A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:When the slightest little thing goes wrong, my wife starts cussing, yelling, stomping her feet, biting her lip, clenching her fists, and overall just pitching a fit. The other morning she knocked over a basket full of small items all over the floor. She used to throw and break things, but at least that has stopped. This upsets me. She say it is not directed at me, but that sort of doesn't matter from my perspective. I can hear her in the next room screaming at the top of her lungs and cursing like a sailor. I have to help her clean up afterwards if she's made a mess or destroyed something.I used to ask: "What's wrong?" but now it is more like: "WTF is wrong now? STFU already!" That anger just rubs off on me and I am tired of it. I have a lot of resentment.What really makes me angry is that these are not big things. All I hear is how "awful" and "terrible" everything is and lots and lots of four letter words. Today I heard a lot of yelling and screaming and cursing - the types of curses that would make a sailor blush - and it was because the clothes washer was off-balance and so a load of laundry didn't wash properly! That's it! My wife clearly has anger management issues and some sort of psychological problems, but I am not sure what. She has always been a little bit like this, but it has been getting worse and worse. She needs treatment, but forgetting her for a moment what can *I* do for myself? Is the only solution to leave? I think about that a lot. Who has a spouse who yells at the top of her lungs and bites herself because a load of laundry needs to be redone? This may be more mental illness than I am prepared to deal with even though I do care for her. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2021): I would suggest that this sort of behaviour is not abuse if it is being carried out in another room and aimed at inanimate objects. That's just someone in an out of control rage at everyday life. I get like that sometimes when my workload is just too much and something goes wrong, because I'm exhausted. I live on my own though, so it doesn't affect anyone else. I shout at things sometimes just to let off steam and I'm not mentally ill, just stressed!Why is your wife so stressed? Ask her this instead of just asking 'what's wrong?' along with swearing at her. Ask her at a time when she's not tense and screaming though. I am through the menopause but I still have a cycle going on, recognisable because of a migraine, spots and an unquenchable rage. God it feels horrible and it's worse now than it ever was. I understand that this must affect you. The environment one lives in affects us all. I have to wonder though, along with YCBS, how do your angry outbursts help? Ask her calmly when she is calm, why she is so angry and what can you do to help? If she can't discuss this matter calmly with you and work at a way of improving things (going to a nutritional therapist would be my suggestion to get treatment for the menopause which could be the culprit), then you may have to consider telling her that you can't live in this volatile atmosphere anymore.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2021): I'm going to hazard a guess you didn't date long before you married her and now it has sunk in that potentially you have this for life.
I disagree that she is being abusive towards you, but her anger issues will clearly impact on you and that is inexcusable.
If I was in your shoes I would sit down with her and explain that this simply cannot go on, her behaviour is actually also childlike and you need to lay it down on the line and say she needs to calm down, learn coping strategies which can be done by watching videos online or looking up ways to readjust her behaviour, tips and advice, if that fails she needs to seek professional help.
I also agree that you need to also discuss calmly and rationally if you could do more to relieve her stress, ask yourself honestly if you help her enough and while it is becoming difficult for you try and talk to her calmly AFTER her tantrum has subsided, don't speak to her in obvious annoyance when she is having a meltdown, it could actually be partly triggering her more.
I know it's hard and I feel for you but if you love her address it but in your shoes long term if she won't change her behaviour I would be thinking of leaving
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2021): If over 40, menopause is likely the cause! Not to rule-out a bad temper that she can't control. Menopause is just another log thrown on the burning fire!
The problem with being around toxic angry-people is that their caustic behavior does rub-off; or it causes emotional-distress and/or psychological-trauma in the people closest to them. It's abusive-behavior, directly and indirectly. You'll get caught in the crossfire, or the fallout!
You'll find yourself displaying outbursts, short-tempered, and feeling a lot of internal aggression. It's as though her angry demons jumped into you! You will also develop anxiety and nervousness. It's a slow erosive process.
I know you're tough, but even hard substances like steel and stone will crack, bend, or break under enough pressure.
You might be a very strong-guy, but brother, you're only human! All things wear-out or breakdown over time. You can also speed-up the process of wear and tear! The scary part is when subtle changes occur in your own behavior that you're not even aware of.
The changes in your own behavior might be noticeable to others; or affecting people around you. Trust me, if you've been around this caustic woman a long-time, it shows!
Unless somebody tells you; it may get progressively worse! You wouldn't want that to be your boss; or worse, your children! If you can see it in your wife, others will see it in you as well! Do you have to apologize for her a lot? If you have children, and she has always been this way. It's no doubt they've been affected too! Don't assume they're okay, just because they haven't said something! They love her as you do, and may just dismiss it, as just the way she is. They'll grow-up and leave. You don't get to leave without a divorce, or you're in a coffin!
Do you find yourself stiff with tension while you're out together? Hoping and praying she doesn't lose-it, and have one of her anger-fits in public? Everyone slips, and we might cuss a little. It's a problem when every little annoyance provokes a string of expletives and verbal-diarrhea that would stun a drunken sailor like a taser gun! I mean, Tourrets Syndrome is the only known disorder people swear like that and have no control!
You don't have to divorce your wife. I guess that depends on what she's willing to do about it herself, and how much she values your love for her. If she is willing to see a therapist for anger management and aggressive behavior; you'll be able to work things out. Pray for God's help and guidance. Even if that's not your thing!
