A
male
age
51-59,
*ldorado
writes:Hi,I am 41 years old and my wife is 40.We have 7 children and been together for 24 years,20 of those married.Over the last couple of years it has been tough going,I would work all day,kids would play her up after school,I would come home and moan at kids for playing her up etc etc.Then we end up arguing,we always promised we would do more as a family and make up.But after about a week,we seemed unintentionally to slip back into the same routine.I admit I can be a very jealous type and I have been a complete idiot at times,accusing her of this and that,when in hindsight its my own insecurities that are the problem,I just could not see why this fantastic lady would want to be with me.To bring you up to date,I am now at my sisters house and have been for the last week, she says it was like living in a bubble and she needed space,after a lot of soul searching I see exactly what she means,but I think she has made her mind up,she says her feelings have changed and she cannot live with me anymore.This is completely tearing me apart,I wanted her to come to counselling but no matter what I suggest,she says no one can make her change her feelings.I understand that but at least we may have some other things to try that we had not thought of.I love her to bits,she wanted space so thats why I moved out,hoping to give her the space she wanted.I go to see the kids and it breaks my heart to leave each time.What can I do?
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jealous, moved out, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Eldorado +, writes (9 August 2008):
Eldorado is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStill here! Well 2 weeks now been apart and still in a constant daze.I have tried to talk to her every day but just the same "feelings wont change".
Just not used to this roller coaster of emotions,how can she say it`s too late to change anything,it`s never too late surely.We learn from our mistakes,I certainly know I was wrong in the past and willingly hold my hand up to my faults.
Just can`t believe that after all this time it`s gone.Many sleepless nights and tears have been and gone,but sure there are plenty more to come.........
A
male
reader, Eldorado +, writes (3 August 2008):
Eldorado is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi just an update if anyone still watching!
Well been a week since I have been gone,seen the kids everyday,taken them out places.(I do realise I never spent time with them like I should have).
Wife still says that she cannot change her feelings,but I get the feeling its more of WONT instead of CANT.Had many nights of tears and wondering etc.I think I need to accept its over,but its so bloody hard!!!
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A
male
reader, Eldorado +, writes (1 August 2008):
Eldorado is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your responses,I do want to end this situation as quickly as possible,and perhaps that is part of my problem,she may say something that I end up interpreting as "another chance" and latch onto that like a dog with a bone.I tell myself to back off,but then feel if left alone long enough she may just get used to the idea.That sounds selfish put that way,but i`m sure you understand what i`m trying to say.Thank you again,and will let you know how things turn out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): Ah, welcome to the club of Faded Love!
Check out the marriagebuilders site, first see do the tour of basic concepts,
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html
then check out what is said on dealing with a withdrawn spouse:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3620_state.html
Emilyanswers is right, you need to just keep being good as you can despite everything. It took you years to get to this point where your wife no longer cares for you, and it may take you years to get out of it. Impatient pestering her to forgive you right away can be only another negative action, so just accept the fact that this is going to take a lot of time.
But the good thing is that you can but take it one step at a time. Be loving to those kids. Be understanding, not jealous or accusing even if she ends up dating other men. I know that's a really tough order, but since your controlling ways and jealousy helped drive your wife away, you have to show that you are willing and able to change. Even if she believes that she can throw 24 years away, she can't. One day, she'll feel wistful for the good times in your old life together. You have got to prepare the ground for that day.
She won't go to marriage counseling with you? Then go all by yourself. You are obviously aching to do whatever you can to end this situation as quickly as possible, so you might as well take action. Use this time to learn how to be a better husband and human being, how to communicate, how to stop annoying habits, and how to deal with your insecurities.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Eldorado +, writes (1 August 2008):
Eldorado is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply,and I think you are right about chances and resentment.Just so hard to accept that all I have ever known for 24 years is gone.I just cant get my haed around the fact that she is so hell bent on not trying one more time,but I suppose,to her it just "another chance".I have been there for her and kids over recent weeks,but my answer is always the same,her feelings have changed and nothing can change them.-
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (1 August 2008):
I'm afraid that in her mind you have probably had lots of chances.
The accusations and the lack of change have probably built up into a huge ball of resentment.
You need to do something spectacular to prove that you love her and can change and will not slip back into a routine that makes her miserable.
It has to be something from the heart and it could be a huge gesture, or it could just be really doubling your efforts to look after the kids and do family things and give her some time to see you can be the man she wants.
In the end though if the damage has already been done then it may just be too late.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, Eldorado +, writes (1 August 2008):
Eldorado is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust as an extra note,on New Years Day,i found out that she had been texting an old neighbour of ours,she says that because of my jealous ways,she could not have said beforehand that she was talking to him without me becoming more jealous.I understand in a way but this has happened again since this incident,when we were supposed to be making a go of it.My biggest fear,is that I feel I already know the outcome of our relationship.If there is anything I can do to save it then I will,I am thinking of hypnotherapy to help me.I have told her this time I mean business,but also fear I have left it too late....
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