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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife has asked for details related to my sexual past. Some of these woman were childhood friends we new before we were both married. I am one to keep my past in the past but she is one that likes to know up front as to not ever be the odd person out and finding something out about me from another person, this makes her feel betrayed. These thoughts have now affected our sex life. She tells me she thinks of others when performing oral sex. She tells me it bothers her that I never used condoms... it makes her feel dirty knowing were my penis has been. She gets very graphic with her feelings and I see her pain and it really hurts me. I know I wouldnt want to feel that way with those thoughts. She has told me this issue never had such an impact before with others do to her love for me. anyone out there with these same issues and how to overcome it. We have an exceptional relationship and love each other dearly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): Your wife need counseling, individually to get to real crux of her mindset and find out 'why' she is so burdened with this pain. It's too bad that the details and numbers of past lovers does matter to her, and most likely the reason is jealousy and insecurities, trust issues..but I do think her problems run deeper. Has she ever been emotionally wounded real bad, in her past? Something in her thought processes is happening here. Whatever it is, she needs to conquer this demon. And herein lies the key to her true healing--trusting you, the man who doesn’t betray her, and who won’t let her down will allow that part of you to open up again. Hopefully, with some counseling she'll attain the atttitude of being free and can say, "I'm with him..he's with me. We are both faithful to each other..then that's all we need to know-so, let's just enjoy life". Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): I've been in that position before...feeling like that toward my boyfriend at the time. I got rid of him though because his sexual history was with other women while we were together...but thats another story. Still the feelings were similiar to that of your wife. I found it easier to except if we no longer had anything to do with his past sexual partners to begin with and a lot of trying to create new experiences of our own that far outwayed what was involved with previous ones. Competition is kinda the way I had to deal with it seeing as self - confidence was the key factor to why it all bothered me so much. If she knows all the little details of your sexual encounters from the past then that may be the only way is for you to do a little study or imaginitive thinking and come up with some really special ways of making love ie: places, times, moods etc. In the back of her mind she'll know whether they even come close to anything to do with your priors so be aware of that wont you? Originality is what you want. We'd do role play, go bush, use food all really creative ways of having sex to make the past experiences of his seem so insigificant that they didn't seem to matter quite as much. She really can't help thinking those things without knowing that she even compares in your mind...to do with sex. Its very infectious when you start thinking like that and very hard to stop it. I remember I felt bad for the way I made me bf at the time feel but I couldn't help it!! Just try to create your own memories and be so obsessed by doing it and talking about what u have done together and in time it might not affect you both so much. That is all I can come up with at the moment...I do understand how your wife feels it's absolutely terrible to have to think like that about someone you know you love!! Good Luck!!
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