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male
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anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,Please help me solve a problem with my wife. I have a married female coworker who I have become friends with. We talk on the phone daily as we are not always assigned to the same location. She sends emails and pictures to me and my wife. My wife is completely insane over this and all we do is fight about it. I am fed up with it. She believes my friend wants more than just a friendship. She accuses me of emotional infidelity. I disagree. The reason being I am a phone junkie and repeatedly speak to ALL my friends on a daily basis. This friend just happens to be female. I am always home and never go out with out my wife. Before my wife and I married, I had several female friends that weren't sexual partners. After I married, I severed all ties with these female friends. Now, after taking a new job in a new area, I have met this coworker whom I enjoy conversation and friendship with. Also, my wife and I have spent time with her and her husband. My wife does not like my friend and my friend senses it which makes me feel akward uncomfortable and embarrassed as I have to make excuses for her all the time. My wife cannot give me any other reason for not liking her other than she is not her type. My friend has been extremely kind to my wife and has made an attempt to become friends with her. I believe she is just jealous which is stupid because I love her. I know that this is a female friend and that can be a very delicate situation. It has now turned into a competition in which my wife doesn't realize that there is no competition. Bottom line I love my wife dearly but I am really upset that she has made this such a big issue. I have found a good friend that I really don't want to lose. So what do I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2006): Who is more important, your relationship with your wife, or your friend. Dwell with her according to knowledge!!Is your friend really that important to cause a wedge between the one you made a covenant with before God?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2006): Hi
I am in the exact situation...and believe me, I do feel for you..very much so.
My situation may differ slightly, only because my female frined I have known for close to 30 years now.
Just like you wife, mine is very insecure and very jealous.
When we met I told her I had a long time frined that was a girl, but that was all it was....JUST friends.
Nope it didnt work...my (now) wife "assumed" my frined was saying this and saying that to her...and that i was always taking "my frineds" side...she kept saying and keeps on saying" your not being sensitive to my feelings"...so now when I hear that...to me its a bunch of crap...what about my feelings and my life long friend???
To me, all of her insecurities and jealousy came together and made her hear things she "wanted" my frined to say...I know for a fact, my frined would not say the things my wife implies. I have seen my wife in many other situations and can see it happen inthem also.
We have tried councelling.together and alone...pointless.
She just cant see her problems in this matter.
So now i may have lost my life long frined over this...
It is also my fault as well, as I dont stand up for myself very much...a whimp some would call it. it eats me up inside..and is starting to make my marriage aven worse.
I know I have to stand up for myself and take back my friend. cause if I dont I will resent her for this til the day I die!! And she say to me, she doesn't want me to resent her for this.
So hang in there man...stand your ground and do what is right...your gonna fight either way and like me you dont want to resent your wife...
And for all you ladies out there that say...you can't have a man as a friend..open up your mind a bit, all men arn't PIGS
Steve
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (12 February 2006):
 Put your wife first.
Get a new job.
Would you act the same way with a male "friend", you know, feel the need to talk to him on the phone every day?
Chances are the answer is no.
Your wife should come first, so stop kidding yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2006): I have had the same problem with my husband. We went to see a counselor and spoke to our pastor about the same situation and they both agreed that he needed to sever all ties with his close female friends. If you don't, it will jeopardize your marriage by putting your "friend" first. Your wife is your number one priority and should treat her as such. It basically comes down to you, who is more important in your life? Your friend or your wife? If it is your friend, you have serious issues and should not even be married. Friends come and go, your spouse is (should be) forever.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2006): Just cool it with your friend. Put your wife first - the one you vowed to put first above all others forever, remember?Your wife's behaviour may well be unreasonable. It may well be totally unfair for you to let your friend go. But that doesn't matter - your wife isn't an automaton with perfect reactions, she's a flawed human being responding with gut reactions that may well be totally off the mark.Repeat: THAT DOESN'T MATTER.What matters is that your insistence on maintaining this friendship is making your marriage suffer.You can insist on the fair and decent thing - that your wife accept your friend. If you do that, there is no doubt that you are putting your friend above your wife, and that is WRONG.Or, you can cool it with the friend and have a great marriage again.You should sacrifice for each other's feelings. If people want to be able to do whatever they like all the time without it affecting the feelings of someone else, they should stay single.You need to put your marriage first.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2006): Dude, get a new job... dump the "friend". Who do you think you are fooling? Yourself?
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A
female
reader, mystify +, writes (31 December 2005):
 hi, i think that the only issue here is that your WIFE is clearly upset by this friendship, you should not be worried about losing this female friend you should be worried about losing your wife and you should not be worried about what this woman thinks you should be worried how your wife feels.women have strong intutitions especially where other women are concerned, and to be honest even where you may feel that this is just a friendship your wife may be picking up something from this woman you would never notice!not to mention the fact that you already admit this is a delicate situation. well if my husband felt the need to talk to another woman on the phone every day that he didnt see her then i would be giving some ultimatum! and why draw yourself into another close friendship with a woman after already going to effort of cutting of all ties with previous female friends on your wifes behalf , if this woman is such a powerful influence on you to make you do this after that then i think that your wife is justified.Why not simply concentrate more on having mutual friends with your wife , she may feel left out , does she work? meet new people ? quite simply when it comes to friends there are many to be had, remember you only have one wife look after her
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2005): I can understand your frustration, and that of your wife as well. This is a very tricky situation for both or you. I do sense that you love her and are a good husband and the fact that you are asking for advise about this means your marriage is important to you. Sometimes without knowing it, you can be lead into something that you think is innocent, but is not. I would hate to see you and your wife hurt.
