A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Cupids, can anyone help me, my wife cheated just over 6 months ago and the OTM dumped her and then broke of all contact. We have remained together to work at saving our marriage,but the problem is that she seems constantly down and depressed that the OTM used her for sex. I am trying hard not to bring it up as I want a new start and to move on from her affair. She tells me all the time she loves me but she has never confronted the man for walking out on the affair and seems to think about this constantly. What should I do as I have forgiven her but she seems not to have forgiven herself or the OTM for ignoring her. She constantly says she feels used and made a complete fool of herself. Can anyone help to what I should do to help her if I can or help me with this one.Thanks Gavin
View related questions:
affair, depressed, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): [This appears to be from the origional poster]Thanks again for sharing your thoughts thats what I came here for to see what other people think and have to say as I am in a constant state if confussion, yes love is not meant to be this hard and also life sometimes is never that easy either.guess I'll have to make a desicion sometime if it doesn't go away, just hard when your dealing with so many things, your heart says one thing, your head another, your dignity and pride are all over the place and all down to another human beings actions, then they get hurt for what they did, mad isn't it how your life can change so quickly, but who knows sometimes things are out of our own control and destiny.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): gavin, i wish you well. i said before and just want to reaffirm these thoughts - you deserve better and i believe you can see this as well. love was never supposed to be destructive, manipulative and so hard.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Thankyou to the last 2 Cupid's that have replied, and to the lady who took so much time on August 6th for the long reply, I have taken on board what both of you have said and do agree with both your angles on it. It is not that I am scared of being alone or starting again and yes I was the kind of man that always had pride in myself and my life, I care about my appearance the way I treat other people and also relise about respect and love,it is very hurtfull what has happended and it has taken away a lot from me, I guess I have been wrapped up in my love for my wife and the fact that she has constantly told me how big a mistake she has made, how much she regrets it and how she will never go there again, we do cuddle and kiss and do romantic things together and yes we still have sex although as mentioned not to the same degree as before.
I am desperate to move on from this but she can't get over being used and all the hurt she and the OTM have caused and it wears me down. I try to be patient not because I am pathetic or pitafull, because I care and love someone as hard as it may seem, I do agree that if it goes on and on then I will have to revaluate my life and where it goes from here.
I think that my wife is also scared that I will say enough is enough and she keeps telling me all the time she wouldn't blame me and I will be snapped up in a minute,think thats part of the reason she klings on so much,all I want is to have a normal happy life and for someone preferbly her to enjoy all that we do and let all of this fade into the background. Reading your posts has opened my eyes up to different angles on why it is still here so strong and yes there will have to come a time when enough is enough, all I crave for is to give to someone who see's me as the most important thing in there life and give the same in return and have normality, trust and happiness in both our lives. I do appreeciate the answers and replies as hard as some of them may seem,but sometimes when your not in the middle off it, it is easier to be objective. Thankyou Gavin
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): Wow Gavin - the fact that you are not bitter and resentful is either a testament to your unswerving love or your fear of being alone. Honestly sounds like your wife doesn't like or respect herself - probably chose a jerk in the first place because she felt like that is what she deserved. Until she loves herself - not much you can do except be there when she wakes up from her self-absorption. It is obvious though that she is not thinking of you - when she says she loves you - is it just a way to keep you so that she will not be alone My advice is to not put any more effort into relationship than she does - you are not helping her by carrying her load and you are setting up yourself for even more disappointment. I wouldn't say dump her though - because it is better to have company than to be alone - just be honest with her and yourself about expectations. Be firm. If she cheats again - let her know that she meant a lot to you, but that you owe it to yourself to move on
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): she is being stubborn for not seeking professional help.
while she is mourning the loss of her affair she is holding you back from find love and happiness. to me sex and intimacy is a great part of a marriage. she is withholding this vital aspect from your marriage. hugs and cuddles just don't do it. i think she needs to be told this. there is so much of sadness in your post but you have chosen to lead this life with her. you have chosen to walk this path with her, at your own cost. i think her affair and her mourning after him has to stop. you have been your wifes fool for too long now. not only did you take her back, you have to now go through her affair mourning phase. she is not emottionally intune with you. i belief she is selfish and she is a damn coward. her behaviour makes me just so cross. i really do not know how you put up with her. she is becoming a manic depressant. she needs to get over herself and choose to start living. with you. can she not see how much YOU are suffering because of her attitute, her behaviour. when will she give up. she is investing still in her affair, have you realised this. she is still giving her heart, and soul to this man by constantly remaining in the past. how selfish can she get? i am overwhelmed by her total disregard towards you. right now, and we don't know much many more months/years of this torture she will mete out to you. your patient is commendable but sadly she has chosen to let your marriage have a third party in it by constantly living in the past.