If she refuses to do anything about her behavior, I wouldn't rule-out leaving her. Angry-people change the atmosphere in the room. You can't reason with them. They are an embarrassment in social situations. They can't be trusted alone with children.
People who break things are capable of committing physical violence. Yes, she just might decide to make you a target. Something flying through the air could hit you! Whether it was intentional, or not!!! Either-way, it's violence!!!
If you had a stroke, or suddenly became physically-incapacitated, would she be the one you'd want to take care of you? If you were seriously ill, and became incontinent and soiled yourself; or if you spilled things a lot, because you've lost coordination. Would she cheerfully clean it up, or assist you?
Think ahead, brother! Consider all probabilities. She's the woman you're supposed to be growing old with! The older and more frail you get, the less patience she's going to have with you!
People we love who have serious mental-health issues, or problems with their tempers, have to seek professional help; and they should also pursue spiritual-guidance and counseling from their faith and worship leadership. If she's always throwing fits of anger, her soul has no peace. If she grew-up in a family who practiced faith and worship; maybe it's time she returned to finding spiritual-peace for her soul. By returning to a good church, or following the path back to her chosen faith and belief. It would do you both some good.
If she loves you, and she wants to stay married; I guess you have to hand her the ultimatum. Get help, or leave her! She's going to put you in an early grave! You can't internalize and absorb this toxicity, and stay healthy yourself.
Apart from aging and hormonal-changes from natural change-of-life in this phase of her womanhood; you need to get some peace and serenity back into your home and marriage. You have to take charge, if it is evident she has lost control. You are an enabler, when you sit-back and just complain; but you're not proactive in encouraging her to fulfill her responsibility to maintain peace and harmony in your marriage. You've been too intimidated, or shy; because you don't want to see her throw one of those "Regan" scenes out of the Exorcist! Spinning her head on her neck, and covering you in pea-soup!
It's time to sign-up for anger-management therapy. She should get a complete and thorough physical-examination. Sometimes people have undetected brain tumors, or underlying medical issues that have not been diagnosed by their doctors. Their behavior can go-on for years; while the undetected malady just worsens.
If you believe in God, it's time for both of you to pursue the avenue of faith and worship. It will change her, and the atmosphere in your home. Don't roll your eyes, unless you're an unbeliever! If you are, then you'll have to stick to science; and that requires that she see a doctor, and get treatment for her physical and mental-health. The tantrums have to stop!!!
Ultimately, it may also require you to seek a divorce; if she refuses to do anything about her behavior. You can't live this way forever. It's so bad, it drove you here to us at DC!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 April 2021):
 I agree with FA
Abuse is abuse. She isn't going to change. This is who she is. If she knows this is "bad behavior" but hasn't sought help to STOP it ON HER own, she isn't going to for you.
Leave, divorce, and find a HEALTHY partner.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (1 April 2021):
 Abuse is abuse. You need to stop excusing her behavior. Just GTFO
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (1 April 2021):
 Your wife sounds very stressed out. Having to re-wash a load of laundry may seem like a little thing to someone who is just watching from the sidelines and not doing it. However, what seems like an insignificant little thing to you may just be the proverbial "straw which breaks the camel's back" to someone who is already busy.
I have to wonder, do you help out around the house? Do you do your fair share of chores?
Given your age, and assuming your wife is of a similar age, is it possible she is going through the menopause? That in itself can make some women very emotional and tetchy.
As for the language, it's only words. Sometimes "gosh" and "darn" just don't cut it. If she is stressed out, then swearing is obviously how she lets off steam. I wonder why you take it personally when it is not aimed at you? Is it perhaps the volume, more than the words, which affect you?
You say that she is getting worse, but you also say that she has stopped breaking things in temper. Is she really getting worse or is your tolerance level just getting lower as you get tired of putting up with her temper?
Intriguing that you fail to see the irony in stating that her anger rubs off on you but see nothing wrong with asking her "WTF" is wrong and telling her to "STFU". Do you not think your anger rubs off on her as well? If I may make a suggestion here: have you tried just waiting until she calms down, then trying to make light of the situation, such as saying something like "woopsie" or acknowledging that what has happened is "pants"? Perhaps a little empathy might help? If you have already tried this approach and it hasn't worked, then fair enough. However, getting angry with someone whose anger is already out of control is counterproductive.
If you have really reached the end of your tether, then you need to sit your wife down when she is calm and tell her, plainly and bluntly, that you cannot live like this any longer and that, if she does not try to get help, you will have to leave for the good of your own mental health.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2021): Divorce her if there are no reasons stopping you from doing so such as young kids or other finacial or health issues. You only live once so why live it in constant misery. I don't think anyone would tolerate such behavior and probably it is also best for her to live alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2021): Hi
Run as fast as you can unless she is diagnosed with some sort of mental illness, then you have the know how resources to support her and help her cope.
If however she is just a bad tempered character then I could not put up with that behaviour. People can only deteriorate if it is not dealt with and your own mental health will suffer.
I would definitely have a serious talk with her and get to the bottom of her anger problem, get her to seek help or leave until she does. She must be suffering herself living like this and this amount of stress and anger will eventually physically damage her health.
Not something anyone should have to live like on either side.
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