A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my wife for more than 20 years and I am coming to a realisation that I have been duped. Sexually things are awful - at the beginning she made many promises that were never fulfulled, and in fact kept me waiting to have sex while she wanted me to have an aids test, and go on the pill- two months. She doesn't like giving or receiving oral sex.But the worst is that I realised recently that she systematically has been undermining my confidence, so I accepted all of those situations, due to constant criticism: I started the relationship with pretty poor self esteem for various reasons.She is constantly sick, spends loads of money we don't have, will not take even the most minor criticism, is lazy, works little, complicates everything, has issues with anxiety and I think OCD, but she won't admit it. I do most of the stuff around the house and did a lot of the parenting. I have very little time and almost no friends, or independent social life.Recently I started to somehow recover my self esteem - I started going to therapy when depression started to hit me all the time, and now I realise that I am with someone who is doing me harm and has taken the joy out of my life for too long. We have a 10 yr old daughter and I think I would leave if it were not for her: I would be very worried about leaving her in the care of my wife.Any suggestions? shared experiences? diagnosis?Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): You may not have a lot of money to spend, but you would do well to seek help from a professional counselor (I'm not one, but I am an experienced educator).Your brief statement was certainly a cry for help, but obviously, it only contains a tiny fraction of the facts of your situation, and it would be irresponsible to draw conclusions and offer advice from it.It's not about blame - it's about doing what's best for you and your daughter, and yes, your wife. It may even be possible for both of you to modify your behavior and live happily, but I'm not the one to say.I applaud that you have admitted to being part of the problem, and that you want to change things for the better. Good luck!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 January 2012):
 If you are really this unhappy in the relationship well then there really is no point in staying around. Yes off course your daughter is a big concern but if you do believe that your current wife is not able to bring her up then get yourself a lawyer and fight for custody of your child. If you are unhappy then it is time to leave and pull your life back together, it is never to late. Happiness is very important. It is time to start talking to your wife and telling her how you are feeling. She may also be suffering from depression or other illnesses so talk to her about this and see how she is feeling. Communication is a huge thing in any relationship and nothing is going to change until you start talking. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): 20 years and you finally figure you have been duped? Sorry but that statement alone says its not her; its you and your slow cognizance/knowledge/awareness.She's being practical, adult, fair, SAFE, health aware to put her health FIRST before your sexual pleasure in waiting 2 months for you BOTH to get tested. This is something that is indeed promoted in our beautiful Country of Canada that has everything to do with an individuals right to safety and well being. Healthy is VERY important and SHOULD be a top priority so kudos to Wife. That is NOT misleading in anyway. YOu are no victim for being accountable and responsible for your sexual health.She does not like giving or receiving oral sex.- That is her individual choice. Just because you want it; you cannot force another to like it. Its just how it works with anything. Each person is entitled to their opinions and beliefs about things, including oral sex.Totally sucks though but there are other avenues to elict pleasure from your partner and yourself so make sure you explore those. You already came to the relationship with full knowledge you have Self Esteem issues. So it is YOUR responsibility to seek professional counselling/help to address that matter.Most people who are in an emotional abusive relationship- begin dating and even marry with subconciously unaware they may have picked a partner to perpetuate victim status, martyr, or recreate a painful, abusive, neglectful childhood home. YOu may have discovered this in therapy or about to soon as you recover yourself.People who suffer depression may not be of a healthy, strong, wise mindset and therefore will not make a healthy, strong, wise decision/choice about their parnter. Also when it comes to self esteem issues, you may have felt Wife was better suited and better able to put up with your low self esteem, insecurities, and depression because would a healthier woman that has no self esteem, insecurities, and suffers depression chose you? Its a good question to explore in Therapy.I admire you for taking the initiative to seek counselling. As you get healthier and stronger and wiser, you will begin to see the situation clearer.Also you should become aware that if one partner struggles and suffers with depression; usually the other partner does as well. And if it took you 20 years to seek counselling- maybe wife hasn't reached the level of recovery as you have. So I can understand your frustration and hurt and disappointment but she is in need of help as well. All you can do is offer couples counselling.Staying for your daughter- well if you want to take the time and money to pay for a psychological parenting evaluation to be done to prove Wifes mental fitness and to bring to light as to whom would be the better parent Daughter would live with as a Residential parent as today, courts want more and more that parents have equal rights to access/parenting; with one parent being Residential Parent, you could go that route.So there are options and if you indeed have your daughters best interest at heart; leaving an emotionally abusive relationship when your Wife does not want to get better or seek treatment herself, then yes, its a good option to explore.http://www.edmontonpsychologists.org/services/custody.htmlContinue your counsellling as you still have anger issues to sort out. Also please put daughter in counselling as she resided with two emotionally abusive parents that may have neglected her needs and she will need some coping skills.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (3 January 2012):
 Yes, I have a suggestion; Get away from your wife, divorce her and re-start a normal and reasonable life... by yourself, at first, ... and with a new partner, later, should you find one. THIS TIME, don't wait to learn if your prospective new partner is going to withhold sex from you.... THAT (s*x) is an important part of adult life and relationship for you... so don't miss it this time!!!!As for your last paragraph - "We have a 10 yr old daughter and I think I would leave if it were not for her: I would be very worried about leaving her in the care of my wife."... THAT looks like the beginning of your cop-out for why you WON'T do what's right and get away from your marriage.... First off.... YOU can get custody of your daughter, if necessary.... Secondly: Which do you think is preferable for your daughter? To continue to live with a pair of mis-matched parents (one of whom is miserable)?... or with mis-matched parents - one of whom has recognized the futility of trying to be a "family unit", and has made the changes necessary for himself to be an actual adult man for the remainder of his life...Good luck....
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