A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 39 years old. My wife is 41. We have been together for 19 years now. She has always been a little neurotic. For instance, we pretty much stopped kissing two or three years into the relationship because it just made her self-conscious and she felt it was unsanitary at some level. Not ideal, but I can live with that. I am not big into kissing myself. However, as she is getting older it is getting worse. She has more and more neuroses. She used to go to college on the West Coast of the US and fly back home to the East Coast of the US a few times each year alone. She even flew to France all alone one summer. Now, however, she is terrified of flying. She has to drink HEAVILY to even board a plane with me and won't even consider flying to see her mom alone (her mom lives a three hour plane flight away). We took a non-stop flight to Europe (11 hours) and she freaked out about being on the plane for so long that she said the only way she will do that again is if we lay over for a day or two halfway there. I find that an incredible waste of time. Why would I want to spend 4 days of my 14 day vacation on the East Coast when I could be in Europe? It's also a waste of money as the non-stop flights are often cheaper. I find it very irritating. We are scheduled to go to Sweden next summer and she is stressed about it and it gets me upset because the trip is supposed to be fun.Another example of an issue is when we went to Disneyland. When she was a younger woman she would ride the big, scary rollercoaster at the boardwalk with me. We recently went to Disneyland (hardly known for big, scary thrill rides) and she would go on only the most tame rides with me. She says that she injured her back and now she is worried about reinjuring it. She admits that she never used to be scared, but says it's a physical problem and not a mental one. The reality is that she did tweak her back about 10 years ago and she was in pain and even had some physical therapy for it. However, it's not like she had surgery on it or something. She does not have a "bad back" despite what she claims. No doctor has advised her that she should be careful or anything like that. She admits that she's just nervous about reinjuring it, which I can understand, but to me that is a mental problem and not a physical one. I ended up going on all the rides myself while she waited. I felt ridiculous on a ride seated next to two 7 year old girls while my wife waited at the exit. When I told her that none of the rides were all that violent (a big coaster, maybe I could understand) and that she should give it a go like she used to we had a big fight with her telling me that she has a real physical problem and it's not mental.The final example is our sex life. When my wife was a young woman she was very sexually aggressive and even a bit kinky. She would have orgasms and enjoy sex with me even the times I couldn't do that for her. Now she finds sex very difficult for her. She doesn't enjoy it. She feels self-conscious about her body, even though I think she is very sexy. She has gained some weight, but mostly in the right places. She will now only have sex with me in the dark and only while lying face down on the bed. She says she doesn't enjoy herself at all, it's awkward, and she would rather not do it, so I rarely attempt to initiate. We don't have kids because she hates children and her new neurosis has to do with loud noises. When she goes to bed (usually early) I cannot watch TV in the other room and I cannot do dishes or laundry either because the appliances make noise. I cannot do them during the early evening either, because that's when she cooks and the noise bothers her then, too. I would like to know when I can do it then. The neighbor has a dog that barks and she talks often about how she is going to report it to the City and how much she hates them and dogs. These are all new things or else existing issues that have gotten worse. When we bought this house 10 years ago she never minded that the dryer was running at night and now it's a huge issue we fight over when she forgets to take clothes out of the washer and then I cannot dry them and they smell like mold the next day. She took down all of the curtains in the house and taped paper to the windows because she is certain she is allergic to the dust on the curtains. She started sleeping with a humidifier on because of these allergies. She has never been allergic her entire life and when I told her that she said that she read that adults can develop new allergies. Sure. Why not? Now I have to live in a house without draperies because of allergies she diagnosed herself with. (A doctor did not diagnose her with this.)I feel like I am married to an old woman and not the vibrant, healthy 41 year old she is. She says she has a bad back and heart palpitations and is borderline diabetic, but when she has medical tests done they all say she is better than healthy. She has good genetics and exercises regularly. I think she is healthier than I am. I can't figure out what happened to the woman I married. She doesn't like to go dancing, she won't go to concerts, she doesn't like physical contact, and she hates movies (at the theater). She will go out to dinner or to the theater (stage). She will aoso go on long strolls with me through the public gardens, but otherwise she's a bit of a shut-in. I told her that I feel like I am married to a 71 