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*oadkill
writes: I have a wife of 22 years who i felt was my selected partner forever. We have children in high school and college. About five years ago i took this new job that require i spend a lot of time traveling. She has been working as a manager locally and has a client that is very close. Two years ago he gave her an office for free for a year...but i never supsected. Last year our computer crashed and as i was rebuilding the hard drive i found a serious amount of email from him to her. Included in the email were pictures describing the physical acts he wanted and her email included her replies. I confronted her with this and she said it would stop right then. Well I believed that but recently another check has shown all that was a lie. Her cell phone is unreachable, her time is uncharted,her work with him is longer and it all takes place when i'm gone. yesterday 11/18/2006 I found more porn email and really sticky replies. How do i handle this ???? Do i tell everyone everthing? Do i confront him? How about his wife? She might like to know too. please take a moment...let me know..
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): this is not good.i too suspect my wife is having an affair , usual signs, working overtime but not showing on payslip,new underwear.you need to ask youself what you are getting from this relationship.do you want it to continue.if you do then you need to let your wife know that this CANNOT AND WILL NOT CARRY ON like this if she wishes to remain with you. if she loves you,yuou both then need to see a marriage guidance counsellor and take things from there. she must leave THAT JOB as it is part of the problem and you must spend more time with your wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): Hello from the two week lady - I keep checking this quesiton and waiting to know how roadkill is doing these days? Things are progressing very slowly but in the right direction for me - I think so most of the time and I do feel much happier these days - I am following what my head is telling me is the right thing to do ...does not always feel what is in my heart... how are you doing?? You answers helped me so mch at the most difficult time for me thankyou.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): From the two week lady - what a diference a day makes - my husband has had a change of heart and tonight we made progress with trying to work things out - we had a very good bottle of wine and a nice meal that I cooked and just talked a lot better with each other - he is willing to try again with me from today - feel such a relief - hope we can make a good marriage again - realise it will be up and down but at least we are both trying now...
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2007): From the two week lady - thankyou again roadkill - your thoughts help me a lot but you didnt say how your situation is going now - I hope there is improvement? Next update is after I have with great relief returned to our home - the last three weeks were torture for me - i needed to get to speak to my husband and couldnt but now I have I feel he has moved further away from me - maybe I should have dropped everyone else and come back earlier but I didnt get any encouragement from him. I see things so clearly now - where we went wrong, how badly I behaved and how this caused him to move away from me - I hurt him so badly - I want so much to start again with him - I feel we would be so good if we could both try - the problem now is my husband has enjoyed having sex outside our marriage and has to be sure he can be faithful to me if he recommitts to me - he needs to decide how he wants his future life to be and if it includes me or not _ I have to give him the time to do this - he is carrying on his affair until he makes up his mind - he cannot say if he loves me anymore or even if he wants to try again with me - so I have to be patient and try to show him that I really mean what I say - time to be patient and hope .....
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Buddy, That sucks for you. 22 years is a long time and you are obviously hurt. Tell everyone and do what you need to do. You are the victim and you should do what you think is right. If that means leaving your wife (I would have already left her the first time)then do so. You don't need someone who obviously doesn't respect you or your marriage lying to you.
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reader, roadkill +, writes (31 December 2006):
roadkill is verified as being by the original poster of the question"THIS IS TO TWO WEEK LADY"*********
Regrets that Christmas didn't work out as planned, so many times the plan of Holidays turns into something less. This mess that we all exists in has little to offer when our ,supposed, best part of the year goes so wrong. However lets look at what we do have not at what we don't have. Yes we don't have that special person there but i bet there were other special persons around. You can be a giver to them ,children ,relatives or perhaps someone that never expected to get anything from YOU might get a little extra time. Perhaps a game could be played where you are always the winner of course there are no other players and you make up all the rules so instanstantly you become the winner. What a great television show this would make "Who wants to be a Winner?" of couse it would not last long because all the money would be spent the first night . I think that all of us would get very board with continous wins with goals so easily satisfied that we only wished they would come true and before our wish was done it would be so. I do wish that your husband would come around to his senses and see that what he has the better of all the best things in his life but many times no matter what we do wishing want get it for us.
