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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: HiI proposed to my now-wife a year before we got married. When I asked her, she started to cry, but not because of joy. She said yes, when I repeated the question. Later I found out, that she is very disappointed by the way I asked. We now are married and had a wonderful wedding day. But she is still sad because of the proposal. She told me, that she has the feeling, I only asked her, because she asked me to do it. She thinks, because I knew the answer, the question was not real and I was not trying hard. To be honest, I wasn't nervous at all. I was thinking of a lot of things I could do and I tried to make it a surprise. She was waiting for it quite a long time, but I did need time to think about it. I asked her at a time she really didn't expect it. The time was a surprise, but not the rest as she says.I don't understand my wife. Could you help me? Thanks!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2011): Thanks anonymous writer (27 September 2011!), that is the first answer that seems to help analyze my wife. Women seem to be complicated...
So you seem to have similar problems? What did you do? Or are you still doing? I never talk about it. It is always her coming up with the subject. I'll try that. But is your wife feeling better now? What except talk could help?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2011): Be kind to her, very kind, and very understanding. This is where you can really shine if you love her. Plus, you need to realize where this comes from inside of her."I told her, that I wasn't sure about her. For her, this was a surprise and it was the end of the world. We had a very difficult time, until I told her that I want to marry her."This is why. She feels like you were "forced" into it, and didn't fantastically desire to be with her for all time.She's feeling insecure, and needs help with that.BUT, she is talking to you about it, and give her a big A+ for that, seriously, this is hugely important in marriages.So, talk, talk about yourself, your fears, and why you weren't ready, why it took you time to get ready, and why when you asked her you were ready.You might also tell her that you were not fearful of being rejected when you asked, and you were grateful for that fear not being there when you asked, and knowing where she stood clearly on the issue. Make sure she understands that, that is a gift in and of itself from her to you.She is not being childish. She is being vulnerable.My wife asked me, I'd only known her 4 months or so, I told her that I loved her, wanted to ask her to marry me, and wanted her to think about what that would mean, and about what her answer would be, but that I was going to ask her either way.Her answer was to take me to lunch one day that same week, and ask me to marry her instead of waiting. I said yes, and was soon very happily married to her...but she felt bad about not waiting for me to ask and didn't tell me till we were married for 18 years. No kidding.Why?Because she felt in retrospect that she acted "desperate", and felt that she should have waited in retrospect. Like it would have somehow seemed more "value" was placed on her by society/friends if I had asked her, instead of the other way around, and people knew this had happened because we'd both talked about it. I did think that was odd, but after we talked, I realized that she had always felt like she was "never quite enough" for me. Mind you, I never felt that way, she felt that way, and when this story of our meeting, and proposal, and marriage would come out, she would feel like it made her look desperate in others eyes.So, your wife has fears, you have fears, and you need to talk, but at least she is talking.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (26 September 2011):
 Since you guys are married, this petty argument is irrelevant. I'm sure she'll whine about it some more. Just leave her be, when she turns back the clock and continues to bitch about something you can't fix. Eventually, she'll stop and hopefully focus on the present and future.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (25 September 2011):
 I think your wife might be feeling a bit of shock about being married.
You can not undo the past. She said yes and married you!
All you can do is say you are sorry that you did not meet her expectations, but it is unfair of her to bring it to your attention now. Look her in the eye and give her a big kiss and tell her this very simple truth.
"Honey, I love you. I chose you as my life's companion. And now that I am your husband, please accept this fact. I am human. I am going to make mistakes. I will dissapoint you. Hopefully, you will forgive me for the things that really matter."
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (25 September 2011):
 sorry but she is being a bit of a brat about this. she cornered you into asking and now she is unhappy that you did not spontaneously decide to ask her yourself. does she make a habit of telling you how to feel and what to think and do? i wouldn't worry about this if i were you, it will blow over when she finds something else to pull you up for.
if you want to get in her good books maybe you could surprise her with a nice holiday somewhere and renew your vows (although maybe she has thought about this already and this complaint about your proposal is her way of persuading you to 'surprise' her with a renewal ceremony.
i suggest you treat her well and your kids if you have any. be respectful to her, be a good provider and be as loving as you possibly can, always remain faithful and be trustworthy in every aspect. THAT is the ingredients for a good marriage. whining about your lack of razzmatazz in the proposal just sounds incredibly petty
x
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A
female
reader, KittenPaws +, writes (25 September 2011):
For what it's worth- I think that she's being a bit precious about this.She has no 'right' to demand that someone surprises her is a certain way. You're not a puppet and she can't create a screenplay for the future husband and she time place and manner of your proposal. -No more than she could do for the first time that you told her that you love her.The issue of her apparently asking you not to propose for a few days is an odd one. Not only because it's an odd thing to say- did she care more about wanting to know you were ready to make that commitment to her- or about the screenplay of 'the proposal' and how good it would sound when she told her friends about it? -But also because it's unusual enough that it really doesn't sound like the sort of thing you'd 'forget' her saying. My guess would be that she said it so cryptically that you didn't even register what she was implying.If she had told you all this at the time it would have been far easier to deal with this and move on. But now- after she's accepted and married you... she's evidently only bottled this up rather than dealing with it.Nonetheless though, I'm thinking ‘better late than never’. You don't want to tiptoe around this for the next 50 years with her. I think you need to have it out with her. Be straight with her that you genuinely had no idea that it was bad timing, and that you gave it a lot of thought to surprise her, as well as being eager to propose to her as soon as you felt that you were ready.Then turn this on her. Tell her how hurt you are that she is so vocally disappointed in the time that you told her that you wanted to commit the rest of your life to her. -And that you're concerned that if she can be disappointed in that moment, you need reassurance as to how much this marriage means to her at all.Ask her to tell how she feels and if this is something that she can work past; because if she can't deal with this, then the issue is only going to drive you apart. Subtly find out if there's any way that you can make this up to her with romantic gestures... heck, even if you need to propose to her retrospectively on the beach at sunset, it might not be too late to still give her the beautiful memory that she'd been dreaming of.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): If it helps, I once saw a question on here with a very overly elaborate proposal and half the females on this website (including me) shot it down. The thing is, no one wants to be proposed to in a plain an ordinary way, but over done proposals are just ridiculous. Most people don't want public proposals, they want to be alone so they can control how they tell people, or even say no without embarassing their boyfriend. They also don't want it to be sitting on the couch, beer in hand proposal. They kind of want it to take them by surprise, but this does not mean ask them when you haven't even discussed marriage. Probably the best proposal I've heard so far was when the guy took the girl back to the place they first met and proposed.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): Thanks for your answers!
