A
male
age
51-59,
*ust-me-789
writes:Well, I will try to keep this short and to the point but sorry if I linger. I am 35 years old, was married to a great 42 year old woman until 2009-04, unfortunately no children, that was a difficult hurdle in our marriage as we kept miscarrying. I left her for a 22 year old coworker, yes I know that anyone reading this is likely shocked but it's true. Something clicked between us, yes to answer the next question, I did cheat with this girl prior to telling my Wife that I was leaving. Since then the "girlfriend" and I moved away so she could take some schooling, I am very employable and thought it was best to get out of town for all concened along with many other reasons to leave. I found out today that my ex Wife is now dating an old friend of hers, now again, I know, what difference or right do I have to this new event. I know. In the past 6 months my Wife and I have talked about getting back together, mending the failures in our marriage and forgiving the mistakes, thing is, she doesn't know that I let this girl move in with me. She suspects that we are still seeing each other but with no confirmation. Keep in mind that I have also asked this girl to move out on 3 seperate occasions and then I back down because of the tears, concern of where she would go and one threat of suicide from her. I feel that because she is in school, she is in some ways using me because I pay all the bills and rent and she pays for her car and cell phone. I have told her this during a previous arguement and she insists this is not the case but it's simply that she does not have much money, somehow I believe her, she contributes to groceries and household chores though. I have been running on the theory that if my Wife doesn't need to know it will somehow reduce the hurt and pain that I have already inflicted. My question after all the history is "What do I do? I Love my Wife, she Loves me, she is willing to work on this, I don't feel I am worthy of her, should I just let her go and be happy?"
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): '.... found out today that my ex Wife is now dating an old friend of hers......" you truly are a piece of work. you only now want the wife since she is moving on with hers. a very selfish adulterer. you want to hold back your wife even while you are still sleeping with the 22 year old. wonder when the wife realises what game you are playing. i think she would be happy with her friend, after all he is not an adulterer. you may not want her but you do not want another man to have her!
A
male
reader, just-me-789 +, writes (17 November 2009):
just-me-789 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009):
I can't help but agree with you, on all points in fact, I realize that I have being a piece of @#$% during this whole mess, what you wrote does not surprise me at all. In fact, I knew that I had to "man up" and tell her everything, I did this last night, it went better than I thought it would and came to the same conclusions that you and likely every other reader came to, the girl need to go first, look out for myself before anything is possible between my Wife and I. No surprise on the beating that I will take on this subject either, Thanks all the same for your input.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): Honestly speaking, yes you do need to let your wife go and let her be happy. What you have done and is continuing to do, is not fair to your wife. You still haven't truly confessed to the fact that you have moved your mistress in your home. How is it that you are truly trying to work on your marriage when you are still lying and being secretive? You don't deserve your wife, she deserves so much better.
I know that I'm not the only person that is going to tell you this, but everything that you are going through with the 22 year old child is exactly what you deserve. I don't know what led you to cheat on your wife, but as you can see, the grass is dead and brown on the other side of the fence. Karma ain't nothing nice is it?
Just for the record this little girl isn't going to just go away. If you are able to get away from her, she is going to make you and your wife's life pure unadulterated hell. She obviously is not going to let you go easily. But hey, it's your fault, you play you pay.
If your wife does for some strange reason takes you back, then you need to be completely honest with her for one. How is she going to trust you if you are still lying to her? You are going to have to man up and tell her what is really going on. Don't dance around the issue about not wanting to hurt her. Apparently, you never really cared about her feelings in the first place because you cheated on her and left her for this girl. Again, if you want to reconcile with your wife, grow a pair and tell her EVERYTHING. Then the both of you need to go through extensive therapy. You are also going to have to understand that it's going to take her a long time to trust you again. You are going to have patience. You are going to have to come just short of a miracle to make it work.
Personally, I think that your wife is better off. She didn't deserve what you did to her and how can you say you love her when you are so willing to leave her for a woman who has barely been on her own. If she does take you back, understand that this is going to be a hard long road. Now that is a third person that you have bought in and from the look of it, she ain't trying to go nowhere. Best of luck
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