You asked the question of why these things happen to us in our lives. Is it the same reason that if we drop our car keys they will surely fall into a crack and become unreachable, or perhaps just before the job interview we spill a huge amount of cheap cologne on our sleeve. Or has this ever happened to you ? Go to a meeting and cant find the papers you know where there only a few minutes ago. Worse yet when life is threatened in your family why is it always the one you loved the most. Your question of how could this be happening to me? Has been asked by every person living or at least will be asked. It is ours to ask and ours to obtain answers to.
"You also ask can we be happy and you would think we would learn after so many years???" I say of course YOU can and will you learn this secret of happiness ,NO !After all it would not be a secret anymore if we actually learned the answer. The mystery lies in the pursuit. Your pursuit is as much a secret as mine and between the two of us all the sharing of information in the world would not pull them closer together. So " two week lady" i charge you with a job, to go out among the holders of the secret of happiness and find your niche. Be patient ,be understanding ,be wary be yourself. Have a VERY good New Year. Here in Texas We all have black eyed peas for good luck. You might try these for new years day never can tell it just might be the very thing that changes it all..let me know if it is ,next year I'll eat a gallon..Sincerly RoadKill
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): Hello from the two week lady - again thankyou roadkill so much for the in depth thoughts about my situation. To give you an update - I am afraid it is not going well - to start we could not spend Xmas together as we had booked flights to opposite sides of the world - many plans been made that could not be easily changed - so I ended up hoping that daily phone calls would keep us in touch and we could work on re-establishing our good relationship - went well mostly but then if the conversation strayed to "us" it went badly. My husband will be back home soon alone for a weeks holiday without me but near to the woman he has the affair with. I asked him if it was better for me to be there but there was no encouragement rather the conversation deteriorated to the point where he said that talking to me was spoiling his holiday - I feel very hurt - I know we are both to blame for past mistakes that have led to our bad situation now but at least I have come full circle and am willing to do whatever it takes to get us back on track.. I think we are suffering a bad case of bad timing - we are out of sync but it is so hard to accept this situation. After a year of stressful emotions I need to sort out a peace of mind soon and it is only getting more hurtful now. I know I should be patient and give him the space and freedom to see where his realtionship with this (his words) unsuitable woman goes.. but it is so hard... what I hate the most is his refusal to talk to me about us - I know that is partly as he does not know his mind and does not want to say the wrong thing to me but I feel my pride is hurt that after 20 years of no questions about being able to call him anytime I am now being told almost not to call.. so muy reaction is bugger you I wont call and let him get on with his affair but i will probaby be so rereatful of that attitude in a days time... he is saying he needs to talk with me when we get together at our home again in about 10 days time - he says he needs to understand things said and things that have happened and see how he feelds before he can say that he will try to work on out marriage again - me in the meantime has decided that we must try there is too much to lose - why does life put us through these hells? WiIl we be happier stronger people for having suffered these emotinal traumas?? Why dont we learn more about how to deal with relationships so that at least by the time we reach 50 we know how to be happy?
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reader, roadkill +, writes (14 December 2006):
roadkill is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the flowers "TWO WEEK LADY". I have never been much on giving or getting advise. Bumperpool and my life have a lot in common. "One more bounce off the rail please" is generally my motto.
