A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for less than a year, and our relationship is very good. It is a second marriage for both of us. There is one thing that concerns me and makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not sure how to deal with it.While my wife's first marriage was not satisfying from a love/sex perspective, two of her relationships she had in the four years between the end of her marriage and when we met were very pleasing to her. Both ended due to other issues (one guy she felt was too old, and the other was too controlling and uncaring).Here is the problem, my wife will speak to me about these two gentlemen. These topics will be about what worked, what didn't, how they were intimate, how helped her grow, and things they did - sort of a compare and contrast to me. Some times these talks are when we, ourselves, are intimate. It's like she doesn't have a filter and says, honestly, what's on her mind.I find it very uncomfortable. It's not due to any deficit in our own love/sex - that is great with us. But, I just don't like hearing about these guys - I really don't like hearing anything about them. I don't do the same about my past relationships. I have expressed this to her and she has become annoyed with me, saying that this is part of her past, these men (along with her ex) helped her become the better, more mature and loving woman she is today. Also, she has remained friends with one of these men and they talk or see each other occasionally. I do think this is strictly platonic meetings, but this concerns me as she broke up with this first guy and he was heartbroken about it. This just seems weird to me, and I've mentioned that to her. But, she feels I'm weird to question one of her "friends".I'm reluctant to bring any of these things up again. She has said that she will try to speak less about them, but the men are mentioned still, especially she learns something new about me.What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2010): I've been in the same position with my boyfriend. He would constantly mention her through various stories at completely random times. We'd be watching a movie, and a scene would take place that was similar to his situation, and he'd mention "her". Although, he always mentioned her name in a negative context. He always said that I was uch more suited for him and that I made him so much happier. But still, the fact that he brought her up so much made me wonder what I was doing wrong to keep her on his mind. Now, whenever he mentions ANYTHING, her image resonates in my mind. Although, when I told him that him mentioning her bothered me, he apologized, and he stopped. I told him that it made me feel as if he was comparing me to her, and that I couldn't handle it anymore. He said that he wasn't trying to imply that there was any kind of a comparison to be made, but that he was just wondering how he could have stayed with someone like that for so long, and then be with someone like me. I'm sorry that your wife is doing this. I know that it must just be tearing you up inside every time you hear their names. If she truly loves you, she will see how this is affecting you, and she will stop. Just talk to her calmly and rationally. Don't point any fingers, don't blame her, and most of all, don't try to prove her wrong. Just express how you're feeling, and let her know that it's hurting you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): Sorry mate but your going to have to give her a taste of her own medicine, its the only way. I know its against the grain because you are behaving like a gentleman. Tell her about your ex you nicknamed 'Isis' and how smart and sexy she was that should do the trick.
Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): well my friend, you get even.talk about your ex's! (or make up some stuff) say how they ''made you such a great guy and taught you a lot'' or how you ''made love nearly everynight'' believe me, when she realises how annoying it is, she'll soon stop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2008): Tisha gives you wise advice and good suggestions on how to handle your wife. All I want todo here is add to her comments by stating just my opinion on what your wife is doing. Knowing someone's past sexual experience is important but within carefully thought out boundaries and limits. When you both were dating and decided to be sexually intimate, you needed to know the health and risk issues involved. However, now she is no longer telling you all this stuff to protect you. She has gone over the line and she is now bragging and boasting of past exploits and making unecessary comparisons. It is knocking you off balance and it's wrong to do this to a beloved. It is time for you to let her know of your boundaries because what she is doing is very unthinking. I hope you both work it out because it sounds in spite of her behaviors here, you love and care for her deeply. Good luck to both of you.
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male
reader, Paladin +, writes (18 March 2008):
 Personally I think its a great thing for couple to talk about what they like, dislike or want from their partner. Like you I would rather she simply talk to me about it and bringing up names certainly doesn't help. after all, if she tells you Joe did it this way and I liked it she has only put a visual in your head which you do not need. I suggest you explain it to her that way. I also suggest you ask her to stop discussing others while she is intimate with you. That is simply not a nice think to do and there will plenty other times to discuss things like this. regarding her other friendships, if you trust her then what difference do they make. There are lots of male/female relationships where sex is not an issue.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 March 2008):
 Hmm, she sounds a bit like Bernice from 'Designing Women.' remember, the older slightly batty woman who would say whatever came to her mind, no matter how inappropriate it was. I occasionally have what I call a 'Bernice moment' myself, but I try to keep the filters in place most of the time.
If you've told her it makes you uncomfortable, and she chooses to continue, then you do have a problem, I agree that you have the right to be upset about it.
Right, let's think about some strategies you could use to deal with it.
You could turn it into a joke, and tell her she's let her Bernice out again...
You could practice a little psychological training I heard about recently, where a woman who is an animal trainer started using some of the techniques she knows for dealing with dogs on her husband. Essentially, it means that you reward the behavior you want and completely ignore the behavior you don't want to see. Eventually, the dog, who has a high desire to please, stops the unwanted behavior, like jumping up or barking or whatever, because he gets no attention at all when he does those things. He gets attention and rewards when he is doing what is wanted.
This trainer had a problem with her husband misplacing his keys or wallet and having a meltdown, trying to involve her in the frantic search for whatever it was he was trying to find. She used to participate in the search, getting just as wound up as he did. She then decided to apply the dog training technique to the situation.
When he started getting frantic about the misplaced item, she would simply ignore the situation, and let him run around the house by himself. Eventually, he stopped trying to involve her and the searches were calm and became less frequent.
I have no idea if this would work with your wife, but maybe it's worth a try? Don't react at all when she begins a comparison. Leave the room on some errand, or just change the subject. Do not react, respond or engage in a conversation about the old boyfriend. No nodding, no eye contact, just kind of mentally remove yourself from the frame. If she asks you what you think about what she said, tell her that you heard it but have nothing to add. Again, do this with a flat affect, no frowning, no smiling, give her no emotion whatsoever. If she does it while you're being intimate, just say you need to use the bathroom, and leave the room for a while.
This is just a theory, and I have no expertise in this area at all.
Keep reminding yourself that she chose you over these other men, and that means a lot! She loves you, I'm sure, and would want to make you happy. She just needs some help with stopping her Bernice moments.
All the best, and I really would like to know if you try these techniques and if they work. I could be completely out in left field here, of course.
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