A
male
age
51-59,
*-tom
writes:Well here it is, I made a Huge mistake by meeting someone on the internet and it went way farther than i expected it to go anyway she found out about it and eventually i admitted to everything, i did cheat and am Very Sorry for it its been about 6 months now and she just went on a long vacation by herself, when i would call her she acted very weird and when she returned was the same way she then told me she had met a man and he was perfect and then told me she kissed him and slept with him after my reactions she later said she only told me she slept with him to pay me back and make me hurt the way she did, but she still says they connected and they did kiss and cuddle, i dont know what to believe or what to do she wanted to seperate for a while to see if we came back to each other and i didnt really agree with that we been married 17 years what should i do??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): As was said below, your wife is still in deep pain over your affair and she's floundering. Judging from your last line, I see that you do believe that when a person has been in a 17 year marriage, they don't just roll over, give up and leave. They fight hard for their marriage. But listen, you have a hurt wife, and it's likely your marriage has stagnated a bit long before your infidelity. Now all this needs to be repaired. You both have hurt each other and are drifting, but there is hope. You can rekindle that love you once had , but you both need to do some work on yourselves, first. So...learn to believe in your wife and learn to believe in yourself. This is the only way back to gaining what has been lost here and that is...the trust.
First of all, realize 90% of the woman out there are wonderful, loving, devoted gals. She kissed a guy and cuddled him but nothing more happened. I believe her. Why? Because she hurts so bad means she loves you, so much. She was deeply hurt by your affair. And usually when a woman loves her man, and has been a loyal partner, she gets angry, she tests the waters, by flirting with some guy who probably means nothing to her. . Also, added to that, you don't mention that she has ever did this before, to you. Has she always been a good, loyal wife up until now? When a woman is pained, like she still is, she is looking for ways to lash out at you. She also needs to know she is desirable to men. Both of you have to stop damning each other. All that is doing is creating a big huge chasm here. So you can make a choice. Believe her..... or not.
So firstly, stop looking for ways to mistrust her. She married 'you' because she loves you. Trust yourself to know you made the wise decision, 17 years ago, to marry her. Now start honoring that decision and stop the self-defeating torture you are putting yourself through. A reconnection is possible. It will take talking, connecting and more talking. . It will take time and perseverence and a total change of attitude for both of you. The only way...marriage counseling. You both need to make each other feel loved, appreciated and adored. You need to rebuild what you both shared many years ago through understanding, devotion, sensitivity and patience. If she's not feeling the closeness, the caring and understanding from you, then she's not going to respond . If one of you doesn't at least try, you both will just keep stagnating. Life is just too short to spend it so unhappily. You sincerely sound like you love her want and you to to do all you can to improve your marriage. Then get the ball rolling-stop the standoff and get proactive. Your wife doesn't have ESP.... you have to communicate in a loving..way-what you need from her. Start with asking for her forgiveness. Then call the counselor. That will be a positive first step. Good luck, dear and keep us posted on how you both do.
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