A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 31 yrs old and married some six years back. We did not have a child due to the infertility problem from my wife side. I am an assistant professor. I am the only kid for my family. I want to have kids.Therefore I decided to divorce. I need your comments.Thank u in advance!!
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female
reader, Madeliene  +, writes (11 November 2016):
Yes Divorce her she is better off without you maybe she will marry a real man who will be a man enough to know that she completes his world and needs no one. You will grow old one day and this very child u are so dying to have will leave only the wife will be there to help u in your old age but beleive me u deserve that. Also it is better u divorce her as you will be ome bitter and make her miserable. Hope she has a better and more beautiful life without u in it. For you, you shall reap what you shall sow.You need a child more than a wife so dont marry. get a surrogate get a child pay the surrogate and live happily ever after with your child. Boy people like you who discard people from their lives as per your desires and convenience disgust me. My husband of 29 years was involved in an accident lost his manhood and yet is loved by me for I did not marry him for sex. But men like u god help the women in whose life you step into
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): My wife is infertile. It hurts and pains me that I cannot have children. She feels it is Ok not to have children. From my childhood I grew up loving the little babies around me. And children love me a lot. I always longed for having my own children.
My wife does not feel the pain. She does not even talk about it. She burns with anger when I want to express my self about children. It pains me a lot.
Many articles I read say that women feel the pain of not having children, but I can tell you that I feel a lot more pain.
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female
reader, Patricia123  +, writes (31 August 2012):
My fiance left me for being infertile. He got another woman pregnant immediately and married her.There is no other way that I can describe the intensity of the sorrow I go through. There is no light at the end.But, I guess, life worked out well for him. He has a family now, and a "real" woman. God only cursed me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): my husband wants to divorce me because i cannot have a child. i was pregnant and got a miss carriage and never got pregnant again. i brought him over to the USA give him a green card. he was sick with typhoid fever and also had a nervous breakdown i did not leave him and now that he has got back his health he wanted to divorce me because i cannot have a child.
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female
reader, ryubaby  +, writes (30 July 2010):
That's sad. Im 34, I think I have the same problem with your wife. Im not sure if Im ever gonna be a mother. I feel broken, invalid, failure. My ex-husband of 9 years got someone else pregnant and now we are divorced ( almost 2 years now ) Im happy anyway, happy for him and his new family. Although Im sad for myself. I have a new bf, and he knows what my problem is. I told him that I will understand if/when he decides to leave me cause I know having children is important to him. We have a good relationship and we genuinely love each other. We never promise each other that we will be together forever, we just promised that we should be loving and honest all the time, happines is very important to us and also our health and fitness. Some posters are right, no one can guarantee that merely having kids will make you happy. There are family who have several children but they are divorced. Some childless couples I know are still together, having fun with themselves, the one with children some of them are divorced due to financial problems or infidelity or stress from work. So what happened to your relationship??
Please reply. You asked and we answer, so please let us know what happened..Thanks..
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female
reader, anoncantsay  +, writes (3 May 2010):
I know this post was a couple years ago but the judgemental responses made me so angry, I just had to post.
I got married 5 years ago, before the marriage right from day one, I made it very clear that I needed to have children. One year into the marriage, we got tests and found out he was completely infertile. He also refused to let me use a sperm donor or embryo adoption. I was not willing to adopt because the caucasian children available are all toddlers or older and it is very unusual for them NOT to have some form of disability. I do not have it in me to choose to parent a child like that.
Eventually, after four horrendous years of depression, anxiety and huge resentment I left him and divorced him for unreasonable behaviour because of his refusal to use a sperm donor. If he didn't love me enough to support me in having a biological child, how could I love him enough to stay with him?
For some people, having kids is a dealbreaker. If this was made clear before marriage and infertility is discovered after marriage, the infertile party might have the right to refuse treatment. But the fertile party then has the right to say 'that is not good enough'. It works both ways.
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female
reader, REllen  +, writes (18 February 2010):
HiThis post is an old one. so maybe you have already taken your decision.All i can say is that your feelings are understandbale. it is a very difficult and sad decision to make. Not everyone can empathise with you. Why dont you tell us all what happend? please.
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female
reader, zakirfan +, writes (10 November 2009):
How can you do that to someone? Clearly you don't love her enough to work this out. I think that is such a shallow decision and you shouldn't even have kids anyway.
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female
reader, zakirfan +, writes (10 November 2009):
How can you do that to someone? Clearly you don't love her enough to work this out. I think that is such a shallow decision and you shouldn't even have kids anyway.