I see you spoke with the other half of the situation and you and he have decided to take more time. Time to make a decision. This is always the best measure of a relationship ,that is how much time it takes to mend. I think of an old growth redwood which has a hole in it for cars to go through. The tree finds ,in the small area left, a way to make itself grow and last past time itself. I know my marriage has gotten better because i took the time . If another analogy of marriage was used one might wiegh the amount of time spent against the strength of the bond. Surely the stronger the marriage the more time it will require. We all value our time , i know i do........... ,there another second has slipped by and I am older ,perhaps wiser? Who knows what's right around the corner when it comes to time. Tommorrow could be the day that marks the best day of your life. The best day in your lives. If time was not used for hope, planning ,gathering courage or daydreaming about a better way. What would time be used for? I think you get my point . In time we will know . Time is the great healer. My grandmother, who was always there for me said that "It is a long road that has no turns ,in time a curve you will pass". She was right now that i have time to think about it. I can see that i spent some extra moments of time repairing a good thing when it comes to MY marriage. I Wish this was lendable time for you and your husband . As well as all, who would stop and listen.
Take time to let me know how it does work out.
Have a very merry Christmas and a happy holiday!!!
Roadkill.........wed dec 13,8:43pm
"Do good work"....Garrison Kealor
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2006): To Roadkill - Thankyou so much for your very special and again carefully considered advice - I agree with all that you say and appreciate very much your completely different perspective the situation and it gives me a lot of valuable advice to work on - which I will thankyou so much. I will update in the new year afer the holidays when I hope things will be better for us all - how is the situation going for the other guy who asked for help? Merry Xmas and hopes for a happier new year to you too. The two week lady.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2006): From the two week lady - everything much better today - we talked last night about what we liked about each other and we were both so upset about the way things were heading that we decided we will give each other more time to think about our relationship and not try to discuss things again till after Xmas - we both feel much better about this plan - we both hope we can work out our marriage although there is still a long way to go. I think this shows my 20 year marriage has a bond that even when everything is as bad as it could be there is a solid base to appreciate - I know last year my husband took everything I did for granted, let his guard down, did not pay enough attention to me and that was the start of our problems - afterwards when I went into a crisis state and caused our marriage much bigger problems I was not able to realise what I had got until faced with the reality of separation. I hope this sheds some light for others.
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reader, roadkill +, writes (11 December 2006):
roadkill is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am always at a new beginning , after 56 years of restarts nothing is that new to me .
I write this to the lady with the mutiple anon's and is at whits end. As she sees it she never expected him to find another. This advice is from a man (me) and is given without any more understading of the problem ,than that, which you thumbnailed. So for what it is worth,here goes.
I feel many times that when my wife acts bad i must punish her or dole out some form of response that will send the message to her that what she did is not to my liking. In the heat of the moment i have said things that i only wish i could retract, however words spoken are lost to time. In many cases all i needed to do was to get a clear picture of the problem and see that my position of anger was not at all what i wanted ,but due to my "MAN" view i couldn't say i was hurt. I couldn"t say to her Honey i LOve you and this is killing me to think of you with another!! So instead i drew upon "MAN" training and put up a front that was hard , aggressive , cold and to the point. Black and white. you hurt me now i'll hurt you. If only i could have said, what i want is to hear you say "I"M SoRRY" then i could have said "I accept" and it all could have been over. Sounds just to simple though doesnt it. Well its pretty easy to be sincere if you want to. If you want to save your marriage and it sounds like you do. Try being sincere by saying I'm sorry. So maybe its not your fault..It still may be the "out" he needs to get out of that "Man" think mode. All my life my dad told me to be tough and never back down ..thats good advice in many things but in a bind with your wife a guy can be swayed by his moods just like anyone else. Even the real tough guys.
You say he will be more clear after the Christmas holidays well do your best to make this Christmas a kick off to a new year of discovery of the new you and him. Don't let him and you spend this time seperated. Christmas is a time for bonding of the family unit. ASk him to include you..tell him he is included in your plans ...maybe he will get the idea. if not be blunt say this" I want you to be around for Christmas" dont say please!! dont ask him to try!! dont say can you make it?? BE a little more aggressive. Men understand people who know what they want. "i want you" etc...... easy huh!!
