A
male
age
51-59,
*odanda
writes:I am married. About a year back I lost my job. Finding a new job has become challenging since I am nearing 50 years. I have a house which belongs to my mother. My wife wants to stay in a rented house which I have been paying high rent. I requested my wife to move to my parental house given my financial situation. Staying in my parental house will save me from paying rent. My wife is working and her office is near to the rented house which we live currently. I am paying from my savings to run the house. I am not expecting any financial help from my wife. Until now she has not been supportive either emotionally or financially. She says that she will move to my mother's house only when the property gets transferred to me from my mother. I am not interested in my parental property and find it immoral to ask my mother to transfer her house to my name. Please advise how to convince my wife to move to a smaller house or live along with my mother. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2017): I knew there was a backstory to this. I always give the other partner in a relationship some benefit of the doubt; because there is often a reason for the discord between a couple whose relationship has gone on for years, but suddenly comes to a grinding halt.
We might say you've met your karma at this point. She has not divorced you up to now; yet she has shown you no mercy or has refused you comfort. I don't need to remind you of the fury of a woman scorned. You have first-hand knowledge.
Through all of this, have you ever asked for her forgiveness?
Have you ever sincerely told her you were sorry?
It is likely that although you are extremely sorry, your pride might not give you the words to just say those simple words. You choke on shame when you try to form the words; so you take your punishment instead. A heartfelt apology doesn't always grant you a parade and a pardon; but it imparts to the victim of your transgression some peace of mind. She is suffering too. Her pride is also damaged, and her trust has been betrayed. She sounds like a strong and proud woman, and she carries a burden and so much anger she only knows how to respond with cruelty and a silent rage.
Your mother has no part in this. As I said in a previous response, your wife knows you have no solid assets, and suggests you obtain the property owned by your mother.
If your mother wishes to leave that in her will, that is her right. Asking for your inheritance in advance of her death is very insulting to a parent. It's like saying I can't wait until you die!
Your wife may also be holding on to the marriage for the sake of your child. So you both still have something more important than yourselves to focus on. If she has to go on alone, I can understand her reasoning and disappointment. It's still better that she makes an offer to buy the property; not procure it by way of your asking for it to transferred, without offering to buy it from your mother. Then it would be up to your mother to decide if she'll give it over to you and not ask for payment. Don't count on that!
Take heart, dear sir. If she is capable of forgiveness; you'll only know if you seek it. Maybe your pride is not allowing you to say words that admit your guilt and justify her pain. Asking for forgiveness doesn't always mean you will receive it with a full-pardon. If she is looking for some form of compensation and restitution for her suffering; maybe what she asked for is all she'll settle for. In the meantime; give her something that will lift some of your burden and guilt. Ask her for forgiveness, and pray for peace. Other things will follow-through according to destiny. The marriage may fail, but you still have the love of your child; which cannot be taken from you. Even if she tries to use that as part of your punishment. She has to answer to karma as well, we are all subject to the consequences of our actions. We can't just be cruel and unforgiving without paying something back.
Meanwhile; keep searching for work. Don't allow your pride to refuse a simpler job out of shame. You can still continue looking for something better. Large gaps in time on a resume between jobs doesn't look good. You need an income, and sometimes you have to humble yourself to realize and appreciate a blessing in any size it is received. Even if the job doesn't offer you the flash and prestige you once had, you have money in your pocket. It's also a good time to consider being an entrepreneur and come-up with a plan.
My prayers and best wishes go out to you, sir!
A
male
reader, Kodanda +, writes (2 June 2017):
Kodanda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply. You are correct. I am running my family from my assets. She has not even bothered to ask me how I am managing without salary. I don't know what she does with her salary. When I die, my child will have one earning parent. This is the only solace. To the outside world, there is an impression, she is the bread winner because she is working. I had lent some money to her family while I was working. Few years ago, I cheated on my wife when I was on a business trip. I told my wife about this. I could not hide this due to guilt. I tested for STDs. I was tested positive for HSV 1 all others were negative. I had sores below my lips on my face. I gradually developed chronic prostatitis also. She did not leave me although I cheated. There was normal sex life before. After that incident my wife doesn't sleep with me. I think I deserve the abuse because neither I am earning nor a good husband.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2017): Well, your wife is the bread-winner now. If she wants the house, she'll have to make your mother an offer. You have no right to ask her to just give you her property for free.
