A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have used this site a few times and thank those who have added comments, it helps. Will try to be brief here... Married for 12 years, 3 great kids. Wife and I have always been great friends, quite a bit in common but our sex life has always been questionable. In saying this, it has been infrequent and there have been numerous times where it seems intimacy was either avoided or just not thought of when it really should have been. This has been a random discussion for us as well that comes up, and we brush it under the rug and just get busy with our life. The other parts of our life, family, kids, friendship, are pretty solid.Recently though this has come up as more of an issue, her saying she needs to have a spark in her marriage and feels it never really existed (i cannot agree or disagree with that – she has her feelings), over the past 2 years or so my wife has been going out more with her friends, etc. I found a couple of texts from her to a guy that is part of the go out crew and confronted her on them, they were inappropriate but i don't have any way to know if physical affair happened. Well in November she took a full time job where she works and space between us widened, there have been times when she would go out after work and not tell me, she said she was working. Not because she was necessarily cheating, but because after working 10 hours a spouse should come home to wife and kids, not want to go out. Many of these co-workers are younger and single and there are two guys she works with that are divorced.I started noticing she was texting all of the time, I mean constantly, so I asked her about it and she admitted nothing. She said yes she was texting another guy but he was a work friend. Well i got on her account and found 1000 texts between them. Since then we have gone from living together to a trial separation, at her choice and I agreed, being at home was not working. She has now given me access to her verizon account and said i can look at it all I want, yes she is texting another guy, but it is nothing physical. I have since moved, out, at her request, but then she says sorry and she has said please give me 30 days of true separation to see if we can work this out. She did agree to counseling, etc which are positive. Well the problem is, no more than 24 hours go by and she is saying please give her this time but don't give up on her, she misses me dearly, she wants to work it out. She is asking me to have date nights, etc. I feel like I have been a doormat for her (has her cake and eat it too), I always give in, put up with her texting, going out, etc and still do everything for her, and that is not working. So do i essentially ignore her pleas, act as if my life is grand and just let her know what it is she will be missing? It seems to work after only one day. Finally, don't you think I have a right to stand firm that nothing can happen with us until she stops the texting and makes some changes in her life?? I mean I am a great man, great dad, make a lot of money, cook, clean, etc. Confused...thanks.
View related questions:
affair, co-worker, divorce, money, sex life, spark, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): You are an awesome good guy and difficult to get.I think when she picked you she chose between lust and getting a good guy. Now after 12 years she's missing the passion, or the lust aspect. So then she's fishing to see if she'll get better but then she's unsure if she should go for lust or stay with everything you offer her. She probably could get lust but then will she be truly happy? So now, she wants to answer that question by feeling the effect of losing you, but still having the option to go back. You need to decide what's best for both of you and don't become prideful. Is a divorce better for you and the kids? what are the costs involved? Or is being together better and then till when? Next, I think she underestimates the effect of no contact. I've seen another guy try this and the break ended up becoming a break up. You can't expect a person to turn love off and on whenever you want. If she wants this break she needs to understand that that love will need to be rebuilt if she chooses to come back. And there's a serious possibility that she'll just lose everything. Both a good guy, and her prospects of passion may turn up empty.
A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 If she means what she says sounds like she's really trying to make a go of it and work things out. Ignoring her will just push her away in the long term.
If you are happier without her then that is fair enough but don't punish her for the sake of it if she is trying to change and open up to you.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (29 January 2013):
 It certainly sounds like things are tumultuous between you and your wife.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like there is a lack of passion for one another. Not only that, but it sounds like your wife has one foot in the "singles pool". Let's face it, birds of a feather flock together. She sees her friends having one-night stands, drinking, and forgetting about family life and she thinks it is all fun and games. Believe me, that life can be fun at times but it can also be extremely lonely.
I would suggest the following:
1) Seek counseling NOW. If your wife won't go with you, go by yourself. By having a professional counselor available, you'll be able to come up with potential solutions to your problems. They will have more insight into your problems by actually talking with you than what anyone can provide here.
2) Yes, you have every right to tell her to stop texting another man. You should turn around and ask her how she would feel if you were texting a woman 1000s of times. I like my work mates, but believe me, I don't text them 1000s of times. There is appropriate communication between people of the opposite sex and there's inappropriate. I think clearly she has crossed to the inappropriate side.
