A
male
age
41-50,
*rasgear
writes:I need some advice on a situation I have with my wife. We have been married 5 years, together 8 years, and have a 3 year old daughter.My brother-in-law (her brother) just got divorced. Rumor has it that his ex-wife has (and had) a new boyfriend. To make a long story short, my wife said to me "Do you know I made out with her once?". I asked "when was that?". She said it was the first time she tried ecstasy. I became upset because I remember when that was and we were dating at the time. She called me the next day to tell me all about it and I was really bummed as she had been with me a few times when I had done it and wouldn't do it with me. She told me all about how cool it was the next day, but definitly never told me about making out with her brother's gf. I'd have thought she was a flake and moved on for sure.So.... 1) I am most hurt by the fact that she did this and never told me. She was completely surprised by this and said that so much time had passed that in her head she made it out that it was before we were dating. After a couple days she told me she thinks she just basically lied to herself because she knew it was f**cked up. She swears there isn't anything else that she hasn't told me about. 2) She said her brother kept bugging her to do it. "I just want you two to be friends and like each other", etc. She said she didn't want her brother and his new girlfriend (now ex-wife) to think she wasn't cool. I think the whole this is disgusting and creepy to be honest.So should I be upset about this and what do I do? Part of me says who cares, she kissed someone the first time she did ecstasy 7 years ago and never did anything else (and I truly believe that). But a part of me says how can I ever trust someone who knew what they did was wrong, and chose a path of not telling me as the way to deal with it? My biggest issue is that I know for a fact had she told me, I wouldn't be married or have a kid with her - so I feel really cheated or some kind of feeling I can't put my finger on.TIA
View related questions:
divorce, ex-wife, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): Should you be upset? Good question but I would say that a lie of omission is just as serious as a lie of comission. And a proclivity towards homosexual behavior would be nice to know about before you got married and had children (especially when the behavior is with her future sister in law). But this is just my opinion.
One more thing, there is usually more, no matter how much she denies it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): It was seven years ago mate, let it go.
Has she given you ANY other reason in that seven years to suggest she cannot be trusted?
Most guys would pay good money to see what you are complaining about. Hell, married women get PAID to make out with other people in the very films you watch. Are you saying they can't be trusted either?
Time to shelve you pride, friend and let it be. Besides, I'm sure you did some stupid things under the influence of drugs, which is why the wise man does not consume them.
Flynn 24
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 July 2010):
 People think as long as it's cool, it's never wrong. That's why you see people getting drunk and having sex with strangers all the time. The fact that your wife blurted that out to you was indiscreet of her. If she really felt that was wrong she would have stopped her words from slipping out. She only told you it was "f**ked up" just so you feel she still has common sense. Think about it this way, had she not told you, you will still be happy with her, and she is the same exact woman whether or not you know about it. The fact is that she is now a good mom, a mature woman, and has no wish to act "cool" anymore. She probably became a better woman because of you. We all make mistakes, and should never let one mistake in the past represent who we are. For me, trying ecstasy is wrong. I have never tried drugs and never will. But I will never say that had I tried it I wouldn't do something stupid afterwards.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (7 July 2010):
 OK, so you used drugs too. You were bummed that she didn't trip with you, not that she tried the stuff. I have to ask if you ever did anything that (a) you're not proud of, or (b) that would have been a deal breaker for *her*, while you were using.
She did something under the influence that would have been a deal breaker for you had you known.
You've been married for five years and have a child together.
My question to you is, has anything happened *during your marriage* that makes you question whether she's a fit mother or a suitable life partner.
IMHO, stuff happens when we're young and before we're married. Later on we make a commitment to be mature and responsible. I agree that there can be deal breakers that happen, that justify breaking a marriage, that justify leaving kids without both parents. I suppose that if you yourself are purer than the driven snow, this could be one of them. But in the real world, it seems like a very trivial thing over which to put your family asunder.
...............................
|
