A
male
age
51-59,
*KW
writes:My marriage is in trouble again. My wife had a fling last year with a guy she used to bump into while out clubbing, all very casual, but destructive and hurtful nonetheless. I gradually uncoevered the whole thing, and...I forgave her. She said she really wanetd to start afresh and keep our family together. We have two young children, they are so happy.She promised to cut back on the nights out, getting drunk, all of it. She did...for a while. She started on about accepting her for what she was, this was her thing, so she began to come in really late again, usually around 4.00 am. She's 35, by the way. Also. her friends were different around me, just like when she was cheating.Last week I picked a quiet time when the kids were asleep and got her to own up to anything. She said OK, there is something. Apparently the guy she had the fling with has kept her number and has phoned her several times. She says she loves him! She maintains she has not slept with him since last year, I dont know whether to believe her. I've been very calm about it, no shouting, I even said I could handle an open relationship if thats what she wanted, but never if she slept with him.She kinda agreed with me that it was pointless, he has nothing to offer her, and what he have is still good. Weve spent a lot of money on our house, our kids are so happy, and we do have good times together. We still have sex...and it's really hot, almost like when we first met. Surely theres still something there?What do I do? Do I give her a deadline to choose? Do I leave her to sort it out in her own time? Do I get legal advice now? I gotta admit, Im terrified at the prospect of breaking up our home more than anything else. Its not missing her that would be hard to take, its the whole family setup. Whats next?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DKW +, writes (24 April 2009):
DKW is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice...it's a lot more complicated than I could ever hope to put down in written words but thanks anyway.
A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (23 April 2009):
 A)
First thing you need to do is get a test for STDs that your wife may have contracted Im sure she has only told you part of the story. Love may not be forever, but Herpes is.
B)
So you wanted to forgive her last year. Everything she said to you about fixing things...how she was going to make this all up to you...cheaters care only for themselves and she showed it by lying in wait until your guard was down to start up again. Feel like you are the only one who has ever experienced this? Nope!! lol
c)
Its time to end this marriage. she is unworthy of your love...for she only loves herself. she didnt care about you or her children when she spread her legs for another man.
Yes its going to be hard...but see a solicitor right away and secure your finances. I dont know ow divorces work in the UK but if I were you I would cancel all joint bank accounts you may have and make sure she cant rake you over the coals.
Then make sure you tell all of your friends, and especially her family about what she has done. Cheaters dont understand the gravity of what they have done unless completely shamed. and it appears that you wife will need just that.
Im sorry this happened to you, but no one ever deserves to be cheated on. she didnt have the guts to come to you to attempt to communicate and fix what was wrong in your marriage. dont give her the satisfaction of viewing you as a doormat either. Because thats what she sees you as.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): Well.. her being a mother who stays out to all hours of the night on a consistent basis doesn't bode well for much of anything. She should have left that lifestyle behind when she said "I do", and especially when she started a family with you. "Accept her for who she is"...what a load of bull. She needs to accept some responsibility in your marriage, and start being a role model to her children and easing your fears as only a dutiful and caring wife can. And right now, in my approximation, she isn't doing that. She's keeping you worrying and being generally irresponsible.
The sad truth is if she is out till 4 am every night, getting wasted, then she may have already cheated on you again. People who are liquored up partying like its 1999 don't tend to have very good self control OR willpower, and aren't generally that particularly monogamous.
Now to a point that is just... not good. This whole she loves another man business. That's her coming right out and actually saying something you don't have to guess at. She essentially said the only reason she's staying with you is because of the kids and because of your money. Read between the lines of "She loves him!...he has nothing to offer her".
There are all kinds of red flags here buddy. As to what you should do, I appreciate that you don't want to break up a happy home for your children's sake, but she has already gone well into the territory of doing that herself. I think you should stop letting her justify her behavior and put your foot down. Draw a line in the sand and stand fast. That's the only way she will respect you.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (23 April 2009):
Personally I could not forgive a cheater, but you are not me and you really don't want to break up with her so you'll have to figure something else out.
I would suggest counselling first of all. You need to work out if you can stay together in marriage, or whether you could stay together as a family but not as a couple.
I think she needs some time to figure this out, as she is the one causing the problems here. Tell her you are going to back away from the issue for a while but schedule a counselling appointment for a month's time so she sort of has to make some kind of decision by then.
Above all she HAS to agree to be honest with you. You need to know what is going on in her head.
Good Luck!! xx
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