A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do. My wife makes me feel like a loser and she wants nothing to do with me. I have been unemployed for about a year but am going to school to complete my degree. I am a stay at home dad to keep the cost of daycare down. I want to say in the last 6-12 months things have been going down hill. When we are around her family she acts like everything is good, but as soon as we get in the car to go home she flips that switch to uncaring. When we first started dating 10 years ago, we had relations a lot. Since the birth of our second child over two years ago, I was lucky to see some interest from her once a month. We haven't done it since before Halloween. I have a sleeping disorder that requires a mechanical sleep aid. She basically kicked me out of my own bed and I have basically slept in another bedroom for the last 6 months plus by myself. She always points out the things I don't get done or don't do the way she would. Some times I just take it, but sometimes I try to explain to her why I couldn't get things done, but she doesn't want to hear it. Her body language always has that "I don't care" vibe to it. Sometimes she makes me feel so worthless that I want to cry. I like to think of myself as a good father and husband. I take the kids the majority of the time. I try to do as much as I can around the house. I ask what she thinks needs to get done, but sometimes that gets her angry. I have NEVER cheated on her. But I am also tired of living without a spouse. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2013): This is the first time I have every posted on a site of this type but when I read your post it reminded me of myself some years ago. The issue here is not with your wife. The issue is yours. When you got married, giving the responsibility of defining who you are to your spouse, was not a part of the contract. You define yourself, so you can only feel worthless if you believe you are. You know what you are doing, ask yourself if you see value in that. School is an investment acknowledge that. Staying at home with the kids is a good thing, make the best of it. Lets admit we are not perfect, you do things to get under her skin and visa versa that is inevitable. But her not acknowledging your contribution to your marriage is another issue all together. Your course of action is simple. Be direct with her not in an argumentative aggressive manor. At any point in a marriage roles can change. Today you are a stay at home dad and your wife the bread winner, tomorrow she could be unemployed with you holding the baton. So, before you speak to her, which you absolutely must do in a respectful way, you must first decide who you are. Really look at yourself, all aspects. Know your weaknesses and your strengths. When you can look at yourself in the mirror an say I am a good man and worthy of my position in my house then you write her a letter telling her how you feel. Being without work is tough because of the pressure society places on people to fit within the mold. Its human nature to want to fit in with the crowd and be respected. In the case of your wife there are forces both outside and inside her that has her focusing on the things about you that don't fit the mold. Her position in society as an individual is higher than yours. She does not realize that the position is shared in a marriage. Instead of defending you to others because she is proud of her family she may have fallen in with their judgement. This situation is typical. Only when she realizes that what "they" think doesn't matter and what really matters is the progression of your family as a whole, she will not be attracted to you. She will blame you for the discomfort she feels when her social group questions her judgment. Respect is earned not just by what you do to others but also by what you do to yourself. If you allow yourself to feel worthless and not acknowledge your own value, you can't expect anyone else to. As for sex, you wife will only want to have sex with you if she is attracted to you. At this point in your relationship she clearly is not interested and as much as you want it, it is the least of your concern. ;) Hold your chin up, groom yourself properly, walk tall and own your role with pride. Work on improving yourself everyday, do your best and forget the rest. Smile, be happy. I promise you when you are happy and other people want to be around you so will your wife. Everybody wants to be with the person that everybody else wants to be with. Its childish petty stuff but its just life and way us humans behave.As for the seeds of doubt about your wife cheating or not loving you anymore, life goes on either way so no need to focus on that. Nothing is constant when it comes to emotion love is not permanent. It comes and goes what you do in the downtime is what determines if it truly lasts. No luck needed just good choices. ;)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): I understand exactly how you feel. Reading what you wrote, I almost thought I wrote it! Minus the 3 kids, and add another year of unemployment and BAM! You have me. It is tough, especially when you are a proud man, such as I am. You want to get back to being the bread winner, to feeling like gender roles are not out of sync. My wife comes down so hard on me that even things I use to do for pay, but now do for fun, such as develop videogames makes me feel guilty. I can't do anything without feeling guilty when she is around. I can't watch a TV show, or enjoy ONE yahoo game. I look at my wife and she glares at me as though not working is what I do best. It is baffling, because we have an agreement that for this year I would complete my college degree. Hell! I worked several years and paid for her to go through college, I thought the tables were suppose to be switched. I don't want to turn this into a discussion on my issue, even though we have exactly the same issue. I guess the best advice I have for you is to WATCH YOUR OWN BACK. Endure what she puts out, all the while staying 100% focused on getting back on your feet. Don't even give her the play by play as you rise to the top. Receiving information like that is for people who support you, not ridicule you. It's funny how these hardship times are bringing together men in an unusual way and under unusual circumstances. Your wife will remember why she married you and mothered your children once you complete your "master plan". Do it for you, do it for your children and your wife will follow. Probably more sympethetic as she tries to figure out where you are in your life. Good luck my friend, and GO MEN!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): Hello, sir.
I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 10 years because of similar reasons. After talking with her, we are still very much separated, but she said that she felt smothered and trapped in the relationship--so she distanced herself. Do you think, maybe, she might feel that way for some reason?
I agree with one of the other posters--communication is key. However, when people are determined to keep their reasons to themselves, there sometimes is nothing to be done but suffer.
It's a terrible blight.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (6 January 2011):
 Is she cheating?suspicious?
...............................
A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (6 January 2011):
 I suggest that you sit her down and talk to her, just like you're talking to us. Tell her that you miss being with her, and talking to her, and spending time together. Suggest that you get a babysitter for the night so you can go on a real date. Hopefully that will be a start for you to renew your intimacy (and I don't mean just sex) so that you can bring up the problems in your marriage. If she's not receptive, the next step is counseling, hopefully together, but if she won't go you go by yourself.
...............................
|