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female
reader, Justalady +, writes (21 November 2008):
Hi, I understand where you are comming from. I want a biological child as well. But my husband does not have the ability to get me pregnant. He does not want to use sperm donation. nor does he want to adopt. I have made it clear that I will not remain is a childless marraige. we have been trying for 3yrs. I went and let doctors run test on me in the first yr of our marraige, as well as the next 2 yrs.. All test showing me to be very fertile. My husband did not want to get tested. In the 3rd yr he said he would be tested.. He did not seem to be surprised at not being able to get me pregnant. So I believe he knew he was infertile, and was scard to tell me. Okay I can understand the fear. But I do love him, and made it clear I would be willing to use sperm donation. But He thinks I should be happy with only him. before we married we spoke about having children. And I let him know how important children was to me. we were together 3yrs before we married. And starting a family was always part of the conversation. But after we were married. He avoided the conversation about children. I am 36yr young.. lol and he is 42... we married late... and neither of us have kids... I understand he can't fix his infertility. But neither can I. He does not want to go to couples council to work for a resolve. So something has to give. I hope he will soon agree to me using sperm donation. Or I don't see us being together much longer. I know that sounds bad. But I don't want us to end up hating my husband... And I know if he could give me a child he would. But just wanting to, Is not enough. I say all that, to say this. If your wife really loves you.... she will agree to using another method for you to have a biological child. Like using a surrogate mother... or egg donation. If she dosn't agree, she is just being selfish. It is not your fault that she is unable to have a baby. And you should not be punished for it, And neither should she. I would not divorce her if she is willing to use egg donation with your sperm. but if she does not. she is being selfish. like she is punishing you for having the ability to father a child. the baby would be yours and hers together. If she loves you.Then she should be able to love your biological child... as much as she would a adopted child. unless she is jelous that the child will have your blood, but not hers. You will have to just sit down with your wife and talk. And make the best decision you can. Instead of regreating it for the rest of both of your lives. I would not just use egg donation by way of surrogate mother without her agreeing to it. And just hope she will come around. A baby should be born into a home with two loving parents... not one that loves and the other to jelous to love... Hope this helps !!! Best of luck !!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): If a biological child is really important to you. No matter how much you love your wife. It will eventually turn to hate, anger and blame if you do not resolve this issue soon. Every one wants to tell you to be supportive of your spouse, which is the right thing to do. But she has to understand that a marraige is not all about her feelings. Cause you need understanding as well. and a compromise and agreemant will have to be made. Or this marraige it doomed to divorce. You will not be happy cause you do not have a biological child. And everytime you look at her you will think about the kids she dont have. And she will not be happy cause she knows it is her fault. I understand adoption is not a choice for you. cause you have the ability to father a child. So not it is time to sit down with you wife and have a serious conversation. If the doctors has oficially said your wife does not have the ability to have a child. You need to sit down with your wife and talk about using a surrogate mother and egg donation from a cryobank. Many couples haves used the method. Due to a woman not having the ability to carry and give birth to a child. I saw on the news the other day. A grandmother is alabama, gave birth to her grandchildren " twin girls" cause her daughter cold not carry them. Where there is a will there is a way.I wish you and your wife all the luck. Hugs
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2008): I too understand this situation. I've been married for 7 years and my wife and I have been trying to have a baby for 6years. We've tried several proceedures and no luck. I want a child so bad that I often think of leaving home. My wife has a child from a previous marriage. Those who have children will never understand this delima. I too would like someone to answer this question that have experienced this situation. Not those who have children.
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A
female
reader, Rouge fille +, writes (5 August 2008):
This is your decision and you do what is best for you. Although I believe you need to consider your wife's feelings. Does she feel the same about the divorce? If yes, then go ahead. If no... try to help her to get over it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): Hello
What has the Professor title got to do with this?
Anyway to your question you want advice,
would this be on how to have children?
OR on what you did to your wife?
There are many ways to have children.
Love!
Adoption!
Step dad!
i.v.f.
Surrogacy.
Fostering
There are many ways also to be a parent.
You can be a biological loveless parent.
You could be a non biological parent with endless love for the child.
You could have a child merely to carry on the lineage.
You could have a child simply because it's natural to want one.
Your wife could not meet your requirements, so obviously you had no need for her and decided to divorce.
If this is how you treated your wife, i think it's probably best that you don't have children as you can not just throw people away because they are of no use to you. What if you do the same to your children you'll find that one of those wonderful REAL parents may adopt your child when you throw them away. You are a disgrace and utterly selfish and i hope your x wife has a child to a real man. You even blamed her for the problem...COWARD. Mr ASS professor a good parent is not SELFISH, get YOUR OWN problem sorted out before you blame your poor wife, who you have probably crushed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): PS: Daniel and Emily have provided alternative suggestions in case you haven't already considered these. Maybe your wife would be open to you getting a child by other means. My mother had 5 miscarriages/stillbirths before she gave birth to me, my father loves kids, I'm only glad that he didn't leave her because she had problems conceiving before I was born. Miracles can happen sometimes, but if not, there are still opportunities for us to make our own luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): What can I say. Children are very important to you, as a single child, and childless myself, I know how important this may be. You've already made your decision, so what can I say that will change your mind. I'm sorry for your wife, this was not her fault, but it is also not yours. There are alternatives, your from Ethopia, I am sure there are plenty of children that need a home. Even if your wife didn't have a fertility problem, there is no guarantee that you could have a child that would survive and thrive. You could find a new wife, have a disabled child, what will you do then. Throw her away as well? No guarantees in life. You pays your money, and then you takes your choice. You say nothing about the love and friendship you shared. Another woman may give you kids, but will she love you as much as your current wife does. This is hard, but it's your life and your decision. There are alternatives to having a child by your wife, but I'm sure you've thought of that already. I have nothing else to add, except to say that life is long, and your solution (divorce) may still not give you the happiness you crave. Take care of you, and may blessings and good luck touch you both.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (4 August 2008):
 this really was not fair of you at all.this woman found out that she was infertile and probably felt like a failure as a wife, guilty, broken, and not wholly a woman anymore. you of course made this a reality for her by abandoning her when she needed you most. my heart goes out to this woman. did you even sit down and discuss alternative options with her? IVF, surrogacy, adoption? im glad you divorced her because now i hope she will find a man who is willing to go that extra mile to have a happy family with her. of course i would be crushed if i were you but if i really loved my partner, i would stay with them and work through it. i would not be willing to lose the person i love to a bump in the road like this. i dont really think you truly love her if you were able to turn your back so easily.