Just one last thing the other woman???? What is she to him be realistic..is she 5'7" 135 and perfect??? i doubt it. She probably is just another person who is slightly lonely and is collecting his emotions like shells along the beach. When the next tide washes in she has a new choice of shells .. Dont compete on the same planes .. be above those she occupies. TRy to find a common ground from the past you two were in agreement about. talk in those lines.. do you have children..college...same part of the country... like fast cars..whatever pick out something and find this small patch to grow on. we all need to be a part of a group but avoid any group with bad memories...your brother ...his friend ... Somehow there is allways a way to get your image back in this persons eye. after all he loved you. re-invent that magic moment..re-invent that new/old you...HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.....Sincerly Roadkill
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2006): This is from the two week lady - I am sorry in my panic state of mind I forgot to thank Roadkill for his long and considered advice - the fact that you had taken so much trouble to answer my earlier questions meant everything to me this morning when I was so upset. I appreciate all your points of view very much - thankyou so much
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2006): This is from the two week lady who is also the how are you doing now lady as well as the each relationship is unique lady.. Today I am in shock as my husband not only admitted last night he will not give up his affair but also that he no longer knows if he loves me or not. He says he will be able to think more clearly after the Xmas holiday when we will have been apart for three weeks.. He says he has no idea what he wants now and is not longer sure of anything that he feels. I cannot blame him as I was the one who chose not to sleep with him for a year. This was due to the problems I explained earlier but he was so good during that trial time trying to give me everything I asked for to give me the opportunity to sort myself out and get back on track with him. It never happened and as a result he (with my agreeement) looked for sex elsewhere. I didnt expect him to get involved with anyone else to the point where he chose them over me. I was so sure of his feelings for me but now everything is changed. I feel our marriage is over. I would have tried to look at our relationship in the way that was suggested - tried to rebuild but I dont know if he will even want to try anymore. The problem is that I haven't worked for 20 years. I folllowed him overseas and I am totally dependent on him and now I feel so vulnerable. Before we married I had a good career which had been important for my long term security.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2006): I have had several postings since my last writing. I am somewhat new to this and if I miss a response please bear with me.
My marriage to my wife was a selected opportunity for me. She was a person who gave what she could to better the family and still gives today onehundred percent. I was lucky that I caught on to the internet exchanges . WE have accepted that neither of us are more perfect than the other and for each fault she has I have one ,perhaps two, to counter with.
Our first step in the reconstruction was to admit our own mistakes and plan a constuctive modification in our life that would avoid this from happening again. I ran into trouble right there...She was willing to admit to parts but not to all. I confronted her with proof . I explained that at any point she could pick up the conversation and admit what she had done. She has yet to do that. So at this point I find myself in a one sided repair . She has assured me that it was "just" internet exchanges but she has been around this fellow for about five years now and I cannot understand how (without some indication from her) that he would just start sending porn to her and she would respon in kind. I have saved the records from e-mails ,and there is no doubt what goes on here.
The fellow who wrote asking for advise on his exact same situation and needs to know what works. Well for me to give advise about this is strange but i think that observation is the key to success. Observing and acting i should say. Once you see the subtle change in her mood the way she talks or were she has been. Watch for signs of new places she has been. These are all after the fact things though. Do your best now ,if you have chosen to save your marriage to asuure her you are there . That you have been hurt and this hurt takes a little time to heal. EXplain this all must stop and stop now . Avoid hollow ultamatums. Like this one, "If you don't stop i'll leave tommorrow". MY words were " this all stops today ,right now or you leave right now" I sound tough but believe me i shook from end to end because i thought she was going to walk for sure. She didn't . I was lucky again i guess.
I read the response from the lady who gave herself and husband 2 weeks. You know a lot is accomplished in two weeks, if two are working, if only one ....wellllll!!! Have you made a better situation or have you repeated yourself and in effect repeated the same mistakes (like i did ) the first time . Make a new spot in your everyday life a spot of convergence that you and he can share. My wife was elevated by another man making advances toward her so i became not him but another man. Could you become another woman or he another man? Can you give and take , equality between your ideas of perfection and what your actually are able to achieve? Well, is his role is to be the Father the protector the builder and the pursuer? Try turning all that around and applying that to yourself. I really feel two weeks is not much time to give to change but it is time enough to make the decision to change. My father used to tell me " it is by CHOICE all things are done and undone" . He meant that no one can make you do anything if you havent first chosen to do it...merry christmas to this Lady (Anon).
