A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 38 and I have been with my wife 19 years. I love her, but I feel like we are not "in love." We are best friends and we really enjoy each other's company. We do all kinds of things together and we make each other happy. However, when we do something that is supposed to be romantic (like a trip to Paris) I find myself thinking: "This is really nice. I would love to come back with a lover or someone I was involved with romantically." To me it is very sad that I feel that way. I know that after 19 years we cannot act like we did after 2 years, but we are still relatively young and I feel like we are settling into the kind of life I would be very happy with were we in our mid-60's. However, that's still years away! We don't have kids and I don't understand why she doesn't feel any desire for me even under such romantic settings. Advice from my best friend is: "Dude, if she doesn't love you in Paris then she doesn't love you."My wife has completely shut down sexually and it is a source of contention for us. For example, we were in New Mexico on vacation in a romantic inn in the desert (middle of nowhere) . We had a romantic suite with a fireplace and I made a fire for us. It was a full moon and my wife made comment that the leaves on the trees all looked like stars (which they did) and the frogs were croaking and it was such a romantic setting. When it came down to it we spent the night fighting about the politics which led to the plight of the Native Americans. We came down on opposite sides of the issues and both went to bed in a foul mood. I was lying there and thinking "My God, I wish I was able to enjoy this moment with a woman who I was involved with romantically." I love her. I really do. However, whatever the romantic setting may be (Paris, Napa Valley, Oregon Coast, Manhattan penthouse suite, Las Vegas, South Beach, Santa Barbara, Carmel) we never make love and I usually wish I was there with someone else who would appreciate the moment and who would see it the same way I do. She claims these things are so romantic to her after-the-fact, but her actions are another story. We spent a week in a great suite in Boston and I tried to make love to her once in that time and it was a disaster. (She wasn't into it and I gave up and just got myself off.) When we came home I told her how upset I was and she said: "I am so sorry you feel that way. I thought it was really romantic and we were really connecting." I am thinking of leaving her. I am not seeing anyone else, but I just cannot stand being with a woman as cold as she is. I am sure she has reasons for feeling the way she does, but she won't share them. She just says: "It is normal for couples who have been together as long as we have to lose that spark" but SHE has lost the spark, not me. I love the day-to-day of our lives, but I cannot stand that we do not have that romantic, sexual side to our relationship. She is a really, really good friend and roommate. Is it unfair to expect more? Will I make a big mistake in giving that up in exchange for more romance which I may or may not find?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): You have a lot of questions, i've answered them in capitals below...[Mod note: ALL CAPS ANSWERS are not published here. I have taken the time to put your answer into standard sentence capitalization. Please, to our readers, do not use ALL CAPS. It is considered to be shouting.]"we are best friends and we really enjoy each other's company. We do all kinds of things together and we make each other happy."You have a lot of good things to build on. In any relationship there are good things, and bad things, and you have a problem in a key area."we don't have kids and i don't understand why she doesn't feel any desire for me even under such romantic settings."If she is such a good friend otherwise, there is a big issue remaining hidden."advice from my best friend is: "dude, if she doesn't love you in paris then she doesn't love you.""This guy is not the person to tell you about love. Why? Because he doesn't know shit about being married and relationship problems. Keep that in mind, he may be your friend, but he doesn't get it with the relationship. This isn't about love at all, it is about sexual relationships."my wife has completely shut down sexually and it is a source of contention for us." When people shut down sexually, it has to do with deep seated issues, only professionals can help you with this (not friends)."i love her. I really do. However, whatever the romantic setting may be (paris, napa valley, oregon coast, manhattan penthouse suite, las vegas, south beach, santa barbara, carmel) we never make love and i usually wish i was there with someone else who would appreciate the moment and who would see it the same way i do."It isn't love that is the issue, it is sex."she claims these things are so romantic to her after-the-fact, but her actions are another story. We spent a week in a great suite in boston and i tried to make love to her once in that time and it was a disaster."I've been there and done that, down to the two big trips that ended up being sexless with both trips involving attempts to have sex and being terminated very quickly with very odd interactions around the sex.I am thinking of leaving her. Normal and healthy response to the situation, but not the best choice yet.I am not seeing anyone else, but i just cannot stand being with a woman as cold as she is. She isn't cold, you mention all the other issues that are positive in the relationship, so there is a problem here that she isn't telling you."i am sure she has reasons for feeling the way she does, but she won't share them."Correct. Right on target. But she must share, or the marriage and probably the friendship as well will end."she just says: "it is normal for couples who have been together as long as we have to lose that spark""No it isn't, really it isn't."she is a really, really good friend and roommate."Keep that in mind. You could get divorced, find someone who screws you like crazy all the time, fakes her sexual pleasure, and who is a terrible friend and roommate and who screws everyone else in the world while faking her sexual pleasure with them."is it unfair to expect more?"No, and it is essential to expect more if the marriage is to survive."will i make a big mistake in giving that up in exchange for more romance which i may or may not find?"Maybe, only time will tell. She must talk. She must talk openly, willingly, and honestly, or the marriage will end. You might read the following, but first get a counselor.Http://www.amazon.com/healing-sex-mind-body-approach-sexual/dp/1573442933Tell your wife that you are going to a counselor, with or without her, but that you want her to be there. Tell her the truth about why. Tell her that you don't want this friendship to end, but you can't do this on your own and you are going to go crazy if you keep trying to do it.Here is what i found out (it took me a long time to break through to my wife and i almost left her, we have been together over 19 years now and she didn't talk to me or her physicians or her counselor or our marriage counselors for a long time). Neglected as a child, molested at a young age, given drugs and alcohol at a young age at home (probably to make her pliable for sex), multiple rapes, sexual abuse as a teen, severe hangups around sex that were concealed with alcohol and drug abuse, fear of me finding out what her life had been like, fear of me leaving, and the list goes on.She started talking, but it took over 7 months with the 3rd counselor we used.We have a completely different relationship now. Sex is great. She can talk to me for the first time, really talk to me.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (13 June 2011):
 From what you described, your wife defines ROMANCE differently than you do.
