A
male
age
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*pudbro
writes:my wife recently moved out into her own apartment with our 4 kids. circumstances: in january i had a stroke, was given 72 hours to live, docs told my wife that i would be restricted to a wheelchair. she never believed them and passed her strength on to me, urging me to beat the odds thru therapy and faith. so here i am 5 months later recovering nicely (walking, use of my left arm, speech recovered almost 100%) and i come inside the house from MOWING MY LAWN in 100 degree heat. i was thirsty so i open the fridge to find an ice cold coors light. well, against my better judgement i popped it open and drank it. so when i admitted this to my wife, she starts screaming at me "how could you do this" and flings her wedding ring at me and says "it's over, that's it" btw she has had a problem with my alcohol consumption in the past. so here's where we are today. i'm seeing a counselor once a week, aa meetings regularly at the suggestion of the counselor. alcohol free since may 19th and my wife and i are spending more time together than we had previously, good time. i want her back, living together, as a family. obviously, much of our problem is with my past. i've violated the trust of the woman who kept me alive. what can i do? above and beyond. begging doesn't work. appealing to her sympathies doesn't work. my counselor says i'm doing the right things, but i am not very patient.
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reader, spudbro +, writes (20 July 2008):
spudbro is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjustgirl, i really think the wake up and smell the coffee approach migh not be good for the kids. remember, i had a stroke in january. by the grace of God (it's true, i'm one of the saw the light people) i'm still alive and (i believe this) i was left here on this planet to make everyone elses life better. so, my craZY PMS-ing, passive/aggressive wife as well as my beautiful children, are going to get the benefit of the new, sober, healthy me. i'm going to be the best husband and father that God will allow me to be, thru sickness and health, for richer or poorer, you know the vows. anyway, that's my committment. bailing out is the easy way, and it wouldn't benefit anyone but me. i think it would be rather selfish (that's gonna stir up the CODA hornets nest, i'm sure!!!)
A
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reader, spudbro +, writes (20 July 2008):
spudbro is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso maybe i'm at the wrong site. i just had an incredibly painful exchange with my wife. she calls me out of the blue and accuses me of mailing a check to the doctor that she wrote about 4 months ago. this check apparently cleared her bank, one of many she wrote before our separation and intended to destroy before they were mailed (i guess she felt less than obligated to pay "my" doctor bills because we were separated. this was partial payment to a doctor who was on the team that worked on me during my stroke. i guess it was like 30 bucks, but she says i mailed it, and i didn't. calls me a liar, and i think she sent it and forgot about it. anyway, she gives me this "they're you doctor bills, and i'm not paying them" scolding, makes me feek about 3 inches tall, crap i'm thinking, maybe she'd be happier if i would have died. i'm sure y'all can come up with a good reason why she doesn't believe me when i tell her i didn't mail it to the doctor, but what i wanna know is, is my love for this woman crazy? i want her back, and her attitude just kills me!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2008): Why the sam hill did you have any alcohol in the house if you had drinking problems in the past?? I suppose such a comment is not that helpful, but perhaps your wife could understand that if the drink was there, you were bound to drink it at some point. I'm sure AA has shown you that the days of a casual brewski and cooking with wine are over for you.
It looks like that drink was the proverbial last straw for your wife. I'm sure you already owed her for your previous drinking problem, then with your stroke (though not your fault) with 4 kids and you to take care of, she was completely drained in all ways, and her needs were completely neglected. Then your careless action just caused her to snap.
It took years to get into this situation, and it may take years to get out of it. But it looks like you and your family still have a lot of love, so you have a fighting chance of fixing what you broke. Beg your kids to be patient, and try to think of this as a second courtship. There's a great site, marriagebuilders (just google it) which shows us how to win love back.
Every time you pressure your wife or annoy her she takes a step away from you in her heart. Every time you help meet her needs, she takes a step toward you. Without knowing it over the years you somehow wandered miles apart but as you get closer to each other you'll both start running until you're in each other's arms again. When that happens, don't do anything that will make her ever step away again because every time it gets harder to walk back.
Speaking of being considerate, did you offer to trade so that you're in the apartment and the rest of the family in the house as they'll be more comfortable there?
Good luck from a former addict, forgiven and happily married for 8 years.
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A
male
reader, spudbro +, writes (16 July 2008):
spudbro is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwait it outjustgirl? i don't know how long i could wait it out. I love her, my kids keep asking me how long before we live together again, i guess my answer is that i could keep doing the right things (aa meetings, no drinks, seeing counseling) indefinetely. i mean, we've been getting along so fabulously. it's just that i'd like to have my efforts alknowledged and of course my ultimate goal is to be back together.
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