To the last Anon writer who speaks of individualty and its uniquness. I am in full agreement with your sentiments . As if we were two ponts on the world map we are that unique. None are more unlike us ,none are more alike . In that we all share a feeling of need to be loved , a need to be trusted a need for respect that is the common bond the ligament of containment that we all share . Cut loose from this ligament and we flounder helplessly untill the ligament heals. I went as you suggested to Dr. Ph's website and must say he is a fix it NOW type of guy. His work is worth reading. I will remmber to suggest it in the future.
thanks for all ...
I started this posting at 5:30 am cst Dec 9th,2006 it now 7:30 . roadkill
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2006): I am stating the obvious but each relationship is unique and the problems that each couple have are different - I think it is important to seek couple counselling as soon as possible to identify your particular problems and get advice on how to put things right. Dr Phil's web site has good advice and plans on how to tackle a marriage in crisis if you really want to save it. I think it is important to remember that only the two people involved really know how they feel about each other and what action is right for their particular case. It does not matter what anyone else thinks about what you are doing. It sounds simple but it is important to be as honest as possible about every aspect of your relationship and how you feel about the decisions you might take. If mistakes have been made it is better if they can be corrected as soon as possible. It is sometimes hard to even know what you feel is right in these situations. Somethings you might want to take a strong stand on and others you may want to just let go - I hope professional guidance and counselling will help you end the nightmare and get you through this in a way that will restore some peace of mind to you both.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2006): Hi I am in the same situation and am looking for advise too. I am at the early stages of this nightmare and have no idea what really works. Definatly changing is good if you want to save it. You need to critique your situation and figure out what is wrong. After you do that you can work on changing. The problem is if she is in love with someone else then you and me are screwed. All we can do is figure out how to pull ours selves back up and leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2006): It sounds like you have a very strong marriage and that you have both taken all the right steps to amend things. I can appreciate why a sincere apology would have meant a lot to you. I also see the truth in your statement that a man lets his guard down after 20 years - I think we get to a stage where we feel our longer term marriages are "safe" but then changes creep up on us. I think that was an element in my marrage breakdown. Sadly I have not been sleeping with my husband for a year. It is difficult to give you the whole picture. To give you more information -we had 20 years of being a very good team sharing the same interests but that slowly diminshed, my husband has been a wonderful husbdand in many ways - I trust him 100%, he is generous and caring, a mostly gentle man who is best when I am ill, but a perfectionist who has rigid views about the way things should be done - I come from a much more laid back home so it was an effort for me to do things the way he liked all the time. Sometimes I just want to let things go for a day.. the mistake I made over 20 years was not to insist on a compromise - I just did it all his way and there were also many times that I didnt agree with his attitide or behaviour to others but I kept quiet - that s why when he criticised me it hurt so much as I felt I had not only done my best but also kept quiet about things I disagreed with. Our sex life was never great - became too mechanical so again when the crisis hit - it hit doubly hard. The shutters went down and I havent been able to lift them. But today I have agreed with my husband to have two weeks of 100% effort on our marriage before we go our separate ways for Xmas. Then we can assess if we have soemthing to work on or not. He has agreed not to see his girlfriend that he has sex with and I will see less of my friend that he does not know I have sex with. I will not have sex with him for two weeks or longer if we find we have something left. The big question mark for me is whether I would be able to have sex again with my husband - sex with my lover is so wonderful. But this will be the test -i feel we only have this one chance SO I am going to try to see what we have - it is nothing like as strong as your relationship but I will promise to give it my all that I can for the next two weeks - then if there is nothing there we can both move on with the knowledge that we tried our best under the circumstances.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2006): I am writing back to the lady who wondered how "I" was doing.. well i am doing fine.. As i read your letter i could feel the pain in your sentence , losing love and the gain in obtaining love. We all want positive stroking ...I once read an article that created a fictional character that did bad things as a youth . His parents scolded him but to him even bad strokes were at least better than no offspring/parent relationship at all. Do we do things as adults so that we will get strokes no matter if they are good or bad???? I wish i had a real cool answer for your specific involvment. perhaps with more information i could form an educated guess. However i would rather relate to you my wifes comments on her situation. If you want to hear this please read on...if not "X" out now.
