A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a 43 year old guy. My wife gave (she says loaned) some money to her ex to enable him to purchase some real estate. He had purchased on option on the land which was about to expire. If his option expired, I was going to buy the property. She says she is not having an affair with him, but that she just had to do this (without telling me) because this was his last chance and if he lost this deal, he might never recover, and we have so much, etc. That just does not cut it with me. I can't believe that she would take it upon herself to take bread off our table and do this. It's also hard to believe she would do this if she was not still in love with him, although he's married too. I asked my wife to leave the house last night and have called a lawyer today to begin divorce proceedings, but I am reeling here. How do I deal with these feelings and this betrayal. We both have kids but not together. So, the break will be easier in that respect, but I am in a lot of pain today.
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affair, divorce, her ex, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): So your wife cared more about her ex than you: she knew the consequences yet she still betrayed you. I am all for helping people in need but not at the expense of my hb.Your wifes actions are a mystery: she basically chose her ex over you. Your wife knew you wanted that property right? So she schemed and make certain her ex still retained it? Ouch!I am all for saving marriages but when such a choice is made, perhaps divorce is the solution. She betrayed you. I think you have done the right thing by telling her to leave. I think it is sad but necessary.Right now, your actions are based on anger and betrayal. When your emotions have settled then you will mourn the loss of your marriage.I have lent/given money without my hbs knowledge to my brothers and sisters, but that is somewhat more acceptable. It created problems in my marriage but after yearsof this being an issue, I now just tell my hb the truth. This saves us all from going through the motions of betrayal. LoveGirl
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): Is she cheating and still in love with him? Possibly. Not necessarily.
Was this loan betraying you? Hell yes. Giving the loan at all was questionable. The secrecy was inexcusable. The fact that it took a deal out from under you at the same time was way, way over the line.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (29 April 2011):
 You find it hard to believe she could be kindhearted without being completely in love with her ex? I would have thought that would have been one of the reasons you married her. She felt obliged to do this because her ex is someone she once was in love with and even though she may not feel anything romantic towards him, does that mean she must feel only coldness instead? No.
Yes, you were betrayed, after all she did do this behind your back. I have to ask though, just to be sure, whose money was it? Yours or you wife's? If it was yours, go ahead with the divorce if that is how strongly you feel about that. If it was your wife's money, I have to admit you are reacting quite irrationally. Sometimes it is just something people need to do either to deal with their own conscience or to deal with something in their past but that doesn't mean they have any real emotional connection toward it other than care or even out of respect for what they once shared.
How did you find out? Do you know if she was planning to keep this a secret forever? I don't know what your marriage was like, I don't know how much you truly loved this woman but maybe it is something you should think about before you file for divorce, if for nothing else, do it so you don't regret anything. People make mistakes and sometimes people don't regret them, mostly because they are confident that they did the right thing. Are those mistakes not worth your forgiveness? Even after what I presume you and your WIFE shared? Just be sure of what you are doing, if you are, then you'll have dealt with these feelings.
I hope that helps.
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