A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been with a wonderful woman for 11 years. no kids. we are best friends, we have a solid relationship, communication has improved over the years....we don't have sex much. once every couple months.I recently met and fell in love with another wonderful woman, unhappily married with two teenage boys. I've had the best sex i've ever had in my life, and then gradually fell head over heels in love, as she did with me....epic love. we are like estranged teens. finally her husband caught on because of texts. But she hasn't told him the full truth. I, however told my wife, everything, except how great the sex was. It's been 2 months since I've seen my lover. we are both dying inside. thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2009): Hi, I can really sympahise with you here as I am in a similar situation. Married for 7 years and with 2 kids. I feel we have drifted apart and that we have no intimacy in our relationship. We only slept together to have kids so in 5 years we have not slept together at all, not once.
I also have fallen for another woman and even after the first time we slept together there was that chemistry and intimacy that I guess your feeling too. If it was just sex it would of ended after the first one. I believe now that the sex, altough it's deeper than just sex, provides closness, intimacy, a way of expressing yourself without saying anything and pulling you closer.
I care for my wife alot but our marriage has not been right for years. I feel the same way you feel about your woman and it hurts to think that I may miss out on this chance of true love.
I am also in a trial separation but it makes it hard cause i want to see my kids. But I think the only way I can prove my love either way is to have no contact with my wife or the other woman. It is really hard dealing with the upset wife but my head says stay for the wrong reasons but my heart says leave for the other woman.
Would be great to hear from you to see how you got on with you trial separation. message me if you wanna talk, i can see this is an old post so things may of moved on for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGinalolabridga,
thank you so much for your thoughtful posts. after having re-read them today i realize how much care was taken. really helpful. would love to hear from you again re: current events.
an update. we are in a trial seperation. we are only seeing each other in passing, looking after our gorgeous country home and beautiful animals, we love so much. i'm living in the city mostly.
in retrospect, the lack of sex is really not a small issue. it is also a lack of intimacy. i think drinking a fair amount didn't help with that. it has been kind of a barrier.
i think i was abandoned from my mother for a year at age 3. this has always created a deep deep need to be touched, and loved my women, and also a need to love them. strangely they often want to mother me as well, which isn't ultimately good for a sex life. well not in this case it isn't. its been very very hard to be with one woman all these years.
i don't know what to do. i'm stuck. my business fell apart through this whole thing. and i'm kind of a mess. part of me wants to just runaway and find a new life somewhere. a simpler life. to examine my "issues" with women a little deeper.
honestly the teenage boys don't scare me. maybe i'm an idiot. but they are very self -sufficient, off doing their own thing. it just feels like this is a love that wants to happen. it feels so primal, and healing and deep.
and then this lovely wife is sitting in the country, trying to manage that expensive house and everything else, while i try and find work to help her. she can't take the wait anymore. she knows its "our" decision, but really it feel like i have to make a move her, because it is just cruel to both women, who are both wonderful, incredible people.
the third choice is to sell everything and live alone. and to be honest i might be leaning that way. it will feel terrible i'm sure, but maybe its more honest than living a double life, both romantically and financially. (meaning i don't think that life is affordable anymore).
thoughts appreciated deeply.
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A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (2 December 2008):
 A fling is where two people live in a fantasy world. No bills, no problems, no real-life traumas. Everything seems so right. Both are on their best behavior. True love is staying together for 11 years, raising kids, pulling the weight of life together. When you married, you chose well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you Ginalolabridga !
really appreciate all your thoughts.
i'm still with my wife. and we are working on things. i just miss my lover soooooo much, i go into the woods and cry nearly every other day. she keeps flashing into my thoughts and my dreams and touching me as if a phantom, and i wake up and realize she is not there. I those glorious six months we created a whole future together. i know she is in pain even though i really don't talk to her.
i feel like i'm going to die, like i've lost my zest for life, and my heart will never sing again. and yet i vaguely remember falling in love with my wife 11 years ago, so maybe there is some addiction to love, or to be loved. why do we only get to fall in love once in life?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit sounds like there is a lot of regret or sadness around ending marriages. and it would certainly be sad for me and my wife. my therapist says i should move on (leave my wife) - to do what makes me happy. but something about that doesn't sit right. i want to be happy, but therapists always seem so pro - YOU, don't they?
so if i move on, am i not ultimately the same person? should i not be investing my faith in the power of one woman to change my life and make me happy anew? i guess i'd like someone in a long-term relationship, longer than my 11 years, to say, stick it out, it gets really good. I just miss wonderful lovemaking. (and she is sort of pre-menopausal and just a bit overweight and has some body issues, even though she is gorgeous, but it keeps her from feeling sexy..) and the lover is very physical and VERY confident sexually.
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A
male
reader, nssmart  +, writes (12 October 2008):
Why not hook up with your new girl to have sex, and leave the rest as it is?As far as I'm getting it, she's great in sex, in contrast to your wife.There are thousands things beside sex which are important. Having sex does not require to spoil at least 3 lives (including 2 kids' lives).P.S. Take a look at sex movies at http://movies.smartssex.com/Those people have a lot of great sex, but does it mean they'd stay with every lover there? I do doubt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): Dear Friend...you and your wife should run to counseling together. Do everything you can to try to make your marriage work. Try, please, please try. The newness of this new lady will wear off...it will become comfortable and you will want back into your previous marriage.I can understand your point of view, but please try your hardest to make your current marriage work. I admire you for telling your wife the truth. And I assume that the two of you are still together.Get to counseling...quickly...talk and communicate. When did the sex begin to wane for you two? Tell that to the counselor. Do not contact the other woman. Find your faith or your spiritual side. Do you believe in a Higher Being such as God. Pray, pray, pray. This seems hard to do...very hard; but marriage is very, very important. I divorced by husband to only realize that what we had was very special. We both got lazy and I ran from the marriage, when I should have stayed and worked throught the issues. We have discussed reconciliation, but I caused him a lot of hurt. So, I am not sure we will be together or not.Do everything you can to save your marriage...communicate as much as you can. Find what it was that attracted you two in the first place.Once you've done everything that you possibly can, then, you may want to consider a separation. If after you have done every possible thing, you may need to consider a divorce. I hate divorce now.All the best to you and yours. I am pulling for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust to elaborate....we are both willing to leave our marriages, but i guess i'm wondering about the damage to her boys' lives, and if it will be worth it, and whether you you can ever re-gain at least 50 percent of the sexual chemistry you once had with your wife. and how do you go back to that after having life-changing love-making, and laughter....
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