i think one day you will get up, be brave enough to say- enough is enough. i realise we all talk of love, but sacrificing your life and your manhood for this selfish person is really beyound me. i just cannot understand it. you want to protect her from any hurt but has she done the same for you. she needs to stop this drama she has created and just move on. yes, drama she created. you fail to realise that she CHEATED, yet you are paying the price of her afafir. what are you, a martyr?/ self sacrifice is noble but not at the cost of your own life.
gavin, i implore you. be realistic. something has to give.i see a desperate man, loving (?) his wife inspite of her shadiness. i see a man caught up in his wifes web of deceit- meaning you too cannot fathom all this. the drama. the mood swings. the lack of intimacy. have you realised just what you have given up. your wifes selfishness has to stop. i think you need to share this with her. show her that other s have seen through her falseness and that he self inflicted depression has to be dealth with. yes we all love but when this love consumes us negatively, is it truly love or desperation. i am not telling you to leave her (immediately) but i am telling you to make a decision. either she snaps out of it or you snap out of the marriage. pride, self respect, high esteem - she took this all away from you. yet you still patiently, naively, understandingly just carry on hoping - well you can hope all you want - if her attitiude doesn't change, nothing will. your marriage will still have 3 people in it. so sad that he affiar only lasted 6 months, but for the rest of your life, you will have to pay for it. strange how blame shifts. the innocent partner pays the price in the end.
i am sorry gavin that i have written the above but i see a life wasting, (YOURS), I see a manipulating cheater self pitying her ways (YOUR WIFE). SHE NEEDS TO GET OVER IT,.look at this as well - she only cares what had happened in her life so 6 months the affair was conducted. does she not see the error of her ways and how she is treating you. you are young, yet you have chosen to stay with a woman who has no respect for you and your feelings whatsoever. please remove this blinkers you have of your wife- see the real selfish person she has become. her affair has consumed her. her affair is still in your marriage. she is monuning HIM. that is right. and you the faithful, loyal hb just has to shut up and accept it. WHY? WHy have you chosen this path? why have you accepted your fate from this woman. she needs a reality check and she needs it now.
enough is enough. she needs to let go. she needs to build her life with you or she has to go. YES. she has to make a decision. you have allowed her to mourn for too long now. stop protecting her, she did nothing to protect you when she started her affair. so much for her love for you. her lies that nothing FULLY SEXUAL happened, can you believe this? she f*cked him, she knows it was sex. she is an adult. strange how she is not mourning the loss and betrayal of her marriage, that she created.. your wife is a peice of work. its just sad you cannot see her for the real person she is. what sre you afraid of? starting over. yes it is scary but you deserve the chance at happiness. you may love your wife but her behaviour gives no indication that it is returned. yes, she feels safe with you. you are her friend. but she is craving this other man still. it is like you walking into your front door and catching her with this man. her devotion and love.lust for him is still evident. she is not guilty of only commititng adulty. she is guilty of stealing the best years of your life. and she just doesn't care. all she can think about is me, me, me. she has he audacity to mourn openly for him? how low can she stoop and you let her.
you owe yourself some respect. its ok that you do not want to talk to friends and family about what is happening in your life but start thinking clearly and start making some hard choices. i always say - YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU TOLERATE. if you tolerate a 3rd party in your life then you deserve all the drama she has created. ask yourself- when last did you have true intimacy (i mean SEX) WITH HER. WHY won't she allow this to happen. she is appeasing you with just hugs/cuddles. is she saving herself still for him. you need to be a real man, asking real questions not just some tender doormat husband that your wife has made you into.
sorry i am going on about this but her behaviour leaves a lot to be desired. you have endured so much. yes you have been together for a long time but its time to take charge and it is time to set the record staright. live in the past and forget aboout you, her hb or move on, heal NOW, and move towards a better space in your marriage. only you can now eliminate this 3rd factor in your life. her mourning of her affair and her mourning for her lover ends today. be firm, you have been kind, tolerant and decent about the whole thing. no more mr,. nice guy. you see nice guys always come out last. it will be strange for you to act like this since i believe you are a caring human being. but you have to . for your own sanity and for the survival of you manhood. your wife has been stripping away layer after layer of your dignity, get it back. you deserve more.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): Thankyou again, I can't confide in friends or family as I do not wan't anyones oppinions changing, and once other people find out they all have there own voice to add on what is write and wrong and that is what they would do and would also act differently towards my wife. I have asked her to go to the doctors or a counceller but she jut keeps saying that time is a great healer and she only needs time, Mmmmm I not so sure as the passing of time isn't helping.
