A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HI,I am 36 years old, married and have three kids, 9, 4 and 3. My wife is also 36 and we have been married for 10 years. We have a nice life - good kids, good jobs, good family support. Due to the kids, we have spent the better part of the last 8 years in separate rooms. I would call our sex life "appointment based". And while my wife compliments be on my looks, says what a great dad I am and am a great provider, I have always wondered why she NEVER really initiates the sex. Recently, it has been bugging me so much that i told her we are going to start sleeping in the same bed and having a more intimate relationship. She seemed like she was on board and thought it is the right thing to do, but since we have started to do this, the sex life has not improved at all. I asked her about this and to my surprise, she said that she just isn't that interested in sex! She said that there has always been something "missing" in that one department with me and she doesn't know why, but it has never been enough to ruin our nice life together. She said she is willing to be married and not be very sexually active. Again - we do have sex about 1-2 times a month and she is usually able to have an orgasm. Since we have been in the bed though, she said she is uncomfortable with me, never has an orgasm and does not know why. She is in fine shape so weight or anything like that isn’t a problem. She said it is eating her up too and she knows I am upset about it and wants to fix it and to give her time. But if this has been going on for her for 10 years, how could it change?? I am able to see her facebook accounts, texts, etc. and she is not cheating. I am just heartbroken that this is happening and am beating myself up over what I am doing wrong?? I don't think she has turned "cold", but think that it is a brother like feeing for me instead of husband. I think if we did split up, she might find that spark with someone and that would be devastating to me. I just don't know what to do, love my wife and kids and don’t know how life would be without them! Please help.
View related questions:
facebook, heartbroken, not interested in sex, orgasm, sex life, spark, split up, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): Hi...I posted the original question and have an update. My wife and I got into a very bad argument on late Saturday night about this topic. She ended up telling me that in our first relationship (we first dated and broke up about 3 years before we actually got married), she broke up with me because she felt this lack of sexual spark. She said the guy she left me for gave her that feeling and "that was something they always had" - whether they were getting along or fighting, the sex was always good and that chemistry was there. She ended up dumping him after about 18 months because nothing else was very good in the relationship and she saw no long term future with him. She ended up chasing me for about 6 months after they broke up and then of course we got married about a year later becasue I loved her and missed her. This was very painful to hear, especially since she cheated on me with him before we broke up – again because I was such a good guy and she didn’t want to let me go or hurt me. I know I am a good man in that department and never had these issues with anyone else I have dated, so while I know it is not a problem for me, it is really hurtful because my wife said it to me. I left the house for about 30 minutes after hearing this and when I got home she was crying and saying she loves me, and that I am so great in all ways and attractive, but is not sure how to get that spark with me. She said she wants to fix it because of the life we have together, our kids, and she misses that feeling too. I think she was being very honest but it is a big question for her right now. Then on Sunday, she of course said she regrets having an argument like that, saying anyting about an ex to me and never wants to leave. So I was glad to hear that, but I just don't know how she can change how she feels about me in that one major department. She did say she thinks I talk about sex too much and over the last few months have been "pressuring her" (which I have been), and she feels like I am overbearing in that department. I can understand that to a point. I think if i relax, make sure I am a confident person and let it come to me instead of whining about it to her, that could help. Thoughts?? Is this savable?
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (4 October 2011):
 "She said she is willing to be married and not be very sexually active."
Funny how women never seem to think of that before getting married. But, you're in it now, so the best you can do is try to fix things up a bit.
Foreplay starts when you wake up. Take the time each morning to make physical contact - hold her from behind, kiss her, rub her shoulders, or pull her up against you and just look into her eyes. You should maintain physical contact for a minimum of five or ten seconds for each of these. Slap her ass afterwards. Make the effort to be upbeat and cheerful before you leave for work; griping about the early wakeup can wait until you're on the road.
When you get home, repeat the process. Show her you are genuinely happy to be home and to see her. At the same time, if she starts telling you about her problems or her day, stop her and tell her gently but firmly that you just got home and now is not the time for it. The mix of care and dominance is a vital part of building up to real foreplay later. You need to be in charge and make her want you.