year old, not a 41 year old and that if I was 68 and not 38 I would be thrilled with the relationship. However, I am still a young man for a while longer and I want to enjoy life. If I try to bring up that I think at least some of her issues are mental (in a delicate way) she either goes ballistic saying that she's not crazy or else attacks me and the things about me that annoy her. She is also fond of saying "Well, I am SO GLAD that you are PERFECT and have NO ISSUES." I love this woman and I want to get her help, but I am having trouble getting her to believe it's because I want to help her and not because I enjoy criticizing her. I want to help the relationship. How can I get her into therapy where she can hear someone else she respects tell her that while we all have our foibles hers are not typical, because - frankly - they are not? I know no one wants to hear that and she probably deep down knows she has issuesm but I need her to address them or I am not sure I can stay in this relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): Chocoholic has some excellent suggestions for dealing with your wife's neuroses, and I can't improve on them. But two of the things you mention may indeed have a physical basis. Our bodies change as we age, and not always in ways we expect. When I was younger, the sensations associated with roller coasters and other scary rides were exhilarating. Since I got into my mid-to-late thirties, though, the rides just make me sick to my stomach and dizzy. Your wife could be experiencing something similar--i.e., what was once pleasant is now unpleasant--and she may be using her "bad back" as an excuse. That doesn't mean that if she faces the truth about her back that she will enjoy the experience again, only that she might be honest about why she doesn't want to go on the rides.Also, it is possible to suddenly develop allergies as an adult. I developed a number of allergies in my early 40s, for no apparent reason. My allergist's theory is that the allergies could be related to falling progesterone levels. There is no scientific proof of this but it beats the "no idea why this is happening" explanation.I highly recommend that you get your wife to an allergist (or to another allergist if she's seen one already); look for one who has a holistic approach to allergies. A doctor can validate your wife's dust allergy (or not) and can provide suggestions for living with it that allow you to keep the curtains up.Of course it is entirely possible that both of these are related to your wife's other mental issues. Just wanted to point out that there might be a physical reason behind some of her actions.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2011): Well, I agree with you that your wife's issues are mental.She has no medical proof that she has any of the conditions she is concerned about.Since you can not make someone seek therapy for issues they do not recognize.What you CAN do is tell her how her choices are affecting you. Her choices make you feel like your needs do not matter to her. She is making choices for herself that deeply affect you too-and change your quality of life unecessarily. That is very selfish. It is not that she can not do these activities, she chooses not to because of her fears/discomfort that use to never exist. You chose a different person to be your partner.Tell your wife that you do not know if you would choose her as your partner, the way she is now. The way she chooses to live her life is depressing.You can tell her that you find it difficult to be around her anymore and question the longevity of your marriage.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (2 November 2011):
 I think your wife s suffering some kind of mental/altered state. She may have had a mild stroke earlier in life that changed the make up on her psychological behavior. Perhaps she is bipolar. People with this disease can appear normal for many years, the disease can also go into a sort of "remission" durin gone of their "up" phases that lasts for years and then they crash back down to another strange mood swing. Certain hormonal changes can affect a woman's mental outlook; she has become very fearful of everything, including living. SHe's have difficulty coping with so many things. I suppose therapy would be out of the question. Perhaps you can talk to her physician or go with her the next time she gets a check up and tell the doctor privately what's happening at home that makes you feel she is not normal. Indeed her behavior is not normal. Is there any mental illness in her family? It can be hereditary and show up later in life. Aside from being a hyperchondriac, what was her reaction when you told her you feel like you're living with a 71 year old woman, instead of one that's only 41?....If all else fails, maybe she needs to reach out to someone spiritually to get a handle on all her paranoias and fears. She is definatley battling something that you cannot cure yourself. Maybe a good pastor can help her feel less fearful and more empowered when she realizes she may have a purpose in life, other than hiding in a corner. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (2 November 2011):
Sounds like a very difficult situation that you're in. It's understandable and natural that you feel very frustrated and that your life is becoming more and more limited because your wife has literally become a very different person from the one you chose to marry.
