A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I feel my wife of 20 years has one foot out the door. Over the last year or so she has developed a lot of her own friendships, started going out a lot, and when we go out with others, she has become quite the party girl- bouncing from one person to another, like I am not even there. When we go out together, which has be one increasingly less frequent, she seems a little bored, wants to come home early. If we are out with others, or she goes out alone, she will be the LAST person to leave the party/bar. So my question to you all is what do I do, if my desire is to stay together?Pretend nothing's happening, let he spread her wings, hope she doesnt decide to leave?Become the fawning, if not smothering, school boy suitor who buys her nice things, runs her feet, and consents to being treated unfairly in hopes of capturing her heart?Become aloof myself. Stay out. Ignore her too, like she does me, at parties and the like. Chat it up w other women in front of her. Basically show her that she too is vulnerable to having the rug swept out from under her. Get mad. Set limitations. Draw the line re what I am willing to tolerate. Be prepared to follow thru?Have a sit down heart felt discussion about my feelings and fears (did this Already. It was somewhat pathetic. Worked for a wek or so. Now back to business as usual). Sit back and wait and see. Perhaps it's just no longer meant to be? Sad that would be. 20 years, 4 kids, and much much deep love overthr years. WE used to be the couple that people aspired to be. There will be many shocked and depressed people if we are to split. Please help. I think I have dabbled in each one of these approaches, dipped my toes in the water, but other than a temporary change for a week or so, she just inches steadily away....
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (17 April 2012):
"Over the last year or so she has developed a lot of her own friendships, started going out a lot, and when we go out with others, she has become quite the party girl- bouncing from one person to another, like I am not even there. When we go out together, which has be one increasingly less frequent, she seems a little bored, wants to come home early. If we are out with others, or she goes out alone, she will be the LAST person to leave the party/bar. "
Nothing you have described sounds like "one foot out the door" of the marriage, to me...am I missing something?
what is wrong with her developing her own friendships? in healthy marriages, both people SHOULD have their own friends and cultivate their own individual identities.
What is wrong with her bouncing from person to person at a party and ignoring you at the party? You see your spouse every day. Parties are for socializing with the other people.
being "a little bored" when you and her go out together alone, does not seem like a big problem to me. her relationship with you is different from her relationships with her friends and there's nothing wrong with that. With new friends she gets excitement and new mental stimulation. With you she gets stable emotional attachment and security.
If you're both out with others or she is out with her friends and she just can't get enough of them - again so what, big deal. She still comes home to you at the end of the day, right?
You did not say that she has been flirting with other men or doing anything inappropriate with other men (just talking with other men is not wrong). So I assume that she's not trying to seduce other men, and that her newfound social activity is equally spent between female friends and male friends.
Maybe you should stop viewing her new friends and her new broader horizons as competition. If you want to be the center of her universe and for her to have no other interests besides you or that which involves you, this is not a very healthy way to view your marriage. If something brings joy and happiness to a loved one's life, you should be happy for them.
I think you need to lighten up and realize that your wife is becoming a more emotionally healthy person by having her own friends where before she did not, and cultivating social connections and discovering the natural joy that comes from having varied social interaction. People are a social species, we were not meant to be isolated from one another or to be denied social interaction.
Unhealthy couples are those whose only or primary social relationships are each other. Their world is a small and distorted one.
It sounds to me like this is actually a good thing for your wife. And thus it should be a good thing for your marriage as well, if you will allow it to be.
maybe you initially got drawn to your wife because you're an introvert (?) and maybe she used to be as well. And now she has become more extroverted so you don't feel such a close connection to her? maybe she used to be depressed (which causes people to want to isolate themselves) and is now coming out of a depression hence her new interest in connecting with other people.
if her personality has changed a lot over a short time, though, then I would actually be concerned if there is a medical cause. Whether or not her new personality is good or bad, remains to be seen. I mean, perhaps the way she was previously was actually not her real self and now it is?
either way, I would say, try to go with the flow and keep up. This could be a good change for her and for you. She's not doing anything destructive, she's simply enjoying a natural part of being human which is making new friends and enjoying social interaction. it's normal and healthy for couples to have their own friends and interests/hobbies outside of each other. If she's not had this before in this marriage and now she does, this is a good change. In good marriages there should be room to allow each person to grow, and for people to grow together.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2012): My opinion on each of the options you listed:
"Pretend nothing's happening, let he spread her wings, hope she doesnt decide to leave?"
I think you should definitely let her spread her wings and hope she doesn't leave. I mean, in the end you want your spouse to stay with you voluntarily don't you? So you always have to give the other person the option to leave you, only then can you know that they are choosing to stay with you. Spouses who are "coerced" into staying in their marriages will always have one foot out the door because no one likes to be coerced into anything.
"Become the fawning, if not smothering, school boy suitor who buys her nice things, runs her feet, and consents to being treated unfairly in hopes of capturing her heart?"
No don't do this. You will hate yourself. If by chance this should work (and I dont' think it even will), a relationship is not right or worth keeping if you have to sacrifice your dignity. Besides, seeing as how she's not that interested in you now, I doubt that smothering her will make her more interested, it will probably make her outright run screaming from you.
"Become aloof myself. Stay out. Ignore her too, like she does me, at parties and the like. Chat it up w other women in front of her. Basically show her that she too is vulnerable to having the rug swept out from under her."