If she abuses you in any way; no sir, she is not a nice lady. She is nice publicly to give everyone an impression she is. Abusers never show their true nature to outsiders.
So why are you staying and submitting to her abuse?
She is handing you an ultimatum. You're caught between living with her and being treated badly; or moving-in with your mother without her.
You aren't guaranteed things will get any better if you got the house signed over to you.
She could force you to sell it to split the proceeds from the sale as part of a divorce-settlement. As things are now, you have little or no assets to offer her if you divorce. A house is an asset! She may already be talking to a lawyer.
Right now, you're living off the only assets you have. You're basically at her mercy.
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A
male
reader, Kodanda +, writes (2 June 2017):
Kodanda is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your concern and answers. I love my wife. I doubt if she loves me. She is a nice lady but some time abuses me physically and verbally. But some one is giving wrong direction, I guess. Asking some one's property is greed on her part. I think she married me for the property. She is not understanding the gravity of the situation. I was working in Oil industry. The oil price has crashed and industry is in turmoil. Thats the reason I have lost my job. I am asking her to move to smaller house where we can afford. Staying in mother's house is ruled out. Like fair weathered friends, there exists fair weathered spouses?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2017): Since it is her suggestion to obtain the property; allow your wife to ask her mother-in-law to "sell her the house." She has an income, and perhaps a reasonable deal can be made.
I think your wife is pressuring you to find work, so she is placing difficult challenges before you. Not to judge, but her attitude is bold and uncompromising. She has her mind made-up and doesn't seem to care if you might have a disagreement with your mother about deeding her property to you.
She is going about this in a passive-aggressive way; as if to put you at odds with your mother. Maybe to place you between a rock and a hard place. She doesn't want to live with your mother. At this stage in your life, she is somewhat right.
Marriage is a partnership. You support each other in every way. Financially, emotionally, and spiritually. You made vows to care for each other. Even through crisis and unforeseen difficulties. Perhaps you've run out of options and have over-taxed her patience.
It seems she is a harsh woman and has little respect for you; possibly because you lost your job. You don't explain why you lost the job; but if you were fired, or have difficulty keeping employment. Perhaps all this is due to her disappointment in you. Your mother has no obligation to sell nor offer you free-rent, and she knows this.
There are two-sides to every story. In fairness, she deserves some benefit of the doubt. That does not rule-out the fact she should show some empathy for your employment-situation; unless this is the last straw, due to a poor employment-history and a failing marriage.
If your marriage is in trouble on all fronts; and she has put up with too many problems with you, which have caused her distress or distrust up to now. It is likely she has decided enough is enough.
It appears you will have to move to your mother's house and leave it up to her to come along. If she doesn't, then she remains responsible to pay the rent as long as she remains in the other property, or she will be evicted.
If she is refusing to come, it might be safe to assume this whole situation is about the condition of your marriage; not her refusal to live at your mother's property, or insisting it be changed-over to your name.
Sir, I believe there is an untold back-story here and many missing details. Unless you are trying to tell us your wife is a totally cold and unreasonable woman. Be that the case, perhaps leaving without her is your only (if not best) choice.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 June 2017):
 I don't think you can convince her.
My advise is that you tell her you cannot afford to live in the rental house with her any longer and that you are moving into your mother's house until you find further employment.
Tell your wife she can come with you, or not, but she needs to be aware that if she stays where she is you will not be financially responsible for any debts she may incur. Advise her you will be posting a notice to this effect in local papers, shop windows and on lamp posts.
If you do give her the above ultimatum be prepared to carry it through. Either way it sounds to me as if your marriage is practically over.
Good luck!
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