A
male
age
41-50,
*rowley
writes:Hello, i am lost.My wife has just told me she no longer loves me after what i thought were 15 happy years together. This is a bolt out of the blue for me. We have 3 children,I cannot fight her on this because it only drives her further away, i have had no real reason for why 15 years of our lives is being thrown away. I am loosing my wife, my lover and my soulmate, shes taking our 3 children with her and we have to sell the family home, because neither of us can afford to go on living in it alone.I am really struggling, we are still living together atm, because of bills etc, until the house is sold, but i still love her, and i dont know how to cope with loosing everything that means anything to me.My wife and my children are my life. People say it will get better, it will get easier, but how? how do you make it to later when it hurts so much?How do you get answers to questions? how do you make a fresh start when you have no idea what broke in the first place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2009): Well, I empathize with your dilemma as I am going through this right now. We have two beautiful girls 5 and 9 and my wife told me that she loved me, worried about me, missed me when I traveled but is not in love with me.
This is the second wife this has happened with and it is tough not to blame myself. I will take responsibility for most of this as we did not communicate our needs to each other and I am 54, she is 41 and 12 years ago when we met, at 42 and 29, sex and intimacy were much different.
Bottom line is that another man who came into her place of business (and has been doing so for over 10 years), ended his marriage. He is 39 and they connected. My wife told me that she watched his break up happen over the last two years and it was like watching herself in a movie.
They started emailing and once she used my laptop but did not close out her account. I pulled it up and started to read what I thought was my email and was shocked at what I saw. Nothing sexual but very flirtatious.
I blame myself for not being as intimate but at 54 I have low hormone levels that I am now dealing with. I blame her for giving up and putting two of the best adjusted children in the whole wide world through this. I blame this jerk J.H. who is now unemployed, divorced from his wife and has two children about the same age as ours for being a snake.
Now my wife tells me that there is nothing there and they are only friends who can relate but this all started around X-Mas when they hooked up on email. I immediately noticed a change in our relationship.
I am perhaps the most hurt I have been in my entire life. Not for me but for my girls. At 54, this is not anything I really expected or wanted to deal with.
However, as advice for you crowley (and it has been 2 years), hand in there and go out and date again. The HAS to be a woman with ethics waiting somewhere in the wings. That is my plan...life is short.....
A
male
reader, ditched_in_denver  +, writes (30 November 2008):
My wife and I have been married 11 years and we have two young boys ages 8 and 10. She told me she wasn't happy in our relationship, in fact, she has felt this way for a couple of years. I do attribute the tension to several factors: the deaths of her mother and grandmother in the last 2 years, her success at losing 65 pounds, the strain of growing a successful business. I on the other hand have replaced my career with raising our kids, affording her the confidence to go out and partake in her own goals. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself; I lost my ambition, drive, goals, motivation. I am a great father, even my wife will vouch for that, she even admits to love me but that she is “not in love” with me, to her I became more of the father to our kids which is great, but less of the kind of man she can look up to intimately. I am rebuilding my career as a photographer, and becoming more independent, it is a bit difficult to understand why my wife, with whom I am very much in love, has a desire to be rid of the relationship. Now, she hits the bar scene with 20-somethings and conveniently “forgets” to wear her wedding ring! When we have sex its very disconnected and feels like a “bar pickup”. She has mentioned that she would like to date (basically have sex with) other people and encourages me to do the same. This notion drives me crazy since her work requires her to travel a lot, and who knows what’s happening at those hotels. I think the difficult part for me is I feel this burning sense of entitlement; I accepted her when she was over weight and not terribly happy with herself at times nonetheless, I loved her and supported her with all my heart. I was there through thick or thin as she grew her business by insuring a well rounded home life for our boys. The late nights the times when she travelled for days even weeks at a time, while I took care of the kids even as I attempted to deal with my own clients and having limited time losing a few along the way. Now she's hotter than ever and she does not want to share that part of who she is with me. Let alone be a part of my own successes; I feel like I was there for her during a remarkable transition in her life and she is not willing to do the same! I feel this shameful feeling that “she owes me”. It simply hurts. I think what angers me most is the amount of will she is placing on the demise of the relationship! Sure, I’ve seen her motivated about a great many things, but the sheer will and devotion to make it clear she “doesn’t love me” and her ability to be distant even while I’m in her presence is not only shocking it’s infuriating. The very same energy placed in being so decidedly distant can be changed into something that brings our relationship to a more positive level. Recently we've begun the process of marriage counseling with an emphasis on individual work. My wife admits, she cannot exactly pin-point her detachment from our marriage, only that it’s "real" for her and what she is "feeling right now". All I can do is focus on myself and evolve into a better me my old tools no longer work, my counselor and I are going to forge better ones so that I can grow and become the best I can. I don’t do this to save the marriage but to save myself. I have given her more space, although she wants me to move out (and eventually move on). The notion of getting an apartment, to me, makes no sense and frankly feels as if I am putting one foot in the grave of this relationship.We have planned nights out together and alone with friends in order to have time away, I don’t have nearly the number of friend as she due to my many years as a stay at home dad.I won’t give up so easily. I want to continue being married to my beautiful wife, and I will make every effort to do so but I have to make some changes within myself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): I've been going through the same thing. I thought my wife and I had so much in common and loved each other for over 10 years of marriage. We have 2 kids together. A couple months ago she said she wasn't happy and wanted to seperate and it's been hell since. I have been at the lowest point in my life. I am trying to start over but it is very hard. Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007): Hey, Man i know the feeling tonight my wife just told me she is leaveing me and i can't stop her, i have no idea why she is leaveing all she can say is she isn't happy here anymore. I would love to chat with you more about options we both have or how we can both get through this. If you want post a message and i will check back tommorow. Or just email me at [e-mail blocked] and we can talk through there TTYL. Dustin
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A
female
reader, ambercich  +, writes (13 November 2007):
well maby shes just going through a hard time right now btu swoon her buy her flowers think of her all the time if somethign needs to be done do it like take out the garbage or do the laundry u know just to show her youll give her a little time to find her self andyou love her so...
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A
female
reader, hugs4u002 +, writes (12 November 2007):
I am so very sorry you are going through this, I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you. Can you give us more information on why she is unhappy or why she would want to live her life without you? Please take care of you during this difficult time and pull strength from the love your children have for you, it must be very difficult on them as well........
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2007): Are you not making enough money for her? I know this is shallow, but for a lot of women, it is important for the man of the family to be able to support the family. She may think she'll be better off with 1/2 of the home sale and child support on 3 kids than with you. You need to ask why she left, or give us some kind of idea what her issue is, or we don't know what to say to advise you. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (12 November 2007):
 All what you have said are understandable, but what you haven't stated is why she feels this way or what brought this "all of a sudden" about. Did you talk with her and what was her reply? In order for me to feel as if I can give you any feed back, it would be great if you could tell us what or why brought this on. There has to be something that lead this on in order to feel this way. It's not about pointing fingers either, it's just trying to get to the nitty gritty of it all to answer best. Will you let me know?
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