A
male
age
51-59,
*eltic son
writes:Back in May of this year my wife and I had new neighbors move in after being introduced to each other we came to find out he was from England and I grew up in Ireland we instantly hit it off seeing as we both had so much in common as far as sports we liked and basically having the same upbringing. At the time I had just been laid off and was looking for work and he also had just had a job opportunity go sideways and was out of work we started spending a lot of time together doing side jobs hanging out by the fire drinking beer just having a good time, after about eight weeks I found a new job and he found a job shortly after, Now we talk everyday and hang out at least one night if not two nights at the weekend listening to music by the fire and having a few beers my wife and other neighbors join in the fun occasionally but not all of the time. There family and my family have dinner together at least once a week and I thought we were all enjoying each others company. My wife told me today that my friend gets 70% of my time and if I didn't stop hanging out with him she would take both our kids and leave me. I am pretty distraught as I thought everything was great and he is the only good friend I have had in the 14 years I've lived here. She said I could talk to him during the week but not at the weekends. Non negotiable!!! I don't want my marriage to end but If I make a stand it will end badly. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): I agree that a healthy and happy woman that loves her Husband, would not feel threatened by him having, what seems to be a very healthy, normal friendship.
I agree that its her insecurity and need for control due to her insecurity; that she is demanding you give up a much needed friendship.
How you explain her- she is a controlling woman. She is ONLY HAPPY with the friends you have as they are the ones she approves and ones that have everything to do with her.
I suspect she is fearful that this new friendship will give you the courage to leave your loveless marriage.
Seek marriage counselling. I bet she will say its not necessary and probably put you down for a very healthy, viable solution to your current marriage.
What she is doing is abusive. Threatening to take from you, your Family because she is jealous and insecure that you are happy with a friendship you have???
Even if she refuses, seek individual counselling.
The thing about being married to a bully, a manipulator, an abusive person- is that everytime we comply to unfair and dishonest ULTIMATUMS- we give over control at the expense of righteous happiness and friendship let alone our own voice and rightful opinion and say in the marriage.
COUNSELLING ASAP.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): It sounds like your relationship with your wife is unhealthy as you don't enjoy spending time with her and she just cares that you're physically present but doesn't care about your actual feelings and whether you enjoy the time with her. She is all about control. She must have things done her way. And if you don't like it well tough she still wants you to do things her way.
No wonder you prefer the company of your friend. Because your wife isn't much of a friend to you. And she isn't even interested in trying she just wants you not to have a life of your own. She feels threatened by your friend because she feels robbed of that which she feels she owns - your time. She feels she owns your time by entitlement so she's mad that you have the gall to say she doesn't.
Do not back down. Your marriage is unhealthy (the prior social isolation is another sign its an unhealthy marriage) and your new friendship is the only healthy relationship you have now so you should keep it. If your wife really would leave you over this, then its not the kind of marriage you should be sacrificing healthy friendships for. Its also not healthy to respond to your wife's order with compliance against your will. It reinforces the negativity in your marriage and will build mountains of resentment in you over time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 November 2012):
 With your last two answers it seems like something else is going on with your wife.
Talk to her. Ask her straight out what the problem is. I don't think it's you spending time with your friend I think she is unhappy with her own lack of a social life. If all she does when she gets home is sit on the couch and watch tv/play Kindle no wonder is is green with envy that you have someone to hang out with.
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A
male
reader, Celtic son +, writes (26 November 2012):
Celtic son is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has not prevented me from having friends in the past. But the friends I do have are her family or our work friends we don't see these people on a regular basis and when we do its usually a big gathering which she is a part of, or a quike game of golf on a Sunday. I have no family in America besides her and my 2 boys all my Family and friends are back in Ireland.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (26 November 2012):
Well sounds like her leaving would do you a favor! Kidding...sort of. It does sound like a control type of thing--as an anonymous poster asked, has she stopped you from having friends before since you haven't had a good friend in a long time?