However, unfortunately you can't force someone into therapy to get them to see your point of view. If someone enters therapy against their will, chances of it having a good outcome are slim.
I think you should start by trying to talk to her again, but differently this time so it doesn't go the way it always does.
your wife definitely has some issues that are hampering her life and yours. She seems to live with a lot of fear now, and fear paralyzes people and restricts them. It doesn't help when you try to point out those problems because your wife doesn't feel that she is being heard or understood.
So I think you should try to talk to her again but without telling her what her problem is, or what your point of view is. Instead, ask her questions about what she fears, and how she feels. Try to understand her feelings, even if you disagree with her views. Often times, if people feel that you are sincerely caring about how they feel, they will then be more open to hearing your side of the story. If people feel that you're just there to impose your will on them and tell them why they have a problem and what they're doing wrong, they get defensive and this sends up a wall between you. Since there's a history of this going on already, it might take more than one conversation in which you refrain from giving your opinions and simply focus on her feelings and her thoughts, before you can begin to get on more neutral ground. But if you can sincerely express interest and concern for her feelings and thoughts, without judging, then she may be more open eventually to the idea of going to therapy if she can see that it's affecting you negatively.
So some things to do when you talk to her:
- just keep asking her neutral questions about how she feels about things. Don't ask her loaded or leading questions (such as "don't you think that's a bit unreasonable?" or "do you really believe you have those allergies?"). instead ask her things like "what are your concerns regarding such and such..?"
- without judgment and your own opinion. If, after asking her how she feels and she tells you, and then you reply with something to counter why she shouldn't be feeling that way, you've just invalidated her no matter how gently you may have worded it. Especially since there's already a history of her feeling invalidated by you over these matters. At this point, it does not matter if you are correct. The point is that you're trying to understand her better and to make or repair some of the connection and trust between you so that later on she might be more willing to hear or consider some of your point of view.
realize that this is very difficult for you to do, because you obviously believe that she's got it all wrong and if only she will see your point of view then it will all get better. Yes it probably will get better IF she saw your point of view. But the fact is that she doesn't, and the way that you try to reason with her hasn't worked because it makes her feel invalidated. So it will probably take awhile, and many conversations in which you try to understand her feelings and with hold judgment and your opinions, don't expect that after one such conversation you should now be giving her your point of view.
In the meantime, when you're still trying to re-establish some connection with her by listening to her, it might also be helpful if you start figuring out how to continue living your life more fully despite her issues. In other words, learn how to not let her issues hold you back so much from living and enjoying your life. If she refused to go on the roller coaster at Disneyland, fine...why should that in any way detract from your enjoyment of it on your own. If she refuses to go out or to concerts, why can't you go on your own with your own friends. Of course when you go out on your own you want to make sure that you don't make it look as if you're doing it to spite her (like having a "Fine if you don't want to go I"ll just go myself!" attitude). Instead, tell her warmly that you understand that she doesn't like to go out, but you really would like to do that so rather than pressuring her to do something she doesn't want to do, you'll do it on your own while she does her own thing and you can both meet up later at home and talk about how your respective days went. And then next time continue to invite her with you anyway.
Right now you feel understandably very restricted because of her refusal to do a lot of things, and that's causing you to build up a lot of resentment. If you can work some freedom into your relationship by doing some things without her (but be careful which things you choose to do without her! and be completely open with her about it and start out by inviting her to join you) then that can help to make the relationship a bit better in the meantime while you're working to establish a connection with her by talking to her to understand her feelings so she may eventually feel validated and "emotionally safe" enough with you to sincerely want to consider what you have to say regarding her issues and going to therapy.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (1 November 2011):
Where is her doctor?
Does she have any friends or does she spend most of her time alone or with you?
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