about her previous life and has been as honest as she could be. One thing I'd never asked her until last night was if she had ever had an affair with a married man. She told me she had and started crying. She didn't want to tell me this because she knew that it would plant a seed of distrust, which I must admit it has done. Most of the affairs she has had in her life she initiated. She really likes sex and told me that in her younger years (before we were married) she really liked to have sex with men as often as she could. I know she is not cheating and hope she never will, but with this kind of past, it is starting to make me wonder, especially with the revelation of initiating the affair with a married man, even though it was years ago. sigh I hate feeling this way, but it sure is preying on my mind today...
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2006): I have been with my wife for 14 years, and they have been great years. I have known about her past in detail from the begining. We are human, and we are usualy looking for a mate when we are single. We all make human error. You and your wife included. My wife was made to feel realy low about herself because of her past. Men do not see things like wemon and we think that because they slept with someone else that they must have wanted it, but that is not always the case. Men are wolves, and they see a women who is down, they pounce on the chance to take advatage. This will most of the time make them feel even more destroyed. Young men want to deflower every girl they can as a teen, but think that they will marry a virgin, well it is because of people like this that young ladies lose respect for themselves. Do not let her past bother you, because it has probably almost killed her. Punks take advatage of young girls, and most young girls have been treated cheaply by these kind of guys all through there life. Dont be one of them, treat her like a princess, because she probably is. Most of these things may not have been her fault, she may have been an unwilling partisapant to some things so go gentle. Sometime we have to be ashamed of our manhood because of wolves like the ones that take advatage of wemon. Ask her man, I bet you she did not want to be with most of these guy's. She may need to feel like a princess, not relive the horror. After all you are not inosent yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2005): I have recently had the same problem. I love my wife more than words can describe. We have been married for 16 years. On the night before our wedding I found nude photos of her past lovers and it as bothered me since. She also has kept photos of her and old boyfriends in old albums. Just recently it has hit me hard, midlife crisis I guess. I just can't deal with the thought of her with other men. I have been waking up in cold sweats feeling betrayed. Of course she didn't betray me, but I feel that way. Fall out from the sexual revolution is what it is fella's. Ah you wanted the girls to give it up freely and now we can't deal with our cherished wife's past of doing exactly what we wanted from other women. I finally got her talking about it. We went through the old albums and removed the picture of past lovers. She's still hesitant to talk about it but the fact that she is sharing is helping me recover. What's done is done. So when you teach your children about sex, tell them that sex is for the married and end the cycle. Fornication hurts and that's why it is a sin in almost all cultures and religian. Our ancesters knew the negitive results well. It has so many negitive side effects that do damage to our lives forever. But don't hold it against your wife, she's just a victom of the sexual revolution as are you. But get her to talk about, but be gentle, kind and patient. And then move on, take her dancing and fire up the romance!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2005): I have a similar problem with my wife of 16 years. We had a whirlwind romance that was very short, and she was pregnant. During the "courtship" I asked about her recent dating, and the number of past partners. She answered readily, without any hesitation. She said she had taken a year off of men to "get her head on straight". SHe also said she had 3 past partnes. Next thing I know she has an STD. I asked her where she got it and she said from me. I said it wasn't from me, have you been with anyone lately. She replied, well there was that one guy, but that was a long time ago. I accepted this answer, and we moved on. Soon after we got married, I saw signs that she was more experienced than she said. She also made comments that would indicate lots of regrets about her choices in the past. These comments have been made throughout the marriage. I always re-assured her, and tried to let her know it was Ok. All the while, I knew she had lied. I didn't want to face it, and it bred mistrust. I recently couldn't handle the feelings of doubt and mistrust, and convinced her it was in our best interest to put everything on the table. She resisted and continued to be caught in lie after lie. I kept asking questions, hoping that she would be honest. I explained to her that honesty was what I cared about. Eventually, I discovered there is a possibility that our first child may not be mine. She had unprotected sex with a guy she had only known for few hours, about 2 weeks before me. So we are waiting for the results of the DNA test. I told her that I was ok with this, as long as I know she was unaware of the possibility. After some careful thought, I came to the conclusion she must have known, but she denies it. There is no way for me to know her true thoughts at the time, and have to go on faith to determine her integrity. I told her I would probably divorce her because I can not trust her. That her string of lies makes me feel betrayed and that I can not believe her when she says she didn't know. Now we are mortal enemies, and she is threatening divorce regardless of the tests outcome. For me, there are 2 issues here. My wifes past and the betrayal of repeated lies. I can deal with what she did before we were together, if I know what and who it is. You can not deal with unknowns. What she did before has some, but little bearing on us today (with the exception of the last encounter). What matters to me is that she lied then, and has continued to lie during the period of putting things on the table. This has a direct bearing on us today, and can ruin or marriage. She does not understand why her past matters today, and I said I don't know if it does matter, because I do not know what you did in the past. I told her that it must matter, because it motivates her to lie to me know. She says she was ashamed of her actions, and I can understand that, we all have shameful things in our past. I asked her if she had shame for lying to her husband today. She made no reply. She has refused to answer any more questions, citing that is it is none of my business. I said that is fine, but the mistrust I feel from the lies and secrets are damaging our marriage. I never pried into her past until recently, because I did feel she should have a certain level of privacy. Now that it has been determined she was lying, I feel she owes me answers to any questions I ask. At this point, I realize that I must concede my concerns and let her keep her secrets if I want to save our marriage. My emotional needs of trust and honesty are never going to be met, so I have to do something about it. I have decided to seek counseling to deal with the revealations, but primarily for the lies. I recommend to the poster of the original message to seek therapy for his wife's past experiences. I think he will find he can live with them. I will never feel the same way about my wife again, and I think that is very sad. Because I can not trust her, I can not love her like I did before. I told her this on numerous occasions, and although she said that she didn't want that, she continued to lie and manipulate the information she did provide.
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A
female
reader, CrazyCatLady +, writes (25 November 2005):
I can understand how you are bothered by imagining all the "sordid" details of your wife's past. I think all of us in relationships have felt that way at one point in time. We compare ourselves to the ex's, who are probably NOT nearly as perfect as we are imagining them to be. After all, she left them, and married you!! To let this insecurity and jealousy get in the way of the great relationship that the two of you have would be the biggest mistake you could make. In this day and age, it is somewhat rare for both people to be virgins when you get married. So, you both have had other sexual relationships, and you need to remind yourself that the past was the past, and that it would be ridiculous to hold that against her...when she was in another relationship, she wasn't with you, she likely didn't even KNOW you at the time! And you also have had sexual relationships in the past. Do they in any way diminish what you have with your wife? No, of course they don't...it's obvious that you really, really love her and are completely satisfied with her. Once you are with the love of your life, doesn't the past just kind of fade away? You know, rather than drive yourself crazy with thoughts of her with other men, perhaps you should take her comment as a compliment....she must think you are very skilled in the bedroom, and she might even feel insecure thinking that you have more experience than her! In fact, I would bet on it.So, why don't you take all this mental energy and focus it on making your sex life with your wife absolutely unforgettable...ask each other what fantasies you would most like to do, but have never done...and then do them! Then you will have something that the two of you have, a bond that you know neither of you has ever shared with anyone before. That will bring the two of you closer to each other, it will be a lot of FUN, you just can't lose!Don't you think those memories will be MUCH more enjoyable than torturing yourself about her past boyfriends! (That she has likely forgotten all about anyways!) I've been with my husband for 5 years, I too have had previous relationships, but honestly, I don't even remember the details, I am too focussed on the love and sex I have in my life right now! I hope this helped. :)
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