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A
male
reader, Celtic son +, writes (26 November 2012):
Celtic son is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify something my wife said 70% of my time which is incorrect. When I do spend time with him on the weekends its usually after 7 pm sometimes as late as 9 or 10pm my wife goes to bed at 10pm religiously and I spend all day with her and the kids also during the week I see him for 10 minutes each day and my wife is at work during this time. My wife works long hours during the week she gets home around 6.30 I only work until 4 when my wife gets home dinner is always waiting on the table and my kids clean up when we are done my wife then proceeds to the couch and plays on here kindle or watches TV until she goes to bed. spending time with my wife consists of me sitting on the couch talking to myself and watching her play the kindle, I have always been active and liked the outdoors sitting down is the last thing I want to do I told her if there is something else to do besides sit on the couch vegging I am going to do it she told me she shouldn't have to plan an activity for me to spend time with her but I can't help it if watching TV is the last thing I want to do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 November 2012):
You spend 70% with your friend and what 10-20% with the wife and kids and 10% by yourself?
Does that not seem out of balance to you?
Learn to compromise.
Is this the first time she has mentioned you spending more time with your friend then YOUR family? I'm guess she has mentioned it before and nothing changed, hence the ultimatum.
If it hasn't been brought up before , then I think she is WAY out of line to threaten you with divorce.
And honestly, I think it's rather childish of her to try and DICTATE who you can have as friends. To me it sounds like she is either envious of this new friendship or she is a very controlling person who believes it's her "right" to dictate who you can befriend and whom you can't. And that is not a good thing.
As a wife, I have to say - I'm pretty pleased when my husband have good friends, he has lost quite a few over the years. But, he's never chosen to hangout with them so much that I felt neglected.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): Show a bit of compromise for now OP, she's feeling a little neglected so make an extra effort with her and balance things a bit better.
Make one night of that weekend a date night with your wife, to either take her somewhere or treat her to something put in the extra effort with your wife.
Look OP even if she seems like she's being irrational she's had you to herself all these years it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to be usurped by a new neighbour, plus she may feel you're out having great fun while she's stuck at home with the kids.
Now the whole ultimatum thing is way over the top unless she's tried to speak to you about this before and you were dismissive. If that's not the case OP I would definitely talk to her and tell her there's a better way of approaching you about things like this than such massive threats.
Talk to her and tell her you'll definitely make more of an effort with her and find out why she got to a place where she felt the only way was to threaten leaving you. That is a very serious reaction OP. Personally if that came out of nowhere and she didn't have good reason for it I'd tell her to fuck off and take the kids, as I will not be threatened so she can get her own way. You have a very controlling wife if she didn't even talk to you about this first, "non-negotiable"? Be careful here OP, the first proper friend you've had in over a decade and your wife explodes? If she didn't once tell you she felt this way before this then you have massive problems with this woman OP.
If you were a woman and this was a husband who made these threats the lady posters here would be all over him as a controlling abuser.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): Your wife has a point but she has gone way overboard here. In a decent adult relationships, you shouldn't need teenager strops and ultimatums. Talk and compromise are the order of the day.YES, you are spending too much time with this friend. NO, your wife is not wrong to point out the imbalance and ask sensibly that you spend more time with her and your family.BUT, if she has not presumably raised this in an adult fashion with you before and said "Hey, you know, I'm glad you have a good friend, but you're sort of neglecting me/us and I think perhaps you might try and spend a little less time with him and more with us" then she's gone OTT in threatening to leave you straight off the bat.To say you can't speak to him over a whole weekend is ludicrous. What if you bump into him in the street? Are you to ignore him? Why is he your only good friend? Has your wife stopped you having other friends in the past??
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (26 November 2012):
Just apease her for now and then once she's cooled off, then bring up spending more time with your friend (like one day during the weekend, rather than both days). I think she's being pretty silly and extreme from reading your point-of-view, but I'm assuming your friend isn't worth causing a strain on your marriage. So make her happy for now then try for a little more once she gets over herself.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 November 2012):
 If you really do spend 70% of your available time with this friend - instead of your wife - then that IS out of proportion, by my reckoning.....
How about dialing back a little on that time (with your friend) and see if you can find the balance of how you do divide your time??? You can be sure that wifey will appreciate some more of your time.... AND, you may find that a "new" division of your time is perfectly OK with all the parties involved.... It can't hurt....
Good luck....
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