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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife of 9 years has recently got back in touch with an ex-boyfriend. She admitted a few weeks later to having been on a date with him, but insists nothing happened. However, she felt she could talk to him about everything, and that she was fed up with me not wishing to hear about her previous relationships. I said she could be more open if she wanted to, but she has now admitted that she was very promiscuous when she was in her twenties. Before we got married she said sho only had a handful of boyfriends. I've only had a few short term girlfriends before I met her. I feel betrayed. I do still love her, but have difficulty accepting her past, which she doesn't appear to be ashamed of.
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male
reader, Emerald2000  +, writes (29 September 2009):
Dump her.
Who wants to be with a slut? C'mon man!
You can believe the rest of this drivel or you can come to terms with the truth. Her promiscuous past disgusts you. And that is okay. You didn't sign up for that. She told you she was a good girl and she lied. Would you have married her if you knew what a slut she was? No way.
Dump her and build your life around someone that you can respect...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): for heavens sake grow up! you either love her or you don't. She chose you for who you are - surely you chose her for who she is? Morally dubious - yes - criminal no! Get a grip!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2006): The bottom line is any woman who slept around so much is damaged goods. Normal people just dont do that. Everyone has peaking sexual hormones in their early twenties yet I'd say most people can control themselves instead of behaving like freakin animals.
Sure there are lots of reasons why a woman may have acted that way but the bottom line is they made the choice.
And they have an obligation to tell the truth about these things to the man they will marry so he can decide if he wants used goods or to search for something better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2006): You ARE justified in your feelings. Dont let anyone invalidate your feelings. The people who do that are morally wretched anyway.
Its like buying a car they tell you is low milage only to find out the odometer has been turned back 100,000 miles and its been rebuilt.
Its deception and false pretenses.
Your wife wanted a decent good person unlike the players who used her for her vagina.
She should have told the truth and let you decide.
Now you are dealing with the pain and shame of a woman who let herself be used opening her legs for the masses unstead of guarding and reserving her most personal, intamate self, her life giving force for a man who would respect her and treat her right.
Good luck man, I suffer the same situation.
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (10 July 2006):
 What has she to be ashamed of. It is a past.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): Thank you Yos for your explanations - it's so reassuring to hear that others have been in my situation. We haven't really spoken about it properly since she brought the subject up - she only mentioned it again in passing a week later as though to ask 'so are you okay with my past?'. I don't really want to dig further into the issue as I'm afraid more things I don't want to hear come out. I certainly don't want her to feel ashamed. I agree the real issue is my response to the problem. It has stirred up unwelcome feelings of paranoia and jealousy. She obviously lied about it before we got married, perhaps to avoid losing me, which is one of the worst things about it. However, I'm hoping I will eventually come to terms with the issue, although it still occupies my mind an unhealthy amount of the time! I thought we had such a good marriage, and still don't know why this suddenly had to come to the surface to unbalance things.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 July 2006):
 You need to be careful. These situation can spiral out of control and completely destroy an otherwise sound relationship. If it starts eating into your trust and treatment of her many problems can arise.
Pete has given some good advice on the issue of shame. I would add that this issue can be a lot more complex than it seems. It is very possible that as a means to 'grow out of' her previous behaviour, she has had to deal with personal issues to do with her self esteem and insecurity. This can involve coming to terms with her past behaviour, accepting it and not judging it as 'wrong'. Learning to love yourself, so to speak. To do this can be healthy, it can release someone from a vicious circle of guilt, regret and self-recrimination.
In other words, whilst deep down she could be ashamed, on higher levels she is not, nor will she admit to her shame. To admit shame might take her back to the place she was before, a place she may not want to go back to (quite reasonably so).
I have been in your situation. It was incredibly difficult and painful for me (it triggered severe jealousy). For a long time my girlfriend would angrily defend her past behaviour, and aggressively defend it as unimpeachable. Stuff like "I'd get a t-shirt printed with what I've done printed on it, I don't care" for example. It wasn't easy. However, over time, things became much more nuanced. It turned out (pretty much as I describe above) that whilst she was not proud of her past, she also did not want to dwell on it or dig into the shame she used to feel, as it would just be damaging. That in the past she had felt terrible shame, that it took a great deal of effort to get past that, and having done so she does not want to go back. That understanding made a huge difference to me, along with admitting to her that I did truly need for her to see certain parts of her past as 'immoral' in some sense, and that I was placing a judgement on her. Some would say I was being unreasonable, I think I was just recognising what I needed in order to cope.
The moment when things started to really improve for me (and I'm not 100% through it yet) was when I recognised that the primary issue was MY issue, not hers. It is easy in this situation to focus entirely on 'the other person', and for the whole 'problem' to revolve around them. What 'she' did, what 'she' thinks, and so on. In fact, the issue is really your issue... how YOU feel about her, and what YOU do about it. Truly taking this on board (rather than just playing lip service to it) was the first real step to a solution for us.
Best of luck. If you want more advice or help please PM me or post here. I've spent the last 6 months of my life dealing with this issue and I do appreciate how unsettling and painful it can be.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2006): Thank you so much for the sound advice. Unfortunately I do get the impression she's not ashamed in any way and clearly has different moral standards in that respect. I was shocked when she came out with it, over a romantic dinner of all the times to choose, and really wish it isn't true. Perhaps she was trying to wind me up, because she knows I'm sensitive about her past relationships. She thinks we have to be open about everything, but some things I'm sure are best left unsaid! I have job insecurities at present and am now worried she'll drift back to her old ways. However, I'm tyring to look on the positive side, taking note of the fact she's chose to marry me, and has been faithful as far as I can see since we met. I've just lost alot of love and respect for her which I once had.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): With 9 years in to a marriage it is quite worrying that your wife needs to talk about her past relationships and to go to her ex makes it even more so worrying.
If she has issues she needs to deal with, she would be better to speak to a professional. What would she say to that?
I get the feeling it would probably do more harm than good if she were to open up to you, and on the same account, you are right about now wishing to know about her past relationships.
Having a "very" promiscuous past is an indication of insecurity. With you having known her for so long, you must already see this, and know a lot about her past that may have caused it.
Personally I think you are in your rights to tell her to break contact with her ex, and concentrate on your marriage. If she has issues, speak to a professional, and stop playing the "my husband doesn't understand me" card with an ex. It's not fair on you, and it's not fair on the 9 years you have spent together.
Last - whether or not she should be ashamed of her past is a very contentious issue. From your view, from someone who has only had a few short-term girlfriends (and presumably none or very little one night stands) it is understandable why you would view promiscuity as shameful/disgusting/dirty. My feeling is your wife probably does feel the same way, but perhaps she is not consciously aware of that right now. Having the need to talk about her past a decade on would support this; that she has unresolved issues regarding her past. The best thing I advice is what I have already said; get her to speak to a professional; and in the meanwhile, try not to make her feel like she should be ashamed, or that you are disgusted with her past. Ideally she'll come to see things how you do, but if not, you'll have to accept that your wife has a different set of beliefs regarding her promiscuity. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
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