A
male
age
41-50,
*etsuna.f.seiei
writes:My wife proposed that we have an open marriage because she refuses to meet my sexual needs and expectations. She wants me to find a "whore" who is willing to attach herself to my crotch and she can find someone who will meet her emotional needs. Here is the catch, she hopes I "stray" so that it's easier for her to walk away from the marriage. I'm in a catch 22. Either way I go, I feel like I'm being set up for failure. I still love her, but this situation is frustrating as heck. I am a guy who married someone who was a virgin and disliked oral (the thought of it), tried it reluctantly, but never really got used to it. Although I will freely and gladly go down on my wife, she does not reciprocate. My wife told me to have patience with her about oral sex (at first she said she liked it, but now I think she said this to make nice) and I believed it hook-line-and-sinker, I gave her space, didn't bring it up often, and married her for love and with high sexual hopes.Got married, she's a great wife, a great mother, but is a lousy lover. The sex slowed to a crawl, is limited to missionary and intercourse only, she rarely kisses me with any passion, does not fondle me or let me fondle her, she does not give bj's, does not give hand jobs, and bores me with the same routine. Then she told me her jaw locks, she blamed her strict upbringing, then she complained about the taste, then said she does not like it, now she gets combative whenever I bring up the topic. I stopped initiating sex because there's only so much rejection I can take. When I initiated, she would slap my hand away, if I tried to touch her breasts or other body parts she'd push my hand away. It's bad enough the sex stinks, I'm not begging for boring sex. She now initiates sex when she wants it (and complains that I am not passionate, heartless, unemotional, ironic, actually).I've tried to bring up my concerns and needs for sex, and suddenly I'm the selfish one, who only shows emotion, passion, and gets touchy-feely only when I want sex (geez, either way I'm screwed... if I am not passionate I get scolded, if I am passionate it's because of selfish sexual intentions). I've asked my wife to be slutty in bed, her response, "I'm your wife, not a prostitute... go pay for one if you want a slut." I was considering cheating, she caught a draft of an ad I was considering placing online but never published it (did not have the heart to go through with it) and she felt betrayed, ironic, isn't it? She said to hire a prostitute, but when there was a moment that I was considering it, she had to eat her words. Now she blames her lack of passion for sex on my near-betrayal. The passion for sex that is beyond a boring routine was never there in the first place. She rarely has demonstrated "slutty" passion. I love my wife and 90 percent of the relationship is great, but the sex stinks. Since the non-sexual relationship is excellent, I put up with crappy sex. I suppose that "any sex is better than no sex". I've tried being nice, I've tried dialogue, anger, and giving her space. Not even the threat of straying has worked to improve the situation!
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 August 2010):
 Original post here... http://www.dearcupid.org/question/wife-wants-an-open-relationship-so-that-i.html
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 August 2010):
You two need to go to get some marriage counselling.. there you can bring up any anger or resentments and can also find ways to compromise and expand your activities in the bedroom..
You need professional help from outside, because at the moment you are fighting and arguing about something which I believe may be easily cureable.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 August 2010):
Why didn't you just update your original post.. I remember you from before.. many of the aunts who answered may not be able to find you now.. anyway.. thanks for providing the additional information that we asked for..
Sigh.. you married a virgin.. you knew she was a woman who was traditional in matters arround sex. Now you want her to throw out all her upbringing and become the kind of woman who she has always been taught to look down on.
The way you've been going about things makes her more frightened than ever, and you've made sex into such an issue that it probably disgusts her now...
I knew you were talking nonsense in your original post.. a woman who has sexual issues isn't going to have an open relationship and go looking for a man to have sex with..
First you got to show her you love and respect her, then you got to bring romance back into her life.. A man who asks me to be a "slut" in bed, would make me feel uncomfortable as well...
How long have you two been married? Have you asked her if she enjoys sex with you. Does she have orgasms with you or dose she fake it, or never have one at all?
You've gone about this all wrong.. you need oil or honey to open up the door to her sexuality, demands and threats will just make her tighten up and want to run away.
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