Make evenings more playful. Go out more often, cook dinners together and try to enjoy it, laugh with the kids, just treat life in general like it was a game. This is doubly true when she's in a bad mood - her mood should never dictate yours. The attitude is that you are inviting her to enjoy life with you, not busting your ass to cater to any complaints. She has the option of joining you or not, but you won't let it bother you.
If you can do this stuff consistently for a while, she should eventually start opening up for sex more often. Start small. This is an investment, not a quick-fix. If she's not really up for sex, just finger her to climax (if she refuses that and doesn't offer a handjob, read on). The next night, if she's still not up for sex, do that same, then guide her hand over so she can give you a handjob. Keep working your way around the bases. Attitude is everything here - you have to force yourself to take refusal in stride for now. Again, you're inviting her to be happy with you, in a world of your own making, not in one that changes with her whims and moods.
This is not a guaranteed solution. If things don't work, especially if its because of a clear lack of effort on her part, you have to bring things up for a real talk. Make it clear that sex is a big part of why you got married. Make it clear that whatever her libido is like, you have one too, and either she has to be more considerate for all your efforts, or you're going to find another solution to the problem (by which I mean divorce and finding a new woman, though it's best to leave that unspoken - normally I'm very anti-divorce, but if she actively refuses to do her part after all this effort then the marriage is practically over anyway). Your tone here should be matter-of-fact, not threatening. You are informing her of a physical reality, not whining or making demands. Obviously, don't have this talk unless you are really willing to seek satisfaction elsewhere.
Even after you have that talk, you have to keep up the new attitude and efforts for a while until she's had a chance to change. Not too long, though.
...............................
A
male
reader, DDOC  +, writes (4 October 2011):
Hmmm. This could be a little complicated. Most women do love sex as much as men. But fatigue, stress, children... life in general can get in the way of a good sex life... for both sexes. A Jesuit priest once taught me this: For a guy sex can take 5 minutes. For a girl... 30 minutes. What he was trying to say is that women do need to be in the mood... and the mood starts 24 hrs before the sex begins. So anything that might affect her mood in that time before sex will make "getting in the mood" a challenge.
A warm bath, a sensual massage may help. But start slow - a date, a movie, a dinner (get the kids babysat). Renew the courtship - it is so easy to forget what it was like as a couple - so both oy you need to work on this. And please be sure you are attentive to her needs and her sexual needs. Make sure you understand what "turn her on" and also what does not. Make slow sensual love (not wham bam thank you m'am.) Consider (this is hard) going to a local love shop and getting her a vibrator - to help her self satisfy (the theory - use it or lose it) - if she can self arouse on a more regular basis - her body may respond to your advances. This could be fun coupls stuff eventually.
Despite all this, some women (and some men) truly lose interest (or never had) is sex. Rare maybe.... but possible. good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 October 2011):
 Welcom to marraige in the real world. Most husbands live with this problem. There's no answer to it because the female world sees this as a no problem problem and that we men are just too creepy to fully understand their "feelings"...just keeping it real,my friend.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): Dear 'My wife isn't interested in sex'- Women love sex!If she says it doesn't matter it is because she doesn't have much hope for it. Most women get tired of trying to explain to get their husbands to turn them on. Please go to the internet and find some articles from Men's Health magazine and other articles that explain how to bring a woman to orgasm.I heard you say you usually get her to orgasm. If you want a better sex life this needs to happen 10 of 10 ten times. Have fun! Tell your wife you want to please her.Emotion Lotion and different oils will shake things up a bit.Massage,play (I will give you a key: the clitoris should be handle with a much pressure as you put on a grape) Learn how to please your wife in bed first and she will always be willing to give in return. Oral sex and her legs over the head after she has been aroused(10-15min for the average woman) I think the trappings of what tells us that we 'should be happy' has clouded your view of what is important.Do a chore or two unexpectedly. Send the kids to a sitter and take her out to a well thought out romantic evening.Make sure her work schedule is calm. (Recreate one of your special moments, ie. when you first met, when you went exclusive) There is an emotional disconnect that you have got to bridge if you want this to work. I would like to see how this turns out once you do it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2011): I know this is funny but it could be her birth control if she is on any type of hormones. Ironically birth control can really kill your libido. If it bothers her that she is this way, I would have her discuss it with her doctor. A woman's hormones are crucial to her being able to have any interest in sex at all.
...............................
|