She says that she has no good feelings left towards the OTM and is is the way he treated her after it all came out, she says she only wanted to know that she hadn't been used and that she can return to the classes, once again another problem as he was the teacher,she says she is very angry at him as well as being riddled with guilt for what she has done, mean time my life is on hold.
Today thanks to you replies I have told her that all of this is wearing me down and all I want is a normal happy normal life and marriage, I try to be positive and look forward, part of my nature I guess, I have not always been the perfect husband, made all the ussual mistakes, but learned a good number of years ago how to treat a lady as a lady and be supportive, this all came out the blue so devasted me, but as we have stuck together talked it all out time and time again, she always tells me it was one huge mistake and how much she see's me for who I really am now she admires loves and respects me,it is all very confusing when she says all these things. She always is cuddling and kissing and yes there is some physical relationship again although not as it used to be, but she says it is because of how she has been made to feel by what happened, nothing actually to do with me how I look or what I do.
But still this goes on and on her feeling down, missing her class mates, loss of self respect, dignity and the over all feeling that she was used,I have read and take note of all the different replies and yes as suggested maybe she is not telling the truth about who she wants or what she wants but she keeps on telling me it's me all the time and she has learned a really hard lesson in life and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, I guess its just taking its toll on me constantly giving and supporting and watching my wifes mood swings and hurt and depression caused by her having an affair and the OTM walking away from it without as much as a goodbye or taking the blame as you would to let someone off the hook, he has never as much as even replied to her questions about did he just use her and what was it all about.
Yes I did know that she wrote to him for answers and with my knowledge she went to his class to ask him what it was all about, he told her he got carried away and caught up in the moment,he did care at the time!!!! she left that meeting came home and after 24 hours she felt worse than ever, she felt he had used her. I agree with many that she lied to me she cheated she has got karma or she got what she deserved, but after being married to this woman for years who I deeply loved as much as I was devasted, I couldn't just turn my feelings off over night and made a desicion to slug it out as its meant to be about for better for worse, don't know maybe that makes me a bigger fool, but how do you stop loving someone over night.Guess I just have to be patient and hope that this overall feeling she has about being used and made a fool off and losing her course and friends will pass in time and she starts again learning from her lessons and the rest will become history.Thanks for your replies they help me see things from different angles and any other oppinions or help is appreciated. Gavin.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): 6 months is still quite a short time - she has to adjust from feeling swept away by the flattery and excitement of the other man to feeling angry with him and with herself - quite an emotional whirlwind. A friend of mine went through something similar and it took a long, long time for her to get over it - she had a long-suffering patient husband who stayed with her and eventually she could see his good qualities again and forgive herself. Perhaps you're almost being too good - you could say to her that you appreciate she's finding it difficult to get back to "normal" but that you find it painful to hear "his" name mentioned so much a- it might help if she could talk to a female friend, and get some reassurance that this one silly mistake doesn't mean she is an awful person. Or a sympathetic GP might suggest counselling or anti-depressants just to help lift the feelings of despair and getting stuck in a rut. Have you got outlets for your frustration - hitting a squash ball or confiding in a friend? I wish you the very best with this - it will be difficult for a long time but hopefully there will be increasing moments when she can start to forget and enjoy life again
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): wow, what a good hb you have been. your wife is lucky you still want her in your life. she doen't deserve such a good man. why? because she would have continued to f*ck around if you did not caught her out. she had no respect for you , she blatantly deceived you and she could not give a sh1t about your feelings. now months later, she is not over her lover?/ give me a break. you have to listen to her whining about her affair and her lover and the way he treated her. PLEASE. what are you . a doormat? your wife must cut her self pity and she must count her lucky stars that you did not kick her out. her lover made a choice. he was married for goodness sake. your wife did not care about this fact. she actually indulged with this man knowing that she was married and knowing that he was also married. i have no sympathy for your wife. why? because she deserves whatever has happened. thi sis the tragedy of affairs yet people do not learn. then they expect their spouses to try to help them get over thier lovers. if she has not moved on all these months, do you think she will.
