A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I just found out that my wife cheated on me and not the first time and she does not even feel remorse. We have been married for 22 years, both in our 40s. She looks amazing for her age. Men always liked her. we have a grown child and empty nesters. Few last years we kind of became very distant.I agree, sex became very infrequent and more of a chore. She was comenting of me getting fatter and about my stomachAbout my drinking every day. She started traveling a lot. She has her small business and and has her own income. One trip she returned and she was even more distant. I checked her phone, guilty of that and she has on whatsup many messages from a really young guy like in his 20s calling her sweety, and i could see they saw each other every single day when she was away. I confronted her, and she didnt even deny anything. She said, it doesnt really mean much to her, these encounters, but it makes her happy and relaxed, and she feels alive. I asked her if she realizes how serious it is , her cheating. She just said, that i can do what i think i should with this information. If i want divorce, she doesnt mind, but thinks its silly at our age to do it. We have a beautifull house, common friends, why to ruin all of it and change anything. She said , she wont stop doing what she was doing, i mean with guys. She said, its not like it happens on every single trip she takes, only if she likes someone very much.SO, what do you think i should do? Should we just do what we want, each of us, or to divorce?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2016): Thank you all for answering. Just to clarify:its not that my wife stopped having sex with me, the sex did not stop. I am myself are not that into it anymore. I have to go check my testosterone level, i have a suspision its low as my sex drive went down quite a bit.We are distant not only sexually but emotionaly. After we had empty house after our child left, we sort of started living our separate lives.She has plenty of friends, i have just couple. She likes to do things all the time, like concerts, going out, travel. I do not as much.And she is right, i started drinking every day, not much, but couple drinks. She is not a drinker at all, she says she can not stand me getting buzzed every night, and the smell of alcogol.Some of the answers here are really agressive. To tell my kid about his mother cheating?? i am sorry but you are out of your mind. I am not going to hurt my kid like that.I don"t consider my wife a stupid and reckless woman who will have unprotected sex. Single people have sex with different partners all the time but it does not mean they all contracted AIDs.Mostly i liked the advice to get a marriage counselling. Thank you all again
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2016): I agree with Janniepeg and Honeypie.
Your wife's biggest selling point to other men right now is her looks & willingness to hook up. Your biggest selling point to other women is your suitability for a real relationship. If you remain in an open marriage then your wife can use her looks to screw around while you cannot use your long term potential to attract anyone else for you.
By staying married she also gets to keep what she cannot get from those other men that she gets from you, long term companionship & stability. But you will not get from her what you cannot get elsewhere, a decent sex & romantic life. She hasn't been sexually interested in you for a while and I doubt that will change any time soon.
The open relationship idea works all to her advantage and none to yours. I don't think your wife is purposely trying to push you into such an unfair deal but she does not give a shit how any of this affects you either way.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2016): Do you really want to stay married to a sociopath?
Get a solicitor and get out now, whilst you still can and be absolutely sure you get a good one and take at least half of everything, if not more.
Her looks are going to fade really soon and she will have lost you and her little boys.
And DO NOT ever taker her back. Let her stew in her own juices.
I can be vindictive, so I would get the rumour about her being a cradle snatcher going at her work as well, just to make her standing there less secure.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2016): I just love these talks about morals. The fact is that most people cheat. At least once in their lifetime. Even the most unattractive physically people cheat. I do not believe for a second that unless you are deeply religious those who proclaimed very high moral standards here are so innocent.Though for me to think about not cheating spouses is more pleasant than cheaters, the fact of life is that majority of people cheat. And they do not only cheat because their partner is getting out of shape or drinks, they cheat because this is how nature created us, and sex is so powerful that majority can not say no.circumstances are the most significant part in occurence of cheating. I saw many faithful husbands and wives who in certain circumstances cheated without thinking twice. A friend of mine who was faithful for 20years, went on a trip, met this handsome stranger and had the best sex in her life. She did not plan or wanted it, it just happened. If i were you i would think why your wife is having sex somehwere else. Women usually are less pron than men to cheating. They only do it as last resort. You mention that your sex life sucks. And your drinking can be a major turn off.May be go to consuling and try to better your marriage instead of thinking divorce
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2016): I agree with Jannypeg. You can keep a family status going, which many many people in fact do if they are comfotable with it. I do not see the reason for you to divorce unless you are hurting, which does not really sound like it. What difference would that make if you go through messy divorce, splitting everything up, moving and all.Your wife is an independent financially woman, she is not staying with you because she can not afford to live by her herself. She is staying with you for other reasons: she still cares for you, you are a a father of our child, habit, for whatever reason she is with you.I think at her age she just wants to do what she wants to do.She hardly has any sex with you, but she needs sex, so she is looking for it somewhere else. I do not think that she is careless that she is going to contract an STD.Its really up to you, but i do not see the need for a divorce
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 January 2016):
 Only you can make that choice, so my question to you is... WHAT do you want?