I have some questions for you to think about.
First, I am wondering about your communications with this friend. You say you speak everyday. Do you talk to her when your wife is around? When does she call, at times she knows you are spending with your wife or when she can talk to you alone? Does she call to speak just to your wife at anytime? What do you talk about? Do either of you talk about marital issues? Is she happy in her marriage? Are the emails and pictures sent to a family email or your personal email address? Does she know your wife's email address to send the pictures to her as well? Why only you? You say you are embarrassed because your FRIEND feels bad that your wife does not like her. Do you feel bad that your WIFE is upset? You seem angry with her, why? Why do you seem to take your friend's side instead of your wife's?
Also, when you go out, who makes the arrangements? Is it you and your friend who decide where you go or does your wife have a say in it? Does your female friend's husband have any problems with all the time your spend talking with his wife? Does he know?
Is there anything physical going on, such as touching, hugs, patting, gestures of endearment such a nicknames, little gifts, etc. ? Do you and/or your friend spend time alone wiht no others around? Has she ever asked you to do something without your wife? Now, you make think this female is only a friend, but she could have other ideas? Have you thought about that? Do you ever feel uncomfortable with anything she says or does?
Since moving to the new area, have you sought out MALE friends as well? Do you call them as much?
You wife is jealous which is a powerful emotion. She does see herself in competition. She may very well be. It seems she has told you how she feels about the situation. What have you done to make her feel better about it? Have you cut back on the calls and interaction with your friend to build confidence in your wife. If she sees you do this and sees that your friend understands, then she may come around and actually open her eyes and see that she has nothing to worry about. However, if you continue and increase your interaction in spite of your wife's feelings this only signals to her your friend is more important.
Often, friendship can lead to affairs, even those that do not involve sex. You wife may be afraid of this if you spend too much time talking to and about this friend. Please remember that you do need to respect you wife as you would like her to respect you. I think you need to take some time for just you and your wife. Perhaps a short holiday to a place she likes and NO phone calls to or from anyone except for emergencies.
Good luck to your both - it sounds like your marriage is a good one, keep it that way.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2005): Women will battle in places that you have no idea of. There is only one star in my bed and thats me. 20 minutes sepent with someone else is 20 minutes that could have been spent on me.
Ever heard those before. Why should she have to wake up everyday and think about those things? You don't. How often do you talk to your male friends? What if she had a male friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2005): i do not believe that this is a situation where your wife and yourself require counselling as was suggested in the previous posts. it sounds like a classic case of female jealousy.your wife wants to feel like she is the only woman in your life and the only woman you pay attention to. you just need to reassure her as much as possible that she is the only One for you and this female friend is just that--a friend.i am in a similar situation myslef: my boyfriend moved for a job and there he met a female co-worker with whome he became friends. i was not there and hadn't even met her but i knoew they were hanging out, going to see movies and out together. he made me confident that it was simply a friendship and that he had no romantic interest in her whatsoever, and after i finally met her, i understood.it is odd that your wife, after meeting your married co-worker and her husband..and spending time with them, that she has not seemed to change her opinion even a little about your platonic relationship with her. let your wife know that she is needed, wanted, and loved..that will make her feel like you are not snubbing her to spend time with this other woman. maybe put down the phone and take your wife out for a nice dinner and dancing or something else that you both enjoy doing together.although it is unfair of your wife to demand that you cut off ties with your friend, consider her point of view and try putting yourself in her shoes. if she were talking on the phone with another man, and enjoying spending hours conversating with him, i am sure that you would feel at least a bit threatened. most importantly is to be sensitive about the situation and try to understand how your wife is feeling. love her. i am sure that your wife would feel 100% better about the whole situation if you paid her a compliment in front of her and your friend. this would let your wife see that you have no intentions of getting together with her and that you are still in love with your wife. at the same time, it would be reassuring your wife. if you were truely not interested in this friend, than you would have no problem telling both her and your sife at the same time that your wife's porkchops are delicious, or that she is the best thing to ever happen to you. try it. i guarantee it will make your wife reassured that you love her, and that you want to be withher, and only her.
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (29 December 2005):
 I feel for both you and your wife. Your wife obviously has issues with self esteem and confidence as well as insecurity and jealousy. These need to be addressed in as gentle a way as possible.
Remind and reassure your wife how much you love her (I'm sure you do this but do it again) and demonstrate to her how you feel by buying her a little gift, flowers, romancing her again. You must, however, be firm with her that you have no intention of giving up your friendship because it is perfectly innocent and that you are only interested in her, your wife.
Explain to her how uncomfortable this makes you feel. Also, if you have any male friends (which hopefully you do) illustrate to her the balance; that you have friends of both sexes.
Suggest counselling to her. She really would benefit from exploring why she feels this way and how to learn to feel more secure.
Possessiveness and irrational jealousy can be very unpleasant qualities and you obviously love her very much to want to do something about this and stay with her. Don't make her feel fortunate to be with you, help her to understand all she has to offer you but be firm in suggesting she seeks help and that you will suppport her when she does.
I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, kimberlina +, writes (29 December 2005):
 I really feel that if it is affecting your wife so badly, why not suggest that you both try some counselling.Because she may be feeling insecure. And it will help her and not only that you need to do it for yourself because she might react like this every time you make a new friend.
good luck.
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