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male
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*omebody
writes: My wife recently had an affair with a man she has been thinking and fantasizing about for the last 15 years. They were together as teens, never had sex and had a bad break-up that she felt guilty about. She has just told me that she had been looking for him for 10+ years, even right before and after we got married. She said her intent was just to apologize when she found him, but they ended up having an affair for 6-8 months. My wife tells me that the affair ended early this year.I don't know how to trust or believe anything my wife tells me now. How can she just be "over it" now when she had fantasized about this man for so long? She says she thought she fell in love with him during their affair, but she is past it now. Am I really to believe that after fantasizing about this man for 15 years and then falling in love with him after finding him - it is just over now? I fear that they may still be contacting each other at work (that's how they communicated and made plans) and she isn't being honest.She says she is now committed to working on our marriage and I have nothing to worry about. I can't stop thinking that she is still fantasizing about this man and that any problem that arises in our marriage will have her trying to be with him again.I don't know what the truth is anymore and I don't even trust my own feelings. Do I give her the benefit of the doubt or pack up and move on with my life? We have children together which makes my decision more difficult because there are many people who can be affected if we divorce. What do I do? I'm scared they could be together for lunch right now.I've gone through counseling, we've gone together, but haven't made a lot of progress. Not sure what to do now.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2006): I will disagree with the earlier poster. I think forgiveness does not always entail taking someone back. You can still forgive your wife and get a divorce.
Only you know what you can live with. Either way, divorce or reconciliation, you are going to feel some pain. You are GOING to experience pain, for the rest of your life from this. It will not suddenly go away someday. However, over time, it may get better -- and one option may be the best one to promote your healing. You will have to decide which option is best for you. Only you know what you are capable of or how you can adapt to the hurt. Make the best decision for you, not for "marriage counseling" or out of some sense of obligation.
You are entitled to a divorce. You are also entitled to your wife having to go the extra mile to show you she is trustworthy should you decide to reconcile. The choice is up to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2005): Firstly, keep on track with the marriage counseling, hun. Don't give up on it..you need to learn ways to to re-establish trust or what has happened to you will always deeply scar you. It'll fester inside you and this is not emotionally healthy for you and your family. Healing from this will not be a one-year project nor a walk in the park. You need to mend your heart and this type of healing and change takes time.
Over time and with the desire to save your marriage, you will make a clearcut decision to love her again by trying to let go of the past. You will stop obsessing about this and decide to forgive. But she has some work to do on herself first. She has to show you that her errant behavior is gone by changing her behaviors-not by what she simply says. She has to prove it. This will mean-no more secrets between the both of you. It's crucial, that both of you renew your commitment to your marriage, your family and one another. You are the wounded spouse-so you must share your pain. She has to own up and acknowledge the hurt caused you by this devastating experience. Start listening completely to one another and with your heart, not just your head. Communicate honestly. Please remember, trust is earned. Your wife now has to work twice as hard to establish it again. And you have to work to establish benchmarks of trust: First I trust to here, then to here, then to here, finally, completely. It will not happen overnight but it can be done, dear. Stay at counselling, even if you go on your own..because the only way you'll get past this is to learn to forgive. Allow that for you, for your children and your marriage. Good luck...you have your work cut out for you. Take care.
Hugs, Irish
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A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (29 December 2005):
 It is time for you to decide if all of this is worth it or not. If you decide you want to work on the marriage then the first step is to get more counseling for the both of you. You have to learn to forgive her and she has to earn your trust back. It will be a lot of work, as I am sure you know. The feelings of betrayal and doubt will almost certainly get worse before they get better, so try to stay strong. I think it is wonderful that you are trying to think of your children before making any decisions, but remember they only benefit from having you guys stay together if you can find a way to make peace with each other, children can not thrive in an environment of constant struggle, so if you can not find a way to work through this then it is not best for them if you stay together. It is time for her to prove to you that she loves you and is commited to making this work, if she is not willing to put in the effort and just expects you to get over it, then she is not worth the pain. Good luck.
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