You want a "marriage" of convenience or do you want to be free to pursue happiness with someone else, someone who values YOU as a person, not just as someone they share material goods with.
I can tell you what I'd do. I would take what's left of my DIGNITY - gather ALL the proof/evidence of her cheating and call a good divorce lawyer. I certainly wouldn't let her take whatever she can nor would I stay married to someone who broke the vow. For me cheating is a total deal-breaker, getting a little round is not.
And IF you drink daily, more than you should - work that. NOT for her, but for yourself. It's not good for you.
I think she is making the presumption that you will "allow" this because you don't want to go through the hassle of a divorce and all the drama that follows. And that is not only COLD of her, it's callous.
Whatever you decide, make sure it's what YOU want.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 January 2016):
 Open relationships would not be a good deal for you. Your wife looks amazing but she won't have sex with you, and you have a pot belly. For casual sex to work you need to look as hot as your wife. The only women who would want an affair with you are those who want to prove they are better than your wife, or hope that one day you would leave your wife and get married.
You really want to do something about your drinking though. A divorce would prompt you to drink and drink, when you what you really want is to attract a woman and have a relationship. You both figure, you don't want to stop drinking, and she doesn't want to stop cheating. She could have divorced you for you drinking, but she didn't. How about you make a deal with her. You quit drinking, then save this marriage and she doesn't cheat. If she still cheats after you quit drinking and shape up, then you get a divorce.
While drinking can not be compared to the immoral act of cheating, it can turn off a spouse to a point of not wanting to feel married. If you divorce, then what you are left with is a smaller house, more drinking, being single or hoping that a woman would put up with drinking and the sharing of your resources with your ex wife. Think about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2016): If you were the one remorselessly cheating then the advice for her would be obvious. Get a pitbull of a divorce lawyer and take you to the cleaners. But legal divorces don't favor men. If you're lucky then you would end up with half your stuff after legal fees. If you are unlucky then she keeps the house and stuff, you move out, and you keep writing checks to her for years to come. If you want an outsider's opinion? Just the sheer insult of her attitude would make me want to divorce her for all she's worth. I would be screaming "What if you gave me AIDS? Explain to me right now what gives you the right to take risks with MY LIFE!!" How long has she been doing this? Would she have ever told you if you hadn't done your own snooping and found out? What she has done here IS NOT the same thing as sitting you down and saying she wants to open up the relationship. It sounds like she would have been content to do this for years or decades, with you waiting for her at home alone and staying faithful to her the whole time. Do not forget this part. She did not open the relationship. She cheated and kept you in the dark.Maybe she is being this callous as a way of detaching and coping with her own behavior. Is this kind of attitude something you would expect from her? Does this match the kind of person you thought she was? Its hard to make sense of it.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (31 January 2016):
 Personally Id take what little respect that she has left you with and divorce. Plenty of things have changed, you no longer have a marriage and i think it is fair to say that ruins a lot of things, mainly your dignity. Unless you are planning and happy to do the same then, ok whatever suits you both however if you find someone else along the way being married still may be of disadvantage so why put it of for the sake of material things. Just make sure things are split 50/50 and go start your new life.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (31 January 2016):
 For starters, stop having sex with her immediately then go get yourself checked by a doctor to make sure you don't have STD. Her sexual promiscuity is dangerous, to you as well.
As for your wife... She has decided all on her own that she will run an open marriage while with you, that you don't matter and that she does not care whether what she does offends you or not. So basically, the only thing left if your marriage is a remnant of a legal writ, a paper that says you two are married, and that suits her fine because it avoids the bother of having to split the assets, explain to lot of people what happened and rock the boat. She is basically telling you that leaving the legal writ in force keeps you both financially better off.
So, to decide what to do, look into your future and see what you want. If you think that down the line you want to marry another woman and have an actual marriage, then your current wife is a legal obstacle. In this case, you need to remove the obstacle ASAP so you can have a new structure with which you can treat your new woman.
I also think that your wife could be an obstacle to any non-marriage permanent relationship because lot of women will absolutely not date a married guy. So suppose you want just a GF? You probably won't find a good one if you stay married.
So her arrangement is set up best for her because guys don't care if the woman is married or not, as long as she puts out. In your case, it is the other way around.
Besides finances, all other situations favor you with a divorce.
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