You describe it as something that leads to lovemaking.
She seems to find it thru non-sexual connection.
You DO need to have a chat with her (outside of the bedroom) about missing the sexual aspect of your marriage. It is NORMAL and healthy to want that.
It is also quite normal for parnters to be sexually mismatched, have different sex drives or have their libido killed off.
If you feel like you are tempted to stray your marriage..TELL HER! YOu miss sex and chose HER to be your sexual mate. Tell her how lonely and rejected that feels.
Also, next time during a time you hope to get intimate..stay away from controversial topics like politics or religion!
The art of seduction is going to be SO much more than ambiance and location. Some reluctant lovers need to be woo'ed in the HEAD first.
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, Lizzy111  +, writes (13 June 2011):
I don't know how long this has been going on, but will tell you one thing - I made through exactly the same situation 3 years before I said - that's it can't do that anymore, we ended up staying great friends,I guess because none of us lied or cheated in any way, the spark jut died and that was that...I still think the world of him, he is like my family but I did realize there is no way I can be with someone as a friend and roommate... I hope you both still can save the relationship, but you need to ask her if she is comfortable the way things are, if that's the case then you sort of know that she has 0 problems in this relationship and thats what you will keep getting also in the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): Mmm well, I truly feel you owe it to yourself to give it a decent shot, I hope that doesn't sound as if I think you haven't already - seeing as you have been on trip after trip. BUT...it is pretty clear from your post that something is missing, you have the romantic setting, BUT you are expecting sex each time and you are not looking at actual foreplay. To find out what turns a woman on is an art we are all a bit different. It doesn't sound like to me that you are doing small gentle things that will get her in the mood. I have taken the action of creating a list for you based on my intution for what I think she would like considering the responses she has given you, I do hope you will try them, in my experience I really wish there were some tips men could subtly and tactfully get on romance - then thee world would be happy!
1. Try gentle whispering at times, in her ear.
2. Stroke her hair gently off her forehead
3. Hold her hand, as often as you can
4. Tell her she is beautiful and smile at her
5. Massage her hands
6. Bite her bottom lip a little when you kiss her
7. Tell her about an amazing sexy dream you had...and what you were doing to her
8. Watch a romantic girly movie, with old fashioned charm and a little love scenes.
9. Do these things on a regular basis and mix them up.
10. REMEMBER - makin love with your best friend is going to be much more satisfying in the long term!
11. Take a romantic vacation at home - you don't have to go away - make her a bath and light candles. Cook her dinner, share some funny stories. Kiss her on the lips while she watches you cook - or go out to the lounge to kiss her passionately in between cooking!
12. Don't give up - remember your marriage vows - and try these things for another year! Then ask her to be romantic at times - say it's not always up to you - but you will 'romance her' for the most part because you are the man, but giver her a chance to think of nice things she could plan for you both to enjoy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): Maybe has issues relating to sex. Maybe she sees sex in a less romantic light than you do for whatever reason.
She may relate sex more to lust than love. Maybe a sex counselor or a counselor in general could help, however, I'm not sure she'd see it as enough of an issue to go.
For sex to completely go away isn't very healthy in a relationship. She may feel that because you two are getting along so well and having these deep conversations and all these wonderful trips, she wants to spend them getting to know you and re-bond, and maybe she feels like sex just isn't a romantic thing to do. Talk to her about it. See why she doesn't feel it's a good setting for sex.
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