in the meanwhile, gavin, your life is on hold. what does your wife offer you. love?compassion?.friendship?respect? no,, she is only concerned about her lover and not you. what exactly are you providing her. surely something that she does not deserve. her heart is not with you. your wife is stealing the bets years of your life. and you let her. why? how about some respect for yourself. your wife is mourning the loss of her affair and you are suffering. if you did not get out of your marriage when you found out about them, well it is time to get out now. too much of valuable time has been spent on someone who doesn't deserve you. your wife wallowing in self pity, her cries, her emotionally basketcase attitute is not helping your marriage and you. you are a man, you should be trated as one. not some person your wife settled for. and this is what she did. your wife has lied to you saying she did not have sex with this man. you have the confirmation. yet she has such little respect for you as her hb to deny that this happened. so what if he used her? after all she knew what she was doing. what did she expect. for her lover to leave his wife and for her to leave you. then she could live happily ever after with her lover?? so much for loving you. please take this blinkers you have on for your wife. see the real her and see the real situation. it is time for you to tell her to get with it. either she is committed to you and your marriage or she gets out of your life. for good.
please listen to the comments made to you by the other aunts. they have valuable insight and i think they have given you something to think about. hey karma is a bich. your wife found out the hard way.
gavin, i believe you are a good man. i believe you deserve better. don't you?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): Thankyou for your replies so far,yes I have thought like suggested it is karma working,we have been married a long time and she has never as much looked at another man,the OTM chased her (she is a beautifull woman so he would notice her) and she says she got swept away by it all, like any long term relationship we had our ups and downs. I found out about her affair and confronted both of them, she confessed to everything and the OTM gave me pretty much the same answers when asked.I gave them the chance if they wanted each other, that I had no part to play anymore but she came back with me and he went back to his wife.What seems to bother her is he from that day onwards he never made contact again and basically said he used her for sex although she says they never went all the way and he seem to confirm this (couldn't manage when they tried and never tried again)she was doing other things for him---.The problem is that she contacted him 3 times over the space of a couple of months to ask what it was all about and if he used her, he wont reply or let her of the hook mentally, she doesn't seem to be able to get over the fact that he was after one thing, he told her he loved her and chased her for 1.5 years before anything happened.I listen on a daily basis almost to her wanting re-assurance that she wasn't used, how could anyone say these things then ignore me and so on,just to add a bit, he was the teacher at an evening class she attended, and has not been able to return and constantly is heartbroken at the fact she lost her class and freinds she made there too. So as you can see this is a complicated situation,and to add to it, all she does is tell me that she made a massive mistake and loves me and respects me for forgiving her and so on,she tells me I'm 100 times more a man than he ever was, but she is not the same person anymore due to the fact that she is always down, depressed and looking for re-assurance that she wasn't used. I have on the other hand had to re-build my confidence,trust and every other emmotion that comes with this, she says I have been her rock, but still she goes on about what happened and her loss of her course and dignity.. Gavin
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): Gavin, I don't like to do this, but I want to remind you that your wife cheated on you with another man and would have continued to cheat on you, if not that other man left her after using her for sex. In other words, she is only back with you because her body was no longer desired by the other man. If the other man had continued to use her, hiding behind the illusion of giving her more love than what you could ever provide, then know you are just 'the friend' that is offering her a rebound to lean on.
An individual can love and express that love by giving, but when should one's own dignity falter, so another can pick herself up? Are you suggesting that she may 'finally' see that you are the one for her, by giving your support and love for her?
Indeed, she may one day feel very inclined to fall back on you emotionally and physically, but know that she went back to you, ONLY because the other man left her. Otherwise, she would 'never' have gone back to you.
=====
There is nothing you can specifically do to 'help' her feel abandoned by her former lover. If you must continue this support, then it only means it will take time. Imagine babying a wounded child to health.
-----
She will go back to that other man, if he shows some affection towards her because her heart is there, in that ideal. However, if you really desire to try to 'save' your marriage, only you can choose that option. Those that live their lives, hardly see the paths that lead to their own problems, until those problems happen.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): She feels used because she had feelings for the guy and may still have.i don't think you wife value's you
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): im sorry but she did this to herself. yes she feels used and a fool and so she should. she should be happy that you have hung around and gave her a second chance. bah....
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): Making a fool of herself and you forgiving her is a reason to move on she should be happy and not even thinking of what she did,tell her to get a grip
...............................
A
female
reader, r0ckah0l1c  +, writes (4 August 2009):
No offense but I think its karma and she got what was coming to her. Do you truly feel she deserves to confront him and rid herself of these feelings? If you let her go back you are letting her walk all over you and showing her that its okay. Wouldn't you feel disrespected if she contacted him again? Sounds like she needs counseling to get over these feelings and to assist you in mending your marital problems.
...............................
|