I agree with some of the behaviors but not your motivation for it and that makes a huge difference. I agree that you should "ignore" her in the sense of not clinging to her. But don't turn this into a game whereby you're doing it not for yourself (as your way of dealing on your own) but in an attempt to control or manipulate her. Someone who ignores you because they sincerely just aren't interested in you at all, is behaving naturally and authentically and nothing wrong with that. Someone who ignores you because they think this will make you react or behave in certain ways which they're trying to get you to do, is playing head games with you.
When you go down the road of playing head games, you will end up hurting yourself. Relationships are built on trust and respect, not on manipulation and playing games. You'll be feeling really tense and upset if your new aloof behavior is going unnoticed or failing to elicit the responses you want from her. Let's say she does notice your new aloofness. Who's to say this will make her suddenly want you back? I mean, it might, but it's not a sure thing. she could just as well think oh good now is the perfect time to ask for a divorce since he's chatting up that woman. You might be giving her the "out" she may be seeking. at the very least, I doubt she's playing games with you right now.
Your wife's aloofness is an authentic expression of her lack of interest in you, or a true symptom of a relationship that's dead or which she has for whatever reason lost her emotional investment in. Your aloofness, however, would be playing games and thereby introducing a new wedge into the relationship on top of the one that already exists.
"Get mad. Set limitations. Draw the line re what I am willing to tolerate. Be prepared to follow thru?"
Yes you should draw the line, and be prepared to follow through, but cut out the "getting mad" part. Why do people equate setting limits and boundaries, with getting mad? show self restraint and control. Still treat the other person with respect even though you're setting limits. Do this for yourself, not to punish the other person.
"Have a sit down heart felt discussion about my feelings and fears (did this Already. It was somewhat pathetic. Worked for a wek or so. Now back to business as usual)."
Yes this was the right thing to do. I don't know why you feel it was "pathetic" - that suggests that you weren't approaching it properly or in a constructive way. I would suggest you keep doing this, but maybe chance HOW you are doing it. Communication is good, if it's being done in a constructive way. Bad communication is as bad as none.
Also, it's naive to expect that ONE 'heart to heart talk' will suddenly turn a relationship around. If only life were that easy. More likely, in healthy relationships the communication isn't limited to a one-time blurting out of long-suppressed thoughts and feelings, but an ongoing process. Having zero communication for years, then one long and exhausting "heart to heart" , then nothing again, is NOT effective communication. it's better than continuing to keep silent, but it's not enough to expect a turnaround in a relationship.
"Sit back and wait and see. Perhaps it's just no longer meant to be? Sad that would be. 20 years, 4 kids, and much much deep love overthr years. "
Yes it could be that it's just no longer meant to be. People do change, even those who have been married a long time. However, are you sure you have had "much deep love" over the years? I somehow feel that if you did, you wouldn't be facing this situation right now...what with the lack of communication on one side and lack of interest on the other.
"WE used to be the couple that people aspired to be."
What does this mean? What kind of couple is the kind that people 'aspire' to? I'm asking because it sounds like you are focused on the outward appearance of your marriage, and maybe have not paid attention or valued the actual relationship which could have been deteriorating for years already.
"There will be many shocked and depressed people if we are to split."
I highly doubt it. The truth is, people aren't really paying that much attention to your marriage, they are too busy living their own lives and dealing with their own problems. At the end of the day, very few people actually care if you divorce your wife or not. I'm sure your kids will care because they will be directly affected. And your friends who care about you will care if you're feeling upset. But that's a different thing from caring whether you stay married or divorce. I also really doubt anyone outside your marriage is going to be "depressed" just because you and your wife split up. Usually most people you know, upon learning you're divorcing, will go "oh, they got divorced, wow, I never knew they were having such bad problems but then again I dont' live with them or sleep with them, and it's private between them so, hey. I guess they've been having problems. Now is it time to pick my kids up from school yet or should I do the laundry first?" ....I'm just saying...don't think that the whole world will fall apart if you divorce. Put this into perspective. It can be liberating.
"Please help. I think I have dabbled in each one of these approaches, dipped my toes in the water, but other than a temporary change for a week or so, she just inches steadily away...."
keep talking to her, but without complaining, or criticizing, but simply ask her to tell you what she wants and what she feels. She may not be honest with you if, based on past experiences, being honest made you upset. nevertheless, make a change in yourself that you will allow her to express whatever she has to say without you getting mad. Only then can you know what she is really thinking and feeling about you. Suggest couples counseling, but if she doesn't want to, then don't insist. You can still go for counseling on your own and benefit from that if only to decide what you should do for yourself.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 April 2012):
 I have a different option...
sit down and TALK to her about what's going on.
ASK her if she is unhappy.
Ask her if there is anything you can do to fix what's wrong...
Consider couples counseling...
doing anything without discussing it with her first is GAME playing... do not play games.
IF you want to try to save what you feel slipping away... summon up your courage (because we know that you are afraid to hear "yes I"m leaving and you can't stop me") to face the truth and TALK to your WIFE.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): She finds it more fun to go with others, so on most occasions invites friends. If I plan it solely as a night out for us, those are the nights where she wants to come home much earlier than she would otherwise...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 April 2012):
 I would try the sit down (again). Why don't you ever go out with her, as a couple?
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