She and i had a very civil start about this i eased very slowly into the subject with the idea that i wanted to know the extent of the affair. At first she denied everything. then only part and then none was denied. each time and each step i gave her opportunities to be forthcoming and give me more than on wor one sylable answers, i got just a little more than that but not much more. She said however that a woman of her age who has had two children would feel ego elevated by compliments about her looks. she would feel good if not even turned on by little hints ,pretty soon hints were suggestions and well you can get the rest. She has a really tough problem with saying that "she " made a mistake. and for a moment i felt like i was going to appologise but held on ,i dont think i ever got a sincere ,i'm sorry. Perhaps we have just been driven by work by age or by something i'm unaware of into a divided marriage. Since i have confronted her she has done some positive things to modify her life . Most of which has to do with communications,me and her, what she wants now is not the same as 5 years ago. what she will want in the future must must be discussed then. She went through all the sighns from being unreachable to dressing up to go to the construction sites. A guy just somehow lets his guard down after 20 years. Its quite a let down and require a lot of digesting to get this all down...
Now what have i done ,,,?? well i havent been just sitting around giving up...i committed to more time with her ,,much more time... we spend tons of time on cell calls but now we can (computer view communicate), i reasoned with her about working with the creep who she was seeing. we came to the idea that it needed to be modified and to my knowledge that has been done. She has moved her office across town. all in all her physical actions have shown great remorse. We are very family oriented and we have taken the kids into consideration and discussed the results of a public problem this would cause. Neither one of us wanted that. the computer exchange of the porn was not stopped on the senders end. we decided that if we ignore it, by not replying it will die a natural death. She was replying to it all, sometimes the replies were very leading....I'm sure not all families can blend into their lives a rough road and go on. My idea was though that its was worth it. I feel it down deep and i am willing to forgive but like anyone once burned i am more wary now. I will watch for sighns..its sorta corny to say but trust should be the foundation for a marriage and when its broken its a long time in the repair mode. Finding happiness is a rare expierence its not one little moment or an epiphany. Its a gradual accumulation of shells of little moments dried upon the soul and hardened by adversity. This is just a test of my happiness and i feel that i can be better for it "as she knows to well , I love her for her goodness and her perfections and her flaws" please feel free to write back..sincerly..... Dr.J roadkill
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2006): I wonder how you are doing now? I revisited this question as it has bothered me for a while. I am a wife of 21 years who has been cheating on her husband for a year - I have everything lifestyle-wise too - before this I was so proud of myself for the choices I made - I never lied or did anything that was disloyal to my husband - I made sure my head ruled my decision making. Then after 20 years with one argument the weakness in our marriage was revealed - my husband made me feel that all my efforts to do the best I could in my role as his wife had not for the last twenty years been good enough. I had always suspected this. This upset me so deeply that I believe I switched off a committment to the marriage from that day. I tried to assess my marriage and felt that despite that I believed that I had given my all - it was not good enough - from then on I started to follow a rebellious path - found comfort and love in another person. I have hated myself so much for betraying my old sound values but I have not been able to stop. My lover satisfies my need to know that I am good enough - he often tells me I am perfect - that he could not ask for more in a woman - The relationship has stopped me from resolving the problem with my marriage. From the day of the argument I decided in my heart that the marriage was no longer workable but I know in my head I should try. I have pretended to try to work things out but how can it have a chance when I am having an affair? I know I should stop the affair. It has caused me so much pain but I am unable to follow what my head is telling me to do anymore. I dont know if this helps or throws any light on your situation - but I hope it may. I know your situation is different but I wonder how your wife really feels about herself and if could she explain the choices she has made. I know hers is a more serious mistake but why has she made it? Would we have made the same mistake if we had lived her life?