3) She may not respect you. You come off as a pretty clean cut guy: you've got the bucks and do the housework, etc, but she probably knows you have no backbone. So she pushes you around because you cave in. If this sounds like you, again seek counseling so you can learn the tools to have a say in your marriage. It may be scary, but you'll have to learn that you have a say in your relationship too. Sometimes it is just a matter of standing your ground and being firm about it.
4) Try to avoid separation. It hurts your children and it is a way of saying "we can't deal with this, so let's part ways". You are setting yourself up for a divorce. Unless there is violence, you should learn to deal and communicate with one another, even if staying in the same house is emotionally painful.
5) As a couple, I recommend you read the book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" and for her, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr Laura Schlessinger. They are fairly short, easy to read books that can certainly help you if you follow their advice.
6) You seem to be a proficient writer -- write her a letter expressing your fears and concerns. Keep it short, but sweet. No litanies, no blame, just lay it out there. Hopefully she'll respond if she has the chance to read it in private.
Finally, I know what you are going through and you are in a perilous situation. With the divorce courts stacked as they are against men and massive child support payments potentially looming, you want to do whatever it takes to save your marriage. Hopefully things will work out and you take some initiative in your relationship other than running when it gets tough.
Eddie
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2013): Hi. Original poster here. I have not texted or called my wife in 24 hours (ignored her calls and texts) and finally talked to her because I had to get the kids from her. Well she dedicate a song to me (don't blink by kenny Chesney), asked if we could please do an overnight date night soon, and said she wants to work things out and renew our marriage vows! She also said she knows all the mistakes we have made to lead up to this (kids in our bed, never getting each other anything for holidays, etc) but can correct them. See it is hard to know what to believe, i think i just need to ignore her and act as if i don't care so she thinks she will lose me. and so far i am actually liking being away and i am having fun.
...............................
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (29 January 2013):
You are a very smart and well written man. You have answered your own question. There is something going on. She doesn't want to admit it. She might lose the best thing that ever happened to her........YOU. You need to focus on you and your needs and the kids. Be a best friend to yourself. Tell her you know that she is having an affair. You need to have a commitment from her. She needs to commit to you, the kids (family) and her job.
I realize we are only getting your side of the story. She has a side too. The truth will only come from each one of you. Make a "date night" and have that honest conversation.
...............................
A
female
reader, Lady in Love  +, writes (29 January 2013):
 really?!"I am a great man, great dad, make a lot of money, cook, clean, etc. Confused...thanks."what kind of great men actually say that about themselves?!OP be realistic, see the problem from her sight of view.you said that she wanted sparkling things up in her marriage life, yet you did nothing about it!have you sent her flowers? taken her out alone? gone with her and her crew together to make her notice the teenager in you again?add to that when women ask you to go away, they really say it to see if you are going to leave them with such ease! and you did!when your wife is texting another guy, its probably not because he is special to her, yet he makes her feel special.consider texting her, sending her flowers from anonymous with your perfume on it ect.in short, act like a teenager, don't let other men frighten you and distance you from your wife!!!don't agree on the separation period, she misses you dearly after 1 day, meaning she is sad, meaning she will be needing a shoulder to cry on!meaning some guy will offer her that kind of care and you will loose her forever. chase your wife, be the hero she is waiting you to be, make her fall in love with you again!
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (29 January 2013):
 I don't know why you are the one moving out when she is having an affair. Putting up with her is not being nice. It's being a doormat. I seriously do not know what purpose does the separation serve, except to send her to the arms of the coworker. Things are not "working out" when you lived together because you are confronting her about her affairs. She felt you were too intrusive. You are partly the reason why things have gone so far but she's nuts. The way that she is exploiting you. That's all I can say about her. You were making ammends as if you were the one making the mistake.
It takes two to create the spark. She's making you wrong for her wanting an affair. She is blaming you for all the problems and you have already gave her the message that she can have the cake and eat it too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (29 January 2013):
I think you are a super guy.......but you know what is going on. As I read your request I can tell you are hanging on to something that isn't there for her. She is texting with another male over thousand times. It is more than work related. She is interested in him. If she is attending work functions and making herself available to be with him. You sound like a great guy. You need to focus on you and your children. You need to tell her either she makes a commitment to you the family and her job or you are moving on. You deserve more........so does your kids. Good luck!
...............................
|
