A
male
age
51-59,
*yclops
writes:I am in my 40's and married. We have 4 children who I adore.We live in a place which is where my wife grew up and where she wanted to live. She lives near to her family and is very close to her mum and sister. I do not really feel like I belong but have no other place that I have a particular connection to.I work office hours whilst my wife has brought up our children. She has done a good job although she is too hard on them and shouts too much. They are mostly now at school which has taken the burden off her somewhat. She does work a bit but also goes to the gym a lot and has had the chance to build up her own social life.At the weekend we try and do family things but Sunday she always goes out with her mum and I am left with the kids and cooking roast dinner etc. During the summer she is also out a lot on Saturdays too.We have a nice house but a large mortgage. She seems in a dream world as to how we are going to pay the mortgage off. My wife just carries on building up her own life and I never seem to get the chance to do the same. We are moving in separate directions and I don't like what the future seems to look like. We have tried talking about it but never really get very far. I am not the best at communicating my feelings. She has a louder voice and never really listens to what I say. I think talking just digs my wife's feet in and she gets more selfish and just thinks of herself more.I have suggested marriage counselling but she isn't keen, presumably because she might have to compromise her lifestyle. I just don't want to always have the bum end of the deal. I feel like there will be a time when I will have to start thinking of me. But it would be a very selfish thing for me to do to break up the family and the implications on our children.Is there anybody out there who has experienced something similar? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, boo22 +, writes (26 March 2010):
 If you're not good at communicating verbally and this is stopping you being heard, try writing your feelings in a letter to her. I find it's really good cos she will have to read and take in what you're saying and can't shout you down.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): I go through the same thing, and it's sad that there are mothers out there who like to neglect not only their husbands, but the kids they wanted to have so much. The only thing you can do is put your foot down, but not by talking, because if your wife is anything like mine, she'll avoid working anything out at all costs, since they don't want to lose any of their freedoms in the process. My wife is abusive also, and shouts and threatens me and cuts me up, and yells at the kids, so I've really had to learn to take care of myself and the kids. Councelling won't work either, since they twisted it on me when I tried to seek marriage councelling, pretending I had to have something to do with why she acts that way, 24/7 with no desire to change. All you can do, if you wish to stay there, is shield your kids by stopping her everytime she shows aggression or constant anger around the kids, and make plans to go out alot, like she does, and take the kids out with you and have fun. If she feels she doesn't have to work, tell her you're possibly going to get your hours slashed in half at work, and don't work as much, chancing everything like she does, since she's playing you and thinks she can make you feel you have to work, even if she doesn't put her time in. This has to happen, until she starts doing her part around home and at work, or you'll end up having a heart attack or dead, and she'll be fit from the gym and live twice as long, and have the house paid off if you die, from the mortgage insurance. She knows that or she wouldn't be taking advantage of you like that. Eventually you'll start to get tired of it and you'll learn not to believe it when she calls you lazy at the same time, and start to be assertive towards her. Don't be afraid of her and the games she's playing. She doesn't spend time around you because she knows she's doing wrong and can't look you straight in the eye and talk because of the guilt, yet she will not ever change unless you start to make her feel the pressure she drives you through everyday. Neglect is no better than abuse, and those types of people will never talk normally or work things out, yet they'll always find time to impress their friends and family and play games to cover their tracks, and people will think they're angels. She's obviously using your kids and mortgage as weapons and leverage, so don't let her, and start to talk to your co-workers and friends around you, all the time, about how she acts, and don't feel ashamed of it, because you'll be surprised how many good tips various people will offer you in how to handle the games she plays, when you're trying to live an otherwise normal, innocent life. That's all the protection and defenses you have...and everytime she threatens you or yells at the kids, document or record it, and then hide it well, so you have it when you very possibly may need it one day, in the courts. It's a very powerful, serious game that she's playing with you, and has nothing to do with love, so you need to start ending her games now, as she'll only get worse and worse everytime you let it go. She also has to do her part, especially since you also have four kids to take care of.
One more important thing to remember,..when she tells you to get lost or threatens to remove you from the house, tell her you're not going anywhere. Never leave your own house, especially if you're doing most of the work and paying for at least half the payment everytime. Don't ever fall for that one. It's bad enough she'll probably try to win custody of the children, but don't give her the house you worked so hard for, too.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (26 March 2010):
Firstly, you are right that there is a problem with your marriage. But you are not stating exactly what changes you would like to see. If this is how you talk to her where you state that she always does this and never does that, that would make her defensive. Why dont you try update this post by stating what exactly you would like her to do, e.g. I want us to spend Saturday afternoons together or I want us to work out together twice a week or whatever you want. Remember it has to be a compromise, you can't expect her to change every little thing. Once you have decided what you want, you seem to write pretty well so why dont you write her a letter and she can read everything you have to say without cutting you off with her clever arguments. If after you have tried and still failed, dont rush for a divorce; try a month separation to shake things up and get both you and her thinking about the relationship. Maybe you have both been in a routine for so long that you are now taking each other for granted so a brief, even one week apart might be all you need to reach her.
On the issue of being too hard on the kids, I wouldn't worry about that. I am hard on my kids and so were my parents on me and that's probably why your kids are wonderful. As long as she isnt screaming at you like she does the kids, just leave this one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): Pack the children off to her mum and sister. And take your wife away for a week. And really talk to her. I know some men find it hard to express themselves with words. But if you want your voice to be heard, im afraid you will have to make the effort and explain how you feel....in no uncertain terms. Tell her you are reaching the point of separation. That should grab her attention. Then politely tell her to shut up before she gets started...and tell her exactly how you REALLY feel. No one else can do this for you.
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