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male
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anonymous
writes: I have been married for just over 10 yrs to a wonderful super woman. She is my best friend, business partner, lover and mother of our two little children. I found out she was online chatting with some guys and girls and actually called some to continue to chat. This was about a year ago and I address it with her and she went to counselling and we tried to go together as well. It seems to be starting up again with instant messaging and phone calls and now maybe meeting in person. What can I do? I am not ready to give up on her....
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2005): I am sorry that you and your wife are experiencing this problem. It sounds like you love and respect her very much. And yes, you do have a valid concern. There are marriages that have been destroyed by a spouses internet addiction. Self-deception and denial can become intense. Often the one spouse feels neglected or lonely, and turns to the net as a distraction. They soon find all these wonderful people in chat rooms who understand them and appreciate them so much more than their own family.
Chat Room relationships are unique in the way that you can avoid confrontation, take a break from the mundane tasks and responsibilities of 'real' life. It's an escape. You create your own little world on the internet, always being around (seemingly) supportive people who you do not have to go through the highs and lows of everyday life. Enjoy chatting but don't let it become one's main focus. The internet is a wonderful tool and a great place to learn, but it should never take the place of face to face relationships, and should never become one's sole "haven".
You two should get back into marriage counseling. She needs to understand her 'addiction' will ruin her marriage, eventually. Take a hard look at any underlying issues in your family life, marriage and figure out "why" she's compelled to do this, all the time. If she's finding undestanding, companionship and understanding in chatrooms with strangers...then what can be lacking in her life . Is there more you both can work at for her to feel more happy and satisfied? Does she have real-life friends and social contacts she can visit with? Is she at home raising the two kids? Quite often, women get so wrapped up in nuturing, giving and tending to the needs of others, they lose that sense of identity. They want to mean more to others than just being a wife and mother. It's likely, she feels that she matters more to her friends, online and in chatrooms, than what she's getting from her family. Keep at the marriage counseling..keep supporting her. I wish you both well...take care
Hugs,
Irish
A
female
reader, missdee +, writes (22 September 2005):
Speaking from experience, the internet can ruin your marriage. If she insist on talking online have her stick to females that she is talking to. She has a man in her life and most men on the internet are only looking for one thing. That's not counting how dangerous it is to give out your number to them, because you don't really know who you are talking to. They can send you a picture and say this is me.. but is it really.. more times than is, it is not.
Any person can be anybody on the internet. That's how theses young girls get lead off to these men that will hurt them. She could even be putting your children in danger giving our your number.
Make yourself a part of her friends online. I am married and talk to several girls online but I never take time from my husband to do it and he is always welcome to join in on the conversation, and knows every one of my friends. Lots of Luck.
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