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reader, roadkill +, writes (20 November 2006):
roadkill is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday is the 20th a lot has taken place .First I read all the replies and all were right on the mark. I am traveling right now and I am on a return trip home. Before i left i did not tell the other wife..i think you all agreed this was not a good plan , I did confront my wife and she was very upset. However i get the feeling that she was more upset at getting caught than what was going on. Frank you spoke of calming down and I have...really I have..Its more of an acceptance i suppose but i am calm about this now and a couple of days ago i was not. Frank i also agree that telling anyone involved anything more than i have is not right and messing with others gives me very little comfort anyway.
I read from the answer of eyeswideopen and I also wonder if she is willing to knock off this stupid crap ? I think she will say what needs to be said to get back to even keel then when the time comes she will go as she pleases. Also EWO i agree i must make that choice of ,will i put up with this or not put with it.
I have had a female anon answer that asks what kind of woman would do that. Thats one I can answer! A wife and mate of over 20 years, mother of two wonderful children(we still have a great sex life too), a community leader , never misses church and has a beautiful home on the lake with two new cars and not a whole lot of problems. Finally a husband who spends every moment he can with her doing things for her and his family. Sounds, when i say it like a storybook thing,,,thats what kind of woman that does this. Frankly those are all the mechanical things i can say about her leaving out the bones in the closet with the other guy.
Dr. Psych your two paragraphs are a summation of all everyone said with one exception i really like ..."I really didn't do any thing wrong"...and that is what i guess i was worried about all along ..So i guess i have said all that to say this...I am better to have asked here and thanks for the time you have all spent please feel free to add later i will check and update. I will be home tommorrow night and thursday is thanksgiving..to all thanks.....roadkill
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reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (20 November 2006):
 Firstly calm down before you do something that you will regret.
The first choice you need to make for yourself is whether you want to make things work with your wife or not. That is it.
If you want to make it work, then you must be ready to make lots of changes, as what you have been doing so far, does not cut it. It might be studying to be a better lover in bed, to changing your job to ...whatever...you are defiantely not giving her the attention she needs.
If you do NOT want to make it work with the wife, then stay calm, and go speak to a divorce lawyer, and find out everything there is to know.
Telling everyone will not work in your favor...at least not yet. Do not tell the other wife, as I suspect she already knows, and is not going to do anything about it.
Know your rights before you make any moves.
Once you get the above done, THEN you will be in a position to confront her once and for all.
Good Luck, and check back in.
-Frank B Kermit
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reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 November 2006):
 This is a very painful situation for you and you have my sympathy. I wouldn't advise you speak to the cheater's wife however, she may already know or may find out on her own but you don't want to be the bearer of bad news. Sit down with your wife and have a long chat. You need to know if she is willing to knock off this stupid shit and focus on your marriage, that is if YOU want to stay in it. You may need to separate so you both can make an attitude adjustment. You have to figure out if you are better off with her or without her and that means in all respects. I'm sorry you have to deal with this and wish you the best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2006): What sort of women do that? she has no respect! i think you should walk away and get away with out being hurt anymore. Confromt her and see what she says and if she tells you that it is going to end then tell her about how she said that before and it never happened. I hope everything works out for you xx
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reader, DrPsych  +, writes (20 November 2006):
 I think this is a private matter for you and your wife at this stage. Trust is obviously broken here. You have two choices:
1. Go to counselling, work through your issues and try to rescue your marriage. This requires commitment from her and it may also involve both of you moving somewhere new...since I guess you will be forever wondering about if they are meeting otherwise.
2. You walk away from your marriage with your head held high - you have done NOTHING wrong and you are married to a fool who doesn't appreciate your patience. A trial separation maybe enough for her to come to her senses.
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