but...you already made your decision so i guess we cant really help you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 August 2008):
 Oh, this one will be a polemic post. You're a man who is asking for advice on leaving his wife because he wants children. Many people in our Western world won't fully understand what this means for you.
Your wife will feel devastated to know that you're leaving her because she can't conceive and you want a biological son. I'm sure she wanted some herself, too, and it must be a problem for her, in your culture and being a woman, to know that she can't conceive. That would indeed be hard on someone, as it suggests that she's only good if she can give birth to a child. And that is not her fault.
I think you should exhaust the options first, as Emilyanswers suggested.
Having children that are biologically yours is sometimes a very strong psychological need, for men and women alike. Where I live, the matter is usually "settled" by sleeping with someone else who will give you the child. I don't think I have to say that's wrong, and, before anyone thinks otherwise, I'm not suggesting you do this. That hurts the mother, hurt the other woman, and hurts the child, just for the satisfaction of one man.
Fathering is not like mothering in the sense that you don't carry the child in your womb. Your bond to your child usually comes not so much from blood, but from contact. Some fathers do not feel a bond to children who are biologically theirs, because they haven't shared any life experiences and don't feel sort of "represented" or "perpetuated" in that child. Also, some men do feel that a child who is not theirs is indeed their own "seed". I happen to have experienced BOTH things, as a child; and I have happened to love children who are not mine, as a man.
All that was just the disclaimer to avoid a deluge of criticism. When all is said and done, if you don't think you can live a happy life with your wife, leave her. I'm afraid that this psychological need of yours would destroy the marriage anyways. If you can't handle this, and many people in our countries can't, it's best if you part ways and find happiness elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, DoodlePixie +, writes (4 August 2008):
I understand where you're coming from - if i ended up with an infertile partner i'd be crushed...but if i really loved them i don't think i could end my relationship just because they cannot have children. These days with technology their are so so many options, as Emily said - IVF, adoption, alsorts.
It's a very drastic decision and may make your wife feel as if she was nothing more to you than a potential baby making machine. Think about her feelings here too - she may be devistated that she cannot naturally concieve.
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A
female
reader, x..BabyGirl..x +, writes (4 August 2008):
 I agree with Emily, but as she is infertile it means her eggs can't conceive a baby. So surrogacy and IVF wouldn't work. However adoption would be a great option to consider.
Giving a child who has nothing a home with loving parents. It's an honorable thing to do.
I don't think your wife's infertility is reason enough to divorce her, how do you think that makes her feel? If it was you that was infertile do you believe she'd divorce you for that fact? I think you should sort out where your morals lay, stick by the woman you married and consider your options before giving up.
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female
reader, LIERIN +, writes (4 August 2008):
 Wow
Thats horrible! You had perfectly fine relationship with your wife and you leave her only because she can't give you children???? That is sooooooo selfish of you!
I understand children are imporant to you, but there are ways toget them without breaking a perfectly normal relationship that you two are having.
Did you concider adoption, surrogacy or IVF????? There are so many different ways ... Dont give up on that poor woman, just because she cant have children!!! You will destroy her by telling her, that you are divorcing hr, because she cant give you any chlidren!!!!!!
Be a man not a phatetic lil child!!!!
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female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (4 August 2008):
 If you divorce her because she can't give you a child..that means what you never truly loved her in the first place. There are many options out there and it's a shame that you don't try every single thing before you rush into divorce.
Your vows were in "sickness and in health". It's just a shame you are going to leave her because of something that she cannot control. So shallow and selfish. She's more devestated than you are and instead of being there for her and reassuring her, you look at your own needs.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): That wasn't fair at all. Just because she can't get pregnant herself there are many other ways you could get a child together. I totally disagree with your decision i think you was selfish and un-thoughtful. It is not your wifes fault and if you love her you would understand that.
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (4 August 2008):
IVF? Surrogacy? Adoption?
Just because your wife cannot physically give birth does not stop her from being a wonderful mother.
We do not live in the 19th century. There are options through science.
Don't rush into abandoning the woman you love simply because she cannot perform well in one area of your life. I am sure you are not a perfect husband either.
Talk to her about your options and work something out.
Good Luck!! xx
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