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male
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anonymous
writes: I was flirting heavily early in our relationship. Married for 23 years. Wife does not trust me and I have a female colleague at work that crawls up your skin. Wife can not stand her and I keep getting bad vibes at home because of this female. I honestly do not like her. What can I do to convince my wife that she need not worry. It is affecting our relatsionship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2006): Correct me if I'm wrong...are you saying, your wife has not trusted you in 23 years (or thereabouts), from an early flirting incident, many years ago? If so, I find it sad, that you've never gained her full trust and it's likely, she's never felt safe, emotionally, in your marriage. This is typical of the damage that happens to people, when a loved one 'acts out' in their past. Some women never recover fully, from that profound pain. It's a hellish place to be and I feel badly for her.I think she and you need marriage counselling and quickly because this is 'old stuff' that never got resolved. It was simply back-burnered, all these years. She needs to realize that even though you are working with a woman she doesn't like, that's not healthy to dump all this old garbage (re: flirting) back into your marriage. She has to learn skills to trust you and she also needs a ton of reassurances, compassion and outward acts of love shown to her, from you. This will take time and huge efforts on your part. Start rebuilding the trust with her. This will be the only way or your marriage will sink. As for the co-worker..you have done all you can to be honest and tell your wife..there is nothing going on between you. How your wife reacts and responds to that, is her choice. You can't change the way a person thinks, but you can help her learn to 'trust' again. By communicating, being positive and giving giving her a ton of love. Whatever you do, don't allow this monumental, long term 'trust' issue to go unresolved. Please seek some help, so you both can spend the next 23 years and beyond in a trusting, happy marriage. Good luck and take care
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