She was longing for the question over a year. I was not ready for it. Half a year ago, I told her, that I wasn't sure about her. For her, this was a surprise and it was the end of the world. We had a very difficult time, until I told her that I want to marry her. Of course she was happy about that, but sad that she didn't get a proposal but instead I gave her the answer. As I had a very stressful time at work, I planed to ask her three months later. We spend the weekend together with my parents. On the last evening, I took her on a walk and was looking for a nice place to ask her. She looked at me and started to cry, as there was no answer, I asked again.
Later she told me, that the whole walk she was thinking about the work she had to do at home, because at that time, she had a very stressful time. She didn't at all expect the question, but still it was the wrong time. She also told me that just a few hours before, she told me not to ask in the next few days. I can't remember she did. I didn't hear that. And she says, she saw no efforts. And she wished to celebrate it, but a few hours later, she had to go home. She told me, that she made a few hints, how she would like to be asked. I know she talked a lot about it, until I told her to stopp it, as there was no space for me to make it a surprise. I always thought that was the way she would love it. But it seems that it was the wrong place, the wrong time and the wrong way.
So far, we now are happy married for a few month, but I don't understand, why there are still times when she comes up with that issue. I asked her and I tried to make it a surprise as she wished.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): The most important thing is whether you are happily married now. My proposal was a disappointment - a bit 'staged' by my husband and was not spontaneous but it only bugged me when he continued the 'not bothered' theme later on. I know someone who proposed in the most romantic way to their wife but he ended up having an affair ten years and two children later. So you could argue the proposal meant nothing to him. Romance and love and creativity does not start and stop at the marriage proposal. Learn the importance of these things and build them into every day life. Often when someone starts thinking about one specific event in the past and hanging every thing on it... there is usually other things in the present time that are really the issue.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (25 September 2011):
 Hey, I wasn't too happy with my proposal either. I'm sure much like your wife, I thought my man would come up with a creative and meaningful way to ask for my hand in marriage. When it didn't happened, I too was disappointed, especially since he knew I wanted something special. Most men don't place much importance on the delivery and the words when proposing, but to women it means a lot more.
I don't know what you did specifically, but just know, the proposal didn't match up to what she envisioned in her head. Have you asked her how she wanted you to propose? If you know, re-do your proposal on your upcoming anniversary with a gift or a random day. It will probably make her feel better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2011): Frankly, if your wife asked and nudged you to propose and then was disappointed by the absence of her own surprise when it occurred, it's her fault for nagging you, not your fault for asking inappropriately (which judging from the earnestness of your post, I doubt happened...)
I've witnessed countless friends over-exercising their imaginations about getting married and all the details leading up to it to such a degree that reality can NEVER fullfill their fantasies. This is pretty normal for anyone, man or woman to be disappointed with reality when they overbuilt it in their minds, but blaming some else for their disappointment, that sounds childish to me.
Your wife is probably telling the truth...she IS disappointed about your proposal. But I think that says far more about her illusions about marriage than the way you actually proposed. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think when women try to make men responsible for their emotional issues...it's not only irresponsible, but it's incredibly infantilizing.
Congratulations on your anniversary, hope you guys grow together to get over the small stuff like this...I'm sure you'll face bigger disappointments and trials as a couple. Hopefully one of the joys of being married is knowing you can count on someone to care and take care of you...frankly, I hope she worries less about her disappointment and more about you in the future.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (25 September 2011):
How long have you two been married? It's a bit too late to complain about it now.
How did the proposal go? Is she mad because you didn't go all out like they do in the movies? I'm guessing you didn't exceed her high expectations. Well you can't read her mind!!
She has what feeling? The question was obviously real because you two are married!!
IMO, it's ridiculous for her to be upset over it to this day. Unless you just tossed her a cheap gumball machine ring and said, "Hey you going to marry me or what?" then it doesn't matter how you proposed. What's important is about a proposal is the fact that you two are on the track to marriage!! And of course the ring!
I would stop talking about your proposal..it's something you can't change. Maybe make it up to her a 5-10 years when you renew your vows.
